Interview With A Zombie
By Darryl Mason
Media reports continue to be suppressed about an outbreak of zombie attacks in Sydney, which social networking sites are reporting occurred under the cover of the Red Dust Storm, earlier this morning.
Twitter reports at least 12 confirmed attacks, most are said to have occurred near the north and south pylons of the Harbour Bridge, where hundreds gathered in the deep sepia-toned dawn to photograph the Bridge shrouded in ochre dust.
The Orstrahyun spoke to Zed Immortal from the Post-Life Institute For ReHuman Affairs (PLIRA) and president of the Association of Concerned Undead Citizens (ACUC).
Q : Are your lobbying groups responsible for the media blackout, and the silence from police, who refuse to confirm or deny at least 12 attacks by zombies earlier today at....
A: Let me just stop you there. Firstly, we have no control over the media, or the police. The idea is laughable, and...
Q: But you cannot deny that lobbyists working directly for you are...
A: Let me finish, please. I'll repeat, we have no control over the police or media reporting of these alleged attacks. And right now they are only alleged attacks. This Twitter thing is notorious for false reports of celebrity deaths and events that simply did not occur, and Twitter is the only place where these attacks have been reported. Now, I am not going to deny there was some violence this morning near the Harbour Bridge, but I've been told the violence was limited to a brief physical exchange between one of our association's members, out for a morning lurch, and a photographer, who did not ask permission before taking his photo, and ...
Q: I'm sorry...the smell is just, good Christ, it's so terrible....
A: Open a damned window then.
---------------------------------Q: So you're saying reports of brain-feeding by, as you say, members of your community this morning are false? Are in fact just Twitter gossip? A hoax?
"We are a peaceful people who, because of the derision of the general public fueled by the hysterical media and anti-undead politics, keep mostly to ourselves."
A: Right now, that is exactly what I'm saying. Now, I'm not saying that nothing violent did not occur, but I am saying that if it did, it only involved one or perhaps 50 members of our large Sydney community, and such incidents of violence, which I fully condemn, should not reflect on all members of our community, both locally and nationally. We are a peaceful people who, because of the derision of the general public fueled by the hysterical media and anti-undead politics, keep mostly to ourselves.
Q: Zombie attacks in Sydney have been on the rise in recent months, and there is ample evidence that...
A: I have to stop you again,, I'm sorry. But I and many of my fellow post-lifers find that word terribly offensive, and outdated. We prefer the term post-lifers, rehumans or, if you insist on using the jargon most popular with youth, and the movie and video game saturated public, the undead. .
Q: Excuse me, I didn't mean to offend you.
A: That's quite all right. But it shows how much work our associations and action groups have to do to change the way the public views people like me who are no longer living, but are not yet dead. "Zombie" is a word that should have stayed in the 1970s, along with all those awful, awful George Romero and Italian horror movies denigrating our kind.
Q: It's true, isn't it, that lobbyists from your institute are responsible for the banning of video games where post-lifers are massacred and brutalised?
A: No, it's not true. But I wasn't displeased by the decision of the federal government agency responsible. Now, we really need to wrap this up, I have religious duties to perform this afternoon and...
Q: Could you explain, briefly, some of the tenets of the post-life religion for my readers? The red dust storm that covered Sydney this morning was seen by some as apocalyptic, and related to the End Of Days Christian beliefs, and some are already blaming what they call "the ungodly existence" of post-lifers as being somehow responsible for it.
A: What utter nonsense. We don't control the weather. Today is the most sacred day of our religious year. We will gather around the graves of recently departed loved ones and wish them a speedy return. We believe in the Third Coming of our Messiah. We believe we are currently unliving through the Start of Days, and soon, very soon, our Messiah will descend from the living.
Q: You don't believe your messiah will come from the ranks of the already dead?
A: No, he will be born in a post-life state, he will be rejected by his family and community and will come to unlive amongst us, where he will be treated with respect and honour. The kind of respect and honour we all believe the still living deny us, all these years after the outbreak began.
"We will be pushing for the Australian government to include measures to combat vilification of the undead in the new Hate Speech laws."
Q: What it is like to be dead?
Z: Well, obviously it has its disadvantages. It's hard to get a decent table at good restuarants for starters. There is the smell factor, which is why we tend to only mix with our own kind. Then you have the moronic people in the street who keep shouting "Brrrraaaaainssss!" while you're trying to go about your business, or take your children to school. I understand why the pre-dead feel the need to mock and denigrate us, after all there are many, many popular movies where the undead are not portrayed in a positive light, at the very least. But we are taking action to rectify this kind of public vilification. We are sending a delegation to the UN in December to lobby for representation on the UN Commission for Human Rights. We will be pushing for the Australian government to include measures to combat vilification of the undead in the new Hate Speech laws.
Q: I'm sorry....I just....it's the smell. Christ, it's like finding a packet of old bacon that fell down behind the fridge two months ago. Can't you do anything about that?
A: We've tried. Nothing can cover our scent, and many of us choose not to try. We do, indeed, find it an attractive smell. Rich, tangy. I actually find the smell of the living quite repulsive.
Q : So are you in a constant state of decay? Are you rotting right now?
A : No. Actually I feel quite good. I haven't had any major repair work done in months. The decay across our community appears to be slowing, which is good news for state and federal health care budgets, and local hospitals.
Q : Isn't true that there are other ways for the undead to halt the physical decrepitude, so you don't have to have so much repair work done quite so often?
A : I know where this question is going. And I don't appreciate it. I made it very clear to you that we were not to discuss this topic.
Q : But it's a topic that very much fascinates people, living people I mean. About your people.
A : Well, that may well be so, but that's their problem, not mine.
Q : It's their problem if your hunger and horror of personal decay becomes so overwhelming that people like you jump on the freshest living human they can find and tear open their skulls and feast on the....
A : You've been watching too many movies. Incidents of...what you describe amongst the undead are very, very rare. As this morning's events, or non-event as it was, will no doubt prove, incidents relating to the old myths that you seem obsessed with are actually few and far between. All but non-existent these days, in fact. The living are far more prone to violence from their own kind, then from ours.
Q : But there's few if any recent accounts of normal people eating the brains of...
A : Normal people? Is that what you said? Right, I'm going to have to stop you there, and end this interview. Thank you very much.
Q : What do human brains' taste like it, sir? Is it true they're delicious?
A : No, that's it. I've had enough of this. You're not only being rude, but utterly offensive.
Q : How many human brains have you eaten, sir? 10? 50? 100?
A: I'm not answering any more questions.
A tense end to an interesting interview.
Reports of zombie attacks in Sydney are still appearing on Twitter, as the last of the red dust storm moves up through New South Wales and into Queensland, but these reports seem to be closer to satire, or blatant hoaxes, than any representation of reality.