Kids Online Before Training Wheels Come Off Bikes

It's going to be very interesting to see how children who learned to use the internet before they could read at even a primary school level will change our society in the coming decades :

Almost one in five children began using the internet...at the age of five or younger.

The same story reveals that government approved internet content filtering is mostly a very expensive bust, that two-thirds of pre-teen children have some level of parental supervision when they're online and that Australian children now spend more time in social networking sites than in chat rooms.

I can't see such high usage of the net by young children as anything other than positive. Look at the all the reading, writing, typing, thinking, required to navigate the net and use social networking sites. The exposure, from such an early age, to a world of information, and opinion, beyond the local or high school library, or the city newspaper and evening news, can only work wonders in the shaping of a more curious, more questioning, less gullible generation. This generation of under-5s on the net will never be conned so easily by government and corporate media lies and spin as the Baby Boomers or even GenXers were.

Best of all, if you can learn to steer clear of weirdos, perverts and fuckwits by the age of 5 online, you're life as an adult will be far less harassed by those who seek to do you harm or rip you off.

I've watched my nephew, barely five years old at the time, whipping through internet sites looking for free games to play at extraordinary speeds. He could soak up all the information he needed to know about the site he'd hit in what seemed like one or two seconds. I would have needed a nap and a strong coffee to process information that fast, and doubt that I could do it at all.

The web, and computers generally, are no big deal to kids whatsoever. They're born into hospitals crowded with them, ride home in cars equipped with them, live surrounded by toys and households filled with them, and learn to use remote controls and DVD players before they even get colours sorted out.

While minor computer geeks closing in on 40, like me, think the reality of a touch screen home computer is pretty wild, most kids you ask would say "Why's it taking so long?"

I still vividly remember my first real exposure to computers. My high school was one of the first, if not the first, non-private schools in Australia to have a row of glowing green screen Apple computers installed in a classroom. Teachers organised raffles to pay for the computers, but I think Apple basically took a loss to get them in our school. It's still vivid in my mind how utterly awed we were to learn that we could type in (lots of) lines of code and make our own Space Invaders game. An early introduction to programming and piracy.

By the time these online under-5s reach high school, they won't be using keyboards anymore and computer code will seem hilariously prehistoric. Even voice-recognition control will be outdated. They won't have the same horrified resistance as us to having GoogleBrain installed via a small implant.

The question then would not be : How young is too young to go online?

The question will be : I don't want my child to be left behind, but is wi-fi-ing my baby while he's still in the womb as safe as everybody says it is?

Labor's Lovetown

An interesting example of Positive Comments Culling on the official ALP web page devoted to global warming. Presumably they're all real, but there is an undeniable flavour of the suspiciously fawning testimonials usually found on Improve Your BrainPower With BrainBooster Scalp Cream type websites. Every single comment appears to support the Rudd government's plans for carbon tax and clean energy, with not a glimpse of criticism :

"I am moved to express my support for the Labor government's position on emissions trading... thank god we finally have a government with the guts and foresight to take the task in hand."

"I continue to feel reassured that our country is taking a better direction in many ways."

"I would also like to see the environmental ministers travel overseas and see what is being done in renewable energy and efficient transportation and car production around the world."

"We cannot sustain the status quo for much longer and, if the children of this world are to have a future, we must be the ones to lead the way."

I think cutting CO2 pollution is fantastic, but those countries that don't do their bit should be penalised. Any imports into Australia from countries not being responsible should attract higher import tariffs or import restrictions. Further, more any major new developments must commit to using renewable energy sources."

"As a blessed country which enjoys a high standard of living, education, freedom, resources and morals, it is incumbent upon us to lead the race to viable and sustainable energy production and consumption. I urge the government to continue the action and the promise demonstrated to date. Good on you."

"Please stay strong in regard to climate change. We expect it to be difficult and we expect it to cost - but it must be done. No special exemptions from carbon trading and no lack of resolve in the face of inevitable opposition from the Opposition."

"I think your push for a greener planet is to be commended!"

"Please make climate change the government's focus, with a concerted program to replace our domestic use of fossil fuel and our dependence on fossil fuel exports with new-era energy sources and systems. The price of fuel is a diversion. Sure it affects 'working families', but not as much as the collapse of our economy will."

They must some of the 3 out of 4 Australians who now support the Rudd government's plans to wind back emissions, and would also appear to support the introduction of the carbon tax.

The Greens won.

Get Pope To Exorcise ABC Of Evil Pagan Lefties

Everyone knows the ABC is anti-religion, particularly when that religion is Catholicism. So during the Pope's visit to Sydney, don't expect those Evil Pagan Lefties at 'Your' ABC to devote more than the absolutely minimal compulsory coverage they can get away with.

Evil Pagan ABC Lefties will do everything they can to sabotage their own coverage of World Youth Day Week. They have to do it. They won't be able to help themselves.

Now, if it was World Muslim Youth Day starring Osama & Obama, touring with the sacred corpse of Saddam Hussein, well, they would make it the all dominating story across all ABC media for an entire week.

EP ABC Ls will only show the Pope if he comes out in support of their Global Warmania Hoax. That won't happen, because the Pope knows God's will acts upon all the tragedies and triumphs of the planet and for the Catholic Church to admit that Man is or can be responsible for more powerful hurricanes, droughts and rising sea levels, killing millions, would mean Man's will has substituted God's. So that's not going to happen, so the lentil fanciers at the ABC won't be interested in what the Pope has to say.

And as sure as Kevin Rudd is only ear-wax polishing the big chair for Julia Gillard (or he will stay put and lose the next election), the solar panel worshippers at 'Your' ABC will not be devoting the first three to eight minutes of the 7pm evening news to speeches by the Pope, interviews with visiting priests or 30 second long grabs of American Catholics singing Jesus love songs on acoustic guitar in Hyde Park for four or five nights in a row.

