Friday, August 22, 2008

They Killed Colin

Orphaned Starving Baby Whale Media Freak Show Finally Ends

The abandoned, starving baby whale that won the hearts of many mildly interested Sydneysiders as it starved to death in Sydney Harbour has finally been killed.

But not before the NSW premier used the festive occasion to make a complete spectacle of himself :
NSW Iemma today agreed the outlook for the 4.5m humpback was "bleak".

"Our hearts are breaking with what's happening with baby Colin...."
It's a baby whale. Has the NSW premier spent a Friday night in a Sydney casualty unit lately? Human hearts breaking, everywhere.
"It's looking bleak, but every effort is being made."
It's a baby whale.
He said zoo and veterinary scientists were working to save Colin, while federal Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon had offered to mobilise defence force assets if required.
The sharks are already taking test bites out of Colin.
"The key here is, he's weakening, he's losing (the) strength to get him fed and (to) a pod that will care for him," Mr Iemma said.
For fuck's sake, Iemma, Man Up. You're the fucking premier of the state. And Colin is doomed.
"The chances are not good."
If the NSW premier uses the merciful killing of Colin to weep inconsolably in public, he must be replaced immediately.

Colin, the baby whale, has been given a far more merciful and humane death than the lingering, humiliating deaths hundreds of elderly Australians will be forced to endure this year. Some will starve to death for days longer than Colin did. Real people, not baby whales.

It was good to see that Channel 7 in particular had its news priorities right.

The countdown to Colin's dope-laden death led the evening news tonight. And rightly so.

The achingly pathetic plight of poor Colin was followed many minutes later by some fuss about a monstrous plane crash in somewhere called Spain that only saw about 150 people burned to death in a fire tornado of aviation fuel.

The sharks are still nibbling away at Colin. We're told this during a Colin update, halfway through the evening news. Some children in a nearby apartment block can be heard crying.

Counselling for children distressed by Colin's passing may need to be sought, and counselling too, perhaps, for the slightly older children who are still trying to understand how a slowly dying animal, and the distressed locals who want it to suffer more while scientists rush to perfect a comically large fake whale tit to feed him, can be deemed more newsworthy than one of the worst plane crashes of the year.

"Mummy, why did those nasty meany mean National Parks & Wildlife people kill baby Colin?"
"Well, sometimes animals, even little baby whales, get sick, and sometimes we can't look after
those animals, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes sick animals die, darling. And sometimes when animals are very sick, sick like Colin the baby whale was, we have to help them to go to sleep so they don't suffer in pain any more. Do you understand?"
"Yes. Like Blacky. My fat dog. He got sick, didn't he? He had to go to sleep because he was sick..."
" Blacky..."
"Colin looked sick. And he was hungry too. Blacky ate that whole bowl of food real fast, remember that mummy? Just before Blacky got sick that day when I was at school and you had him put to sleep? Remember that, mummy? Two days before we moved to this new house?"
"Will Colin's ghost haunt Sydney Harbour?"
"I don't....We can get a new dog, you know. A small one this time."
"Yeah. I'm gonna call it Colin!"
"We can think of something better, later."