Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Kill The Orphaned Baby Whale, Do It Now

2028 : Once Beloved 'Baby Whale' Now Despised By Sydney Beach Dwellers As Monster Nuisance

More Soul Crushing Images Of A Starving Baby Whale Here

Time is running out for the orphaned baby whale that adopted a yacht as its replacement mother, and has now been mercilessly named 'Colin' by Sydney tabloid media.

If 'Colin' the infant humpback whale doesn't find a new whale pod to look after him soon, and soon will soon mean just a matter of hours, Sydney will give the world the media spectacle of a impossibly cute baby whale starving to death in the world's most beautiful harbour. While some of the best minds in the country are devoted to building from scratch a comically large fake whale tit.

'Colin' could soon be beaching himself at Bondi, not the worse place in the world to die, but not good news for the tourist economy. "Oh God, Bondi? Isn't that where they let them little baby whale starve to death?"

There's little time left. It must be done, and done soon. Forget the big fake whale tit, finish Colin off now. Don't let that bitch goddess Nature send some sharks to tear the poor little fucker to bits, still alive, whistling and clicking hopelessly for help.

It's time to Man Up. The baby whale must be killed.


Before it suffers anymore.

Recent 'Colin' news here and some 'Sharks Want To Eat Colin' news here and the beginnings of an International Save Colin From A Natural Death Coalition rumbles here.

UPDATE : Can the Australian Defence Force save the dying baby whale? The basic idea is to float the baby whale on a huge inflatable bladder out to open sea in the vague hope that a passing pod of whales will adopt him, and more importantly that he will find a feed. Absurd.

Colin hasn't had a decent feed, it appears, since Friday, or earlier. Letting this thing starve to death when he could be put out of his misery is cruel. Even a jackal wouldn't let an animal die in front of it for four or five days. Why aren't dedicated animal rights lovers campaigning to end this?

Kill Colin. Kill him now.

BTW. The big fake whale tit appears to be a non-starter. Nobody seems to know exactly how to mix up a blend of infant humpack whale formula.

UPDATE : Good Christ, Piers Akerman agrees with me. I've changed my mind. Save Colin! Save Colin!

UPDATE : By using the new WayForward internet archive, we have managed to pull a story relating to 'Humpy' that is circulating online, and through iBrain, in August, 2028 :
The 20th anniversary of the arrival in Sydney Harbour of Humpy, the 'miracle baby whale', fell last weekend, but there were few celebrations.

Humpy's days as an iconic Sydney tourist attraction are long gone. His twice yearly visits, when he prowls the harbour for months at a time, disrupting ferries and shipping, and regularly beaching himself at Bondi, Manly and Cronulla if the feeding teams don't show up.

"We should go back to calling him 'Colin' again," said one resident of North Bondi, "because that's what he's become. The old mate who keeps hanging around and doesn't know when to go home."

Residents along Sydney's rapidly shrinking beach fronts hope each year it will not be their locale where the massive whale decides to make his temporary home. Humpy's whale songs, once so beloved by coastal dwellers, are now deemed to be such a late night interruption that some claim property prices have fallen noticeably, all thanks to Humpy.

"I hated whale songs when I was married to a Silence Therapist," said Manly resident, "I loathe that noise now like burning feet. We had him off the beach, and on the beach, for three years in a row. It was like, 'Oh great, he's back. Again. When's he going to fuck off somewhere else with all that stupid beeping and whistling and clacking all night long."

"It's like having a noisy neighbour who won't turn the music down," said Bondi resident Juno Flowglass. "Well, how in fuck do you tell a fully grown whale swimming ten metres off your balcony to turn the music down at 4am?"

Humpy was an abandoned baby whale, a few months old, who swam into Sydney Harbour back in 2008, and infamously adopted a yacht as its replacement mother.

Humpy was starving to death, and was saved from the brutal hatred of The Nature by human intervention.

The baby whale was nursed back from utter nothingness, around the clock, by a teams of volunteers, who chugged formula into him. The baby whale vigils, the compact car sized feeding nipple, the strange week when human wet nurses floated in Sydney Harbour offering full breasts to the humpback (who was then known as 'Colin') quickly, became big international news, and 'Colin's' fame reached every corner of Planet One World, One Dream.

The George Miller movie, 'We Must Kill That Baby Whale', starring Russell Crowe as the spear fisherman who wants to kill the starving whale, for what he claims are humanitarian reasons (while secretly harbouring an insatiable lust for fresh baby whale meat) and Nicole Kidman as the scientist who invents and builds, in a tense 24 hours, the world's largest fake whale tit, went on to gross more than $1 billion, winning seven Oscars in 2010.

That year, Colin's fame was at its peak, and the humpback whale was granted official status by environment minister Peter Garrett as "a National Icon of International Recognition For Purposes Of Heritage And The Protection Of Ocean Dwellers Both Large And Small, Forever."

The Australian Tourism Industry lobbied, successfully, for 'Colin's' name to be changed, however, and a public vote offered up 'Humpy' as the most popular new name. The tourism industry caused a brief flap in the media after an official stated, "You can't market anything called 'Colin.' That's mission impossible."

But after 18 non-stop months of around the clock caring and feeding of 'Humpy', whale experts declared the rapidly growing whale was healthy, and more than fit enough to go and find his own food.

"Humpy's just being a lazy little shit," said a Friends Of Humpy member in early 2010. "He's not starving. We clean out the fucking fish markets for him three times a week. He's a whale. Hasn't he got somewhere else to be? Secretly, most of us are wishing he'd just piss off. We've got other stuff to save."

Today, Humpy remains an officially listed National Icon, but his popularity plummets with every return visit.

"We should have killed it when it was a still just a little bastard," said a Cronulla resident.

"Humpy beaches himself because he thinks it's fun. I'm totally convinced this is what he's up to. He's laughing at us, running around trying to dig him out, pouring water over him for two days, stuffing all that fish and squid in his mouth, and he just lays there. He doesn't even try to get back in the water. He's loving the attention."

Back in 2008, crowds gathered on Sydney beaches to hold up signs demanding someone 'Save Colin! Now', but each time he returns to the place where his life was once saved, the now openly despised whale would be more likely to see signs shouting 'Go Away, Humpy, And Don't Come Back!'