And they won't dare use endless footage of screaming, near hysterical Catholic youth running wild in our streets, waving the flags of the world, in every TV news break for three days running. They hate seeing young Catholics having the times of their lives, so they won't show them celebrating their love for Jesus. If it was their Green Jesus being celebrated, then of course they'd show it.

Those Evil Pagan Lefties are so anti-religion they won't devote more total TV and radio air time to World Youth Day Week than any other single tourist-based event since the Sydney Olympics.

I know this because I read the comments of conservative Australian blogs, and they're rarely if ever wrong on those Evil Pagan Lefties at 'Your' ABC.

Tough Stance On Licorice Legs

The Liberals are mounting a tough opposition to the introduction of the Carbon Tax (or emissions trading system). They're totally against Australia joining an EU-initiated program to impose a global tax on every kilometre you drive, the food you eat and just about everything you buy that hasn't been grown by a neighbour.

The Federal Opposition has intensified its attack on the Government's emissions trading scheme, warning it has "very big flaws".

Treasury spokesman Malcolm Turnbull went on the offensive today, saying parts of the scheme were absurd, it was too rushed, and the whole country was at risk from the scheme not working out.

So, the Liberals are finally taking a real stand of opposition to one of the most radical plans for a global tax ever devised.

The Government, which could struggle to get the scheme through a hostile senate, is putting pressure on the Liberals to approve the scheme.

But Mr Turnbull was in no mood to be conciliatory today as he spoke out against the Government's proposal.

The Liberals think a carbon tax is wrong, evil, and will destroy the Australian economy and smash tight household budgets to dust. Wow, how exciting it must be for Liberals to finally have a major Labor policy issue that their party leaders are mounting real opposition against.

Mr Turnbull said the Liberals' policy was to move towards emissions trading but to do so "with great care and with great deliberation".

Oh.

Sorry. It appears I've been mistaken. Turns out the Liberals are not opposed to the introduction of a carbon tax after all. They're all for that, of course. Just as John Howard was in his last months in office.

The Liberals aren't ready to oppose something they've clearly been told must be introduced, they just want to fuck around claiming the Rudd government are doing it wrong.


And is this the most curious thing of all? The introduction of a carbon tax for all Australians is the one issue upon which the Liberals, The Greens and Labor all agree.

We must have a Carbon Tax, just like Al Gore says.

Did they all get a divine memo from Green Jesus or something?


How desperate and bizarre it must be to be a decades-dedicated, die-hard Liberal voter, who truly believes that global warming is a New Green Order hoax and thinks Greenism is prettified socialism, that Nelson is a tool, but that Turnbull is even worse.

How galling it must be to them that Peter Garrett, for Menzies sake, is a senior government minister and regularly represents Australia on the world stage.

How shocking it must still be to see Bob Brown being interviewed, taken seriously, shown respect, not just on the ABC, but on the morning, midday and evening news on 9, 7 and 10.

How nauseating it must be for Howard-era Liberals to hear the dirty tree hippie chants and envirolosophy of early 1980s anti-logging and anti-dam protests being repeated by almost the entire front bench of the Liberal opposition every time a microphone turns in their direction.

Who do they turn to for representation now? The Nationals?

Labor might have moved centre and fully adopted (for now) Rudd's promised 'economic conservatism', but the Liberals turned long lines of humiliating backflips to update themselves to modern Australia's Green-soaked belief systems and passion for clean(er) energy.

The Greens are now the real third party of Australian politics.

Bob Brown didn't need to become prime minister to see entire slabs of his environmental conservation and anti-global warming policies become reality.

So popular had long-established Green Party platforms become by 2007 that we witnessed the brain-frying Theatre Of The Absurd that was John Howard's Liberals and Kevin Rudd's Labor actually fighting in public over who loved and cared for the environment more, and who would be best at fighting climate change.

In the shaping of a new pro-environment, clean energy Australia, it wasn't Labor or Liberal ideas that won in the end.

It was The Greens.

They were there first, and they did most of the ground work in re-introducing city-dwelling Australians to the wonders of our rainforests, wetlands and wilderness areas, promoting the theory and suspected consequences of global warming, demanding expansion of solar energy usage and investment in alternative energy sources, while raising the original arguments for why we have to have a carbon tax.

A carbon tax that both Labor and Liberals now fully agree must be introduced, but the details of which are now being squabbled over. Like it will make any difference in the end.

The Greens won.

Pell : The Catholic Church Is Now Pagan

Back in 2006, Cardinal George Pell believed that calling for reductions in man-made carbon emissions was part of a new paganism. Now that the Pope is calling for reductions in carbon emissions, and a stepped up fight against environmental destruction by man, has Pell pulled him aside in Sydney to warn him of the invasion of paganism into the Catholic Church?

Cardinal Pell knows The Greening is real competition for the Catholic Church in the recruitment of the fresh hearts and minds of youth :

"I'm a bit of a sceptic about the claim that human activity is likely to produce a man-made catastrophe."

Lack of religious beliefs amongst youth is not the key threat facing the popularity and longevity of the Catholic Church, it's the faith and belief system attached to environmental conservation that is proving to be far more appealing to youth around the world. You can have sex with whoever you like, as long as you also take action to lower your carbon emissions.

"Jesus Was A Greenie" was a shortly popular chant at rainforest saving protests in the early 1980s. The Catholic Church are only now coming around to the idea, and marketing potential, of 'Green Jesus.'

The Pope has used his visit to Australia to get the word out that the Catholic Church is down with the fight against climate change. The Pope is re-branding the Catholic Church as true believers in the doctrine that humans are bringing on their own Apocalypse because they think electric lighting is pretty cool, they like warm homes and they prefer to drive cars that grunt, not hum :

"We have to give impulse to rediscovering our responsibility and to finding an ethical way to change our way of life."

He said politicians and experts must be "capable of responding to the great ecological challenge and to be up to the task of this challenge".

Pell knows his skepticism must not go too far :

"I'm well aware that over the years, there have been great changes in the climate."

"We have an obligation to care for our environment, a moral obligation," he said.

"We also very clearly have a moral obligation not to damage or destroy or ruthlessly use the environment at the expense of future generations."

Cardinal George Pell has actually wound back his rhetoric on the fight against climate change being comparable to a new pagan religion. That is, a far more attractive religion for the youth now peeling away from the Catholic Church in favour of saving the world through The Greening. Here's Pell in May, 2006 :

Some of the hysteric and extreme claims about global warming are also a symptom of pagan emptiness, of Western fear when confronted by the immense and basically uncontrollable forces of nature. Belief in a benign God who is master of the universe has a steadying psychological effect, although it is no guarantee of Utopia, no guarantee that the continuing climate and geographic changes will be benign.

In the past pagans sacrificed animals and even humans in vain attempts to placate capricious and cruel gods. Today they demand a reduction in carbon dioxide emissions.

So according to George Pell, the Catholic Church has, by embracing a world rallying fight against climate change, become a pagan religion.

UPDATE : During his official welcome in Sydney tonight, the Pope expanded his rebranding pitch on how the Catholic Church is now the house of Green Jesus, to the hundreds of thousands of youth gathered in the city for World Youth Day (Week) :

"God's creation is one and it is good. The concerns for non-violence, sustainable development, justice and peace, and care for our environment are of vital importance for humanity," Pope Benedict said.

"Perhaps reluctantly, we come to acknowledge that there are also scars which mark the surface of our earth - erosion, deforestation, the squandering of the world's mineral and ocean resources in order to fuel an insatiable consumption.

"Some of you come from island nations whose very existence is threatened by rising water levels, others from nations suffering the effects of devastating drought.

"God's wondrous creation is sometimes experienced as almost hostile to its stewards, even something dangerous."

Maybe all those devastating earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis have something to do with that.

Get Naked, Shower Together For The Lord

As part of its attempts to rebrand itself as a church of the 21st century, instead of the 16th century, has the Catholic Church decided we must no longer feel ashamed of our naked bodies?

At Woodstock, the true believers danced naked in the rain together.

At PopeStock, the true believers will shower together, with no shower curtains to hide their exposed sin-tempting flesh :

The temporary shower cubicles provided to schools hosting (World Youth Day) pilgrims hold up to four people and there are no shower curtains.

The Church recommends pilgrims shower in a swimsuit.

Apparently showering in your budgie smugglers will help you and others avoid easy temptations of the flesh. Cold showers would probably work even better.

Shhh, Don't Mention Iraq

Australia's greatest ever...hell, the world's greatest foreign minister in all of human history, Alexander Downer, was fondly farewelled here a few days ago. Obviously in declaring that Downer being removed to Cyprus would mean his nasally, perpetually whining voice would fall quiet in Australia, I didn't consider the fact that he would, and will, continue to bleat on about how awesome he was, and still is, whenever the opportunity presents itself.

The Sydney Morning Herald's Peter Hatcher gave Downer a solid serve last week, and so now Downer needs to have a big long whine in response :

The tragedy of much public commentary in Australia is that it is blatantly anti-conservative, fascinated with trivia and, when it comes to conservatives, rich with personal abuse.

It's good to see that Downer recognises that "much public commentary in Australia" from the conservative side is "rich with personal abuse." Surely I'm not reading that wrong?

But he's right of course. So much public commentary in Australia is blatantly anti-conservative. The irony is that much of the most influential and widely read anti-conservative commentary is written by those who claim to be "conservative".

Commentators like Andrew Bolt continually neon sign why conservatives in Australia are often seen as fanatical self-appointed moral gatekeepers, anti-progressives when it comes to energy, big money wasters when it comes to defence spending, generally hysteric and ceaselessly pro-war in an age where war-fighting between nations has almost ceased.

Nothing can damage the conservative cause in Australia more than to have commentators like Andrew Bolt and Piers Akerman preach their extremist version of conservative politics and shout "I'm A Conservative!" every chance they get.

Back to Downer :

The last dozen years has been a period of intense activity in Australian foreign policy. Some of it has been controversial; some of it has been unpopular; and sometimes the practitioners have had a moment of laughter and personal enjoyment. But always our policies have been considered, planned and founded on the principle of promoting Australia's national interests.

Downer then praises himself for what he believes are the greatest achievements by the Howard government. Waiting until the last minute to send troops to East Timor tops Downer's list of My Greatest Achievements, even though that belated decision was made by John Howard.

But in his 'Why I'm Awesome' checklist, Downer fails to mention Iraq, or the overthrow of the Saddam Hussein regime.

Why? Shouldn't the Iraq War be one of, if not the primary, sources of pride for going-but-still
-not-gone Downer?

Hartcher was particularly critical of Downer on Iraq.

...it was Downer who most ardently and tirelessly defended the invasion of Iraq, but it was Howard's decision to participate in that misguided venture. And, in the historical assessment, Downer's term as foreign minister will surely be judged on the Iraq policy.

Downer's response :

One of the saddest things about modern Australia is we still have commentators such as Hartcher....They just want to make puerile anti-conservative party political points built on a foundation of trivia.

So now we know why Downer didn't mention Iraq in his epistle of self-praise : Iraq is now filed by Downer under "trivia."

Heath Ledger As 'The Joker' : Slightly More Psycho Sir Les?

Was Sir Les Patterson a major source of inspiration for Heath Ledger when he was creating his version of The Joker character for the new Batman film, Dark Knight?

This is the first clip I've seen of Ledger in action that's more than a few seconds long, and it's excellent to finally see something that shows us why so many are so excited about his performance.

To me, in The Joker we can see Ledger playing Sir Les Patterson as a thinner, younger, better dressed man, with less food falling out of his mouth. Obviously, it's not a full imitation of Sir Les, but you can definitely see Barry Humphries' character has been absorbed by Ledger for this role. That's my theory anyway.

Sydney Cops : Alcohol, Not Drugs, Is The Biggest Crime-Related Threat To Community

A stunning quote from a cop on a reality of life fighting crime in Sydney :

"The majority of our work is alcohol related..."

All those cops, all that training, all that money, all that paperwork, and most of their time is spent trying to stop drunk people from smashing the shit out of each other. Alcohol-related violence is not a minority crime. It is the majority of all crimes today in Australia. We are an alcohol-soaked country, and we get hammered and abuse and beat each other into hospitals, or police cells, at rates that regularly rank high in world rankings.

A War On Alcohol, according to Sydney police, is overdue. But that's probably a bit too Taliban-esque for Australians.

"You can take our lives, but you will never take our Bundy & Cokes!"

Then again, we do have laws in Sydney now that allow police, and 'deputised' volunteers, to harass, search, question and arrest people for being "annoying."

So nothing's off the table right now.

They Used To Walk For Weeks To Get To These Parties

It's going to take a Miracle to fix the huge problems facing Sydney rail commuters later this week when about a hundred thousand visitors try to get on board already armpit-eyeball stuffed train carriages. A Miracle.

Luckily, the Pope is coming to town.

Will Jesus be a surprise (or perhaps not surprising) guest at PopeFest?

The local archbishop has just his PopeStock ruined, as many victims of instituionalised abuse in the Catholic Church now wait for The Pope to apologize for the hundred-odd priests who've been busted abusing children while serving the Lord, let alone the many more priests who have never had to pay for their crimes. You can only hope there really is a very biblical flaming hell for those bastards.

Perhaps The Pope can organise something special, after he apologises, and then sets about finally trying to right some of those demonic abuses against children.

Remembering Alex



Alexander Downer is almost gone, but he's not forgotten. His star will shine brightly on and on and on. At least until Friday.

We remember Alexander Downer, the extraordinarily floppy, sooky and comically petulant foreign minister of the now all but forgotten John Howard government.

We remember Alexander Downer, yes. But do YOU?

Do you remember when Alex and his buddy John stood up in front of the Australian people and told them they were under bio-terror attack, when they both knew this was clearly untrue, and they had both been repeatedly advised against claiming white powder found in the Indonesian embassy was a biological agent?

Do you remember when Alex told the mostly unarmed people of Fiji to rise up, in violent opposition, against the military after a bloodless coup?

Do you remember when Alex was banned from visiting Fiji and how the people of Fiji refused to follow his advice and how there was no tide of violence, and the Australian military, ready and waiting, didn't have to launch an invasion to save Australian citizens?

Do you remember when Alex quietly set about signing Australia up to the US Missile Defence Shield, which would have cost Australians hundreds of millions of dollars?

Do you remember when Alex, during APEC, tried to claim that hosting a franchise of the US Missile Defence Shield would cause absolutely no problems or tensions with Russia and China?

Do you remember when Alex spent Christmas spattered in the blood of war dead?

Do you remember when Alex pledged Australia's "absolute commitment" to Israel and offered to send Australian troops into Palestine to stop the democratically elected government from ruling?

Do you remember when Alex tried to stir up trouble with Pakistan by selling nuclear fuel to India?

Do you remember when Alex was busted ignoring numerous memos pointing out than Australians were involved in bribing the Saddam Hussein regime some $300 million before the War On Iraq began? Do you remember the catastrophic memory failures he suffered during questioning about the corruption scandal?

Do you remember when Alex used up the government's total emergency stockpile of "I don't recalls" the day before John Howard suffered the most humiliating day of his prime ministership?

Do you remember when Alex, growing ever more desperate as polls showed Rudd would win the coming election, started using Paul Keating insults in Parliament?

Do you remember when Alex became incredibly petulant and rude to Australian and international high school students and refused to answer their basic questions about his government's position on climate change?

Do you remember when Alex said that withdrawing troops from Iraq was "abandoning your mates", shortly before the British announced they were withdrawing troops from Iraq?

Do you remember the intense gibberish that Downer consistently spewed about the Rudd plan to withdraw troops, even though it was to a timetable that defence chiefs believed, even then, was appropriate and timely?

Do you remember when Alex cracked under the pressure of knowing his government was about to lose and made a complete idiot of himself by turning up on Lateline, half-pissed out of his mind, slurring words and speaking yet more intense gibberish?

Do you remember when, after losing government, Alex tried to blame the solid and humiliating defeat on "The Timing"?

Do you remember when Alex decided to give up his booming career in morning talkback radio for a quickly aborted return to the front benches?

Do you remember when Alex called a cartoon of himself being rutted, or "dominated" by John Howard "offensive"?


In all fairness to Alexander "Cyprus Doesn't Have An Extradition Treaty For War Crimes, Right?" Downer, I do like his take on Kevin Rudd, back on February 20, 2007.

Downer, not suprisingly, had Rudd's number way back then. Fuck lot of difference that made in the end, however. Downer couldn't stop being sooky, whiney and smarmy long enough to get his message through to the Australian people, without making them feel like they needed a hot bath after watching an entire interview with him. From Lateline :

TONY JONES: Alright, a final quick question. On today's Newspoll I see you've accused Kevin Rudd of flouncing around like a celebrity. Now, are you surprised at the way the Australian voters at this point appear to have taken him to their hearts?

ALEXANDER DOWNER: Well, I'm not surprised because I think in the very short term it's somebody different from the leaders the Labor Party's had before and, you know, I mean whether it's fair - - -

TONY JONES: Different to the Prime Minister, the leader of the Liberal Party as
well?

ALEXANDER DOWNER: Let me answer the question maybe, rather than you answer it.

So very, very sooky.

The test for Mr Rudd is going to be in the end a quite different test than the ephemera of opinion polls. The test for Mr Rudd is going to be whether he can establish a credible program and the Australian public in the end conclude that he actually believes in something. The problem for Mr Rudd says he doesn't believe in something, he believes in everything.

In the end it becomes incomprehensible to the public and that is the challenge for Mr Rudd. I think at the moment he's new but he's incomprehensible.

Kevin Rudd is "Mr Incomprehensible". That other Mr Men character.

Shows how much attention anyone in the Liberal Party is paying, as they still, all but fruitlessly, seek the weak links in Rudd's armour. Downer delivered them a heaving tray of ways to precisely and permanently re-brand Rudd, back in February, 2007, but they don't seem to have noticed.

Yet.

Downer : Recoil At The Recall

Looking through these blog archives of the past two years so as to put together an appropriately glowing tribute to Australia's longest serving foreign minister, Alexander Downer, (I am a professional, after all) I've found an abundance of posts that really capture the elements of his character that we enjoyed the most : the prissy, the sooky, the evasive, the abusive, the casual teller of appalling lies, and the just plain hysterical.

The following was posted on the Your New Reality back on April 12, 2006. Alexander Downer had been called to answer questions in front of the Cole Commission :

How To Dodge Embarrassing Questions Like A Professional - Downer's Sensational Secrets Revealed

For the purpose of this training session, imagine you are the Foreign Minister of Australia, and you have been for almost a decade.

Now, imagine that you’re caught up in....oh, let’s say, a massive bribery and corruption scandal where an Australian company you’re very fond of slatheringly greased the already greasy palms of one of the world’s worst dictators, with $290 million of pure cash, so much cash they had to use forklifts to move it around, and now imagine you’ve pretty much known all about it for getting onto six, maybe even seven years. Imagine, too, that a lot of memos came over your desk from Iraq, where Australians were telling you what was going on and asking why you were allowing such corruption, such funding of a fucking dictator, to continue.

Today, you’re fronting an inquiry into the scandal, and it’s all a bit heavy. After all, you’ve practically been colluding with the enemy, even if that collusion only involved you turning many a blind eye to what was going down. There's no doubt far much worse, but they don't know that right now. So don't panic.

The questions will be tough, but your Prime Minister set up this inquiry, he set the terms of reference, so you haven’t got too much to worry about. The commissioner in charge can’t prosecute you. All he can do is allow you to be questioned for a few hours by teams of lawyers and QCs.

Okay. Now this might only be an exercise, but this is big league stuff. A major lesson. Now it might seem like you're being thrown in the deep end, but you’re tutor today is the very master blaster of obfuscation and raw deceit, the Foreign Minister of Australia, Alexander Downer.

Every quote used below is a real quote from Downer's appearance on April 10, 2006, at the Cole Inquiry into the corruption of the UN Oil For Food program.

Now, once the questions start rolling your way, try to avoid the simple and boring “No” answer. That kind of response quickly gives QCs the shits.

Saying “No” repeatedly makes it sound like you might be hiding something, or give the appearance that you don’t want to answer the questions honestly. After all, you’re under oath here.

Choose a favourite phrase of negative response and make good use of it.

“I don't recall.”

“I don’t recall.”

“I don’t recall.”

Three times in a row is plenty. You’ll start to look dodgy if you keep it up.

Now it’s time to shift gear. You’re still going to answer in the negative, you’re still going to avoid the question, but you’re going to alter your favourite response, oh so slightly.

“I just don’t recall.”

Or

“No, not that I can recall at all.”

Or

“I can't recall my state of mind when I read the document...”

Or

“I don't recall being given that information.”

Very good.

Throw in a “wells” here and there, it makes you sound like you’re really trying to remember what you really don’t want to remember.

“Well, I simply do not recall.”

Good.

“Well, I can only tell you what I can recall...”

Okay, don’t overdo it with the “wells”.

“If he had told me that, I would have thought I'd have remembered it, but I don't recall.”

Nice.

Now, when the questions get too close for comfort, when they’re honing in on information there is absolutely no way in the world you could possibly not be aware of, it’s time to get cute and cagey.

“Yes, it could be.”

“It may have been.”

“It could have been.”

“It might have been..”

A few “bes” and “beens” is enough. You’ve still got a couple of hours of questioning ahead. Shift back to the old favourite for a while.

“I don’t recall.”

“No, I don’t recall that.”

Careful, you’re almost repeating yourself.

“I don't recall them saying that.”

“I don't recall them saying that to me.”

“I could have done, but I don't recall it.”

“No, not that I can recall at all.”

The key is in variations.

“I can't, of course, recall.”

Excellent.

Next, you want to give the same response, but it’s time to take the attention off yourself and start directing it elsewhere.

“I don't recall him saying that.”

Or

"I don't recall him saying that in the conversation.”

Too many short responses, it’s time for a bit of waffle.

“I am only in a position to tell you what I recall of the conversation, which is very sketchy....”

Good, that actually sounded like you were being honest.

“I don't recall it being brought to my attention, but it is possible it could have been.”

That made too much sense. Throw the bastards off their guard by saying something that is near on incomprehensible.

“Yes, I don't recall that being discussed, but I simply do not recall it is all I can say.”

Brilliant!

Remember to point out the time that has elapsed since the events in question took place.

“I have only a very distant recollection, surprisingly. It's a long time ago.”

Fantastic.

If they give you a hard time, don’t be afraid to get all poopsy about it.

“Well, my recollection is consistent with the statement that I made. I don't really have anything to add to it.”

And when they try and crank up the pressure, stick to your last answer.

“I stand by my statement.”

“Yes, I stand by my statement.”

“I still stand by my statement.”

What about when you’re specifically asked what you remember?

“I don't remember precisely...”

What if they keep pushing?

“My recollection is of a much more general nature.”

And if they keep insisting on a straight answer?

"I can’t answer that question.”

Say it with authority, like you can’t answer for a reason you simply are not going to reveal. Then repeat.

“I can't answer that question.”

And don’t be afraid to then fall back on an old favourite.

“I can’t recall.”

At some point, someone is going to point out that you seem to be having recall problems, even though you’ve said the word ‘recall’ twenty or more times in an hour. Try this to throw them off guard.

“No-one's memory is perfect.”

And do it with a pout.

When you know that they know that you know they know, admit you did it, just not completely.

“I may have done.”

But did you?

“I can't tell you.”

Why not?

“I have no recollection of it.”

What a brilliant student you are! Alexander will be very proud.

And, finally, when you feel as though you’ve exhausted all the variations and alternates, but you know the questioning is drawing to a close, you may choose to go back to your stand-by, but give it some added emphasis.

“I just can't recall it at all.”

And there you have it.

Now you know how to avoid answering the tough questions just like Alexander Downer would.

And did, yesterday.

Your certificate of achievement is in the mail.

Alexander Downer : A Physically Robust Scarlett O'Hara

The politician who was beyond parody is farewelled in tributes that are, appropriately enough, also beyond parody. Almost...

The Professional Idiot :

Downer is a man who - like all rounded people - has a sense of humor and a keener sense of the ridiculous. Likewise, as Foreign Minister he could cut to the moral centre of an issue, and...never confused process with purpose. He is a true humanist, with all the passions you’d expect and want.

Just Another Murdoch Pro-War, Pro-Violence Propagandist :

(Downer) always has the scent of combat in his nostrils, he doesn't hold personal grudges long and has to a remarkable degree the Scarlett O'Hara virtue of regarding each new day as a new beginning and a chance to do something great.

Downer is like Scarlett O'Hara...

Downer was physically the more robust foreign minister.

This isn't political commentary from Greg Sheridan, it's a sobbing confession of man love.

He is blessed with a constitution that allows him to sleep whenever he's tired, wherever he is.

Downer has narcolepsy? Perhaps it was all the free booze...

He plays golf and tennis and until a few years ago played squash.

Mmmm, Downer in tennis shorts. Anyone?

In private he is great company with a raucous, witty and deeply literate sense of humour...

He knows a few jokes about beating the shit out of your wife.

Although Downer is in many ways very open and straightforward, there is a lot about him that is a distinct contrast to his public image....

You could only hope so. His public image is smeared with the blood of war and dirty money and dodgy dealings on Iraq and East Timor's oil.

Downer is a pretty avid reader of classic literature, history and biography. The book he has most recently read is The Return of History and the End of Dreams by American foreign policy neo-conservative Robert Kagan.

If Downer's reading Kagan's latest book about why the West must immediately kill more Muslims, in Iran this time, before dealing with those commie bastards in China, we should consider ourselves entirely blessed that Downer has been removed from Australian politics.

So many things conspire against history judging Downer fairly. He comes from a distinguished family. There is some money in his family. He has a just slightly plummy accent. He was an unsuccessful leader of the Opposition. He is a self-confident conservative. These are the main charges of indictment against Downer...

No, that's a cold load of old toad. The main charges of indictment against Downer are - trying to rip off the East Timorese with used-car salesman tactics during oil treaty negotiations; The Iraq War; Saddam's Non-WMDs; the AWB scandal; Australians held without charge for four years, and more, by our American allies; cracking jokes about domestic violence in front of victims of domestic violence; actively trying to ferment civil war and civilian slaughter in Fiji; having psycho-whiny phone-throwing temper tantrums in front of foreign diplomats...

Greg Sheridan's farewell to Downer is called : Regrets At Giant's Passing.


I'm not sure why Downer's diplomatic post to Cyprus is viewed by Liberals as some sort of victory. Rudd has effectively removed Downer from the Australian political stage when the Liberals need every loud, cutting voice they can get (no matter how whiny) to shred the Rudd government as they quickly roll out new and what will prove to be unpopular policy.

Downer making any kind of contribution to the political debate in Australia, from Cyprus, will look absurd, and desperate.

Downer is gone. He's irrelevant. Nobody's going to care what he has to say anymore, unless Cyprus explodes into fresh violence, and with dodgy Downer in town who knows what could happen.

Australia's New Oil Boom

Hemp For Industry Can Now Be Grown Legally Across Most Of Australia



Some crops are difficult to grow. Or more precisely, some crops are an absolute pain in the arse to grow, requiring special soil treatments, complicated, high maintenance irrigation systems and plenty of (now) expensive water, pesticides, and so on.

But hemp is a remarkably easy crop to sow and grow, requiring minimal water or pesticides. The stuff will grow in just about any soil type, and there's interesting research that claims hemp is an effective way of sucking salt from heavily salinated soil and even removing heavy metals and other toxic pollutants.

But it's potential as an alternative energy source, bio-fuel, or more precisely biodiesel, should stop Australia from devoting arable land to food crops that would only be used for lesser fuel crops (like palm and sugar) :

* The hydrocarbons in hemp can be processed into a wide range of biomass energy sources, from fuel pellets to liquid fuels and gas.

* Hemp can be converted to a solid fuel like charcoal and burnt for heat. When burnt, hemp bio-mass can produce steam to power turbines for power generation.

* It can also be used with coal in thermoelectric power plants. Fermented bio-mass (methanol ethanol) is made and used in diesel engines.

We are sitting on a massive oil boom. Hemp oil, that is. You can run your car on it, slather it on your face to cure a huge variety of skin problems, you can cook with it and you can use it as an industrial lubricant. Only a few of the stunning range of uses for hemp oil.

The New South Wales parliament has now passed The Hemp Industry Bill, which will allow 'select' farmers in NSW to grow hemp, though they will have to endure some draconian surveillance due to rancid paranoia over the possibility that some farmers might slip some THC-heavy hemp in amongst the rest of a ultra-low THC-active crop.

From the Daily Telegraph :

The Hemp Industry Bill will allow farmers to grow hemp (cannabis sativa) for use in skin care products, paint, load-bearing masonry, insulation and as an additive to wool, Primary Industries Minister Ian Macdonald said today.

Such production is already permitted in Victoria, Tasmania, Queensland, the ACT, Victoria and Western Australia.

The NSW Department of Primary Industries would work with farmers to make sure crops were only grown under a licence by applicants of good repute, Mr Macdonald said.

The legislation would pave the way for a potentially lucrative industrial hemp industry, providing farmers with the additional option of another fast-growing summer crop, Mr Macdonald said.

"This is a direct result of the environmentally friendly nature of industrial hemp and a perceived interest in hemp products in the market," he added.

Despite the negatives, it is surely a good start for a new Australian (hemp) oil boom.

Australia could easily produce (with decent investment) enough hemp bio-mass to fuel cars, trucks and electricity generators, a new source for plastics and paper, as well as producing a highly nutritious food source, still one of the best sources protein available in the world today.

Next comes the revolution of using hemp and THC-active cannabis as a replacement medicine for a vast range of life-saving, and life-extending, pharmaceuticals whose side effects wreak far too much physical damage. But don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen.

The challenge now is to make sure the hemp industry and hemp market is given the investment it needs to grow and flourish, and to ensure (by limiting regulation) enough freedom and entruepreneurship to stop this miracle crop from being overtly controlled, or contained, by the industries that do not welcome hemp's long-overdue arrival in a competitive marketplace.

Rani Meets Holly

They're neighbours, and good friends.

When AC/DC Were Glam


AC/DC's first photo shoot in 1974
Ak! Before Bon Scott joined the brothers Angus and Malcolm Young to record some of the heaviest and grittiest hard rock albums ever pressed into vinyl, AC/DC (with scarf wearing lead singer Dave Evans) had a taste for the sound and fashion of the era : glam!

Photographer Philip Morris took the above photo for what was AC/DC's first official photo shoot. Morris has now dug through his old 1970s Australian rock photos archive for a new exhibition.

From smh.com.au :

"I used to photograph a lot of unknown bands who didn't have a record deal and weren't going to," Morris says. "I thought AC/DC were fun, but it was just another day at work."
He photographed AC/DC's first gigs and saw their transformation from glam to hard rock. They ditched the knee-high boots and their original frontman, Dave Evans, when Bon Scott arrived on the scene.
It was Scott's energy on stage that finally convinced Morris the band had a future. "When he sang, he transformed into this amazing performer," he says.
AC/DC Exposed! opens tonight at Blender Gallery, Paddington (in NSW).

Only Malcolm and Angus Young stayed on from that 1974 line-up. A year later, Bon Scott had replaced Dave Evans as lead singer and, as the below video shows, most of the glam-era imagery had been well and truly (and thankfully) tossed aside for the more standard tight jeans, tight t-shirt hard rock look. Most of the glam, that is, but not all. In the video you'll notice that Malcolm (on the left) was still enjoying his knee-high boots with stacked heels.

More Rock Writing From Darryl Mason Here - Ozzy Osbourne, Jeff Buckley, Silverchair, Kyuss

Australians Rock!

A fascinating new survey, Trends in Australian Public Opinion, sheds more light on why Australians dumped the parochial, paranoid, fear-mongering Howard government in last year's federal election. It also reveals just how out-of-touch Australia's tabloid media has become, with their hysterical campaigns against unions, the Greens, sex-on-TV and pro-big business agendas.

Some of the more interesting revelations :

* 10% of Australians want more nudity, more sex in movies and magazines.

* More Australians would have voted in favour of Bob Brown for PM than Peter Costello.

* Australians are becoming more and more supportive of increasing spending for social services, even if it means sacrificing tax cuts.

* In just one year, the proportion of Australians who think there is far too much nudity and sex in magazines in movies fell from 59% to 48%.

* Most Australians think big business has way too much power.

And we're supposed to believe that Australia is becoming a more conservative, anti-union, wealth-orientated nation?

Absolute twaddle.

The socially responsible, free-thinking Australia revealed by this survey is an Australia we should all be very, very proud of. We rock!

Last Australian Combat Troops Arrive Home, Mission Completed

John Howard On The Iraq War : The First Six Months

So the Iraq War is over now for Australian combat troops, officially anyway, with the last troops arriving home to warm welcomes from friends and family over the weekend :

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has today seen the completion of his pledge to bring home all of Australia's combat troops from Iraq, with the final contingent of soldiers flying into Brisbane.

Families and friends waited nervously at Brisbane airport for the first glimpse of loved ones they had not seen for more than six months.

Hugs and tears greeted the 80 members of the Seventh Brigade after their plane touched down...

They are the last soldiers from the Overwatch Battle Group to return home from southern Iraq and their Commander, Brigadier Steven Day, says they accomplished their mission.

"There is a deep sense of pride in what they have done. They have toiled hard for the last six or seven months and southern Iraq is a better place for what they have done," he said.

Well Done and Welcome Home.

The Australian Defence Force strategists who purposely kept Australian combat troops from spending too much time patrolling with under-trained, terrified, and sometimes dangerously incompetent American forces should be thanked. (While stationed in Jordan in the days before the war officially began, Australian troops witnessed young, inexperienced Americans almost blowing a British Chinook helicopter out of the sky. The Americans thought the Chinook was Iraqi. Iraq, of course, has never owned or used Chinook helicopters. The Brits landed their helicopter near the Americans, got out and punched crap out of them.)

Likewise, those ADFers who demanded Australian troops spend as little time as possible in Iraqi provinces fatally contaminated by depleted uranium dust should be thanked.

It will be many years before some of the most important government and ADF documents and reports on the lead-up to the Iraq War, and its opening months, are declassified, and it will only be then that we will learn the full truth of war where it concerned Australian combat troops.

That most Australians know so little of what their troops did and experienced in the Iraq War is a damn shame, and hopefully something that will be rectified in the next few years as more stories of their frontline experiences are made public through books, documentaries and movies.

That most Australians know so little about John Howard's total commitment to the 'War on Terror', including the Iraq War, within days of the September 11, 2001 attacks, is an abheration of our nation's history. That Howard repeatedly lied to all Australians that he had not committed Australian troops to the Iraq War as late as mid-March is, or should be, criminal.

Following is a recap of Howard quotes on the invasion and occupation of Iraq from January to June, 2003. Note the constantly shifting 'reasons for war' and the blindly optimistic belief that there would be no major resistance from Iraqi civilians, which directly contradicted key intelligence briefings Howard received on what would happen once the invasion begun.

As a point of reference, being information Howard was clearly made aware of, the first car bombs aimed at American troops exploded with hours of the start of the war, and the very first American vehicles to enter Baghdad were not met with a shower of chocolates and flowers but machine gun fire from men, women and children shooting from hundreds of open windows and rooftops. The Iraqi resistance began the moment the war did, as Australian generals well knew it would.

John Howard :

"....our goal is to make certain that the weapons that Iraq now has, chemical and biological and a capacity to develop nuclear weapons, are taken from Iraq. I don't believe the world can turn its back on that - January 23, 2003

"..if as a consequence of that military action the current regime disappears, that circumstances in Iraq could well be a lot better, I’m certain they will be a lot better and that in a relatively short period of time the situation could stabilise in the way that it did in Afghanistan." - February 7. 2003

"Iraq must be disarmed. We cannot afford to allow a rogue state like Iraq to retain chemical and biological weapons. Others will do likewise. North Korea will not be disciplined by the world community if Iraq is not disciplined." - March 14, 2003

Howard had been told repeatedly, by March 14, 2003, that Iraq's WMD capabilities were next to useless and/or non-existent.

"I have no doubt at all in my mind, and many would agree with me, that the Iraqi people will suffer less if Saddam Hussein is removed." - March 17, 2003

"I think you’ve also got to remember that the suffering of the Iraqi people will be a lot less once this regime has gone..." - March 19, 2003

"I want the Iraqi regime disarmed, I want Iraq disarmed. The question of what happens to Saddam Hussein to me is incidental. The aim is the disarmament of Iraq."- March 19, 2003

"...we don’t have any quarrel with the ordinary people of Iraq, we don’t want to inflict any avoidable pain injury or death on them. We do have a big quarrel with the regime because it’s the regime that has defied the world in relation to its chemical and biological weapons. We mustn’t lose sight of what this is all about." - March 20, 2003

"....on the scale of suffering I have believed for a long time that the people of Iraq will suffer less if he’s gone than if he’s left there." - March 21, 2003

"...it is a very tyrannical regime and once it’s gone the people of Iraq will I’m sure have a much better life." - April 2, 2003

"...if Iraq had disarmed and fully cooperated, then I don’t think people would have been arguing on its own for regime change." - April 2, 2003

"...getting rid of the regime and thereby ensuring that Iraq does not retain chemical and biological weapons or a capacity to develop them in the future, that is the goal....I would say victory once the regime is gone." - April 6, 2003

"...we won't be making a significant peacekeeping contribution. I would expect that as our military involvement winds down, and I'm not announcing that it's about to wind down, let me emphasise, but at some point obviously it will begin to wind down." - April 10, 2003

The scale of resistance by Iraqi civilians to the invasion and occupation was already clear by April 10, 2003. Howard knew that. By April 10, Howard had already told the Australian military leaders and commanders that he had committed Australian troops to staying in Iraq for the long haul.

"Of course there were (civilian casualties from 'Shock & Awe'). But you have to put that in the balance against the tens upon tens of thousands who have died in different ways as a result of this regime." April 13, 2003

Conservative estimates of Iraqi deaths as a direct result of the invasion and occupation of Iraq reach more than 100,000. More generous estimates put the death toll at close to one million. The majority of deaths in Iraq were, and are still, not officially recorded by the US military, or the US and Iraq governments. The Iraq War resulted in some 4 million Iraqis becoming refugees.

"It was inevitable that when you topple a tyrannical regime and you took the lid off, it was inevitable there was going to be a period of some upheaval..." April 16, 2003

"...it was a remarkable military victory, and a great tribute to the American military leadership." May 2, 2003

"...can I Mr President congratulate you on the leadership that you gave to the world, at times under very great criticism, at times facing very great obstruction...I think what was achieved in Iraq was quite extraordinary from a military point of view. I think the military textbooks will be replete with the experiences of Operation Iraqi Freedom for many years to come..." May 3, 2003

A few more recaps of the Iraq War and Australia's role in it to follow in the next week.