What It Meant To Be An Australian In 1914

"They Clung To The Principle Of Standing By The Weaker Brother"

(Note : I have run this story before on this blog, and I'll run it again next year as well)

C.E.W. Bean's essential history of Australians at war during World War 1, Anzac To Amiens, includes some invaluable insights into Australian society, in the cities and in the bush, in the year before the war broke out.

In amongst all the talk today of what it means to be an Australian, it was with great interest that I found within Bean's book an encapsulating description of Australians and Australian society in the years just before the "War To End All Wars" broke out.

In only a few pages of his book, Bean manages to nail down an Australian identity rarely discussed today, or even widely recognised as an identity Australians once had and happily shared.

In many ways, the Australian society he describes in the first chapter of Anzac To Amiens - as he sets the scene for the inspiring and shocking story that follows - was never to be the same again.

The war, its crippling financial costs and its monumental casualty take shattered the width and breadth of the Australian society, from sparsely populated country villages to the tram-noisy chaos of Sydney, as it tore away (in Bean's words) "husband from wife, son from mother, (and) savings from those who had spent a lifetime in patient thrift."

How near to the optimistic heights dreamed of by those Australians, then only 14 years after Federation, have we soared in the 94 years since?

How close to their utterly essential "basic creed" and ideal of what defined an Australian do we now stand today?

Here are some excerpts from the first chapter :

In 1914, Australians were only 126 years from their first settlement in this continent...we were only 101 years from the first crossing of the Blue Mountains, only 63 (years) from the first gold rush, 58 (years) from the first establishment here of democratic self-government. Some Australian who went to the war had ancestors still alive who could remember some of the first generation of countrymen; many had grandparents or great grandparents who could tell them of the gold rush, the bushrangers, the later explorers and the imported convicts.

Yet, though many of the older men and women had actually lived in them, the colonial days were, by 1914, almost as extinct of those of William the Conqueror.

The people of the six colonies, which had federated only fourteen years before, regarded themselves as being in the forefront of human progress, and indeed, in some not unimportant respects they had reason to do so.

When emigrating from Britain most of their ancestors had half-consciously tried to cast off what they vaguely felt to be elements of inequality and injustice in the inherited social systems of Europe.

They were disrespectful of old methods, eager to try out new ones. They had of late deliberately changed the whole basis of their wage system, in an effort to adjust it to the public conscience in place of the uncontrolled results of supply and demand.

They had made many mistakes, due to vague thinking and inadequate study, but they had achieved something.

They had established at least one very great and successful industry - that of wool production - and had managed to so spread its profits that real wages were then possibly higher in Australia than anywhere else in the world; at all events the life of the ordinary man, woman and child contain probably more healthy recreation than anywhere else.

Public education then compared favourably with that of any people except perhaps those of Scandinavia; in the enjoyment of such modern material benefits as telephones and electric light Australians were ahead of the British though behind the Americans.

Probably nowhere were the less wealthy folk more truly free, or on such terms of genuine social equality with the rich, in dress, habits and intercourse....

It is true that in one respect living conditions in Australia - as in most newly-settled lands, even the United States - differed widely from those in older countries; a vast gap existed between the conditions in country and city. In the cities life was not markedly different from that of any great European or American town; but country life was in many parts still set in almost pioneering environment.

Yet the outback homesteads often contain surprising evidence of culture. It was much more than a superficial sign that the women who drove in to meet the mail train at a distant siding often dressed in the fashion of Paris, London, or New York.

And if in the bars and hostels even of the big cities at racetimes and on holidays there was sometimes evidence of the Wild West, there was little inferiority complex about the people of this particularly free country.

Its universities were in many ways progressive; its governments were launching into social experiments. Its business and political leaders thoroughly believed in its future and, with only 4 1/2 million white people (and perhaps 100,000 Australian blacks) in the continent, they borrowed freely from overseas to launch into industrial and social enterprises.

Many young Australians tended to condemn the English immigrant for his comparative slowness and lack of confidence in dealing with the unknown men and conditions, and were irritated by his certitude as to the superiority of the methods of the "old country".

The Australian ballad writers, Gordon, Lawson, Paterson, Ogilivie and others, were constantly read and quoted. The people were not formally religious, but there was a marked comradeliness in their outlook, and no degree of economic pressure could induce them to abandon it.

The people, newly federated, were at this stage very consciously intent upon building themselves into a great nation.

Without giving the matter much thought, most Australians assumed that the development of their country would be similar to that of the United States.

...with easy optimism, Australian anticipated that within a century or so her 5 million people would be increased to 60 if not 100 million.

The historian, who tries to to discover what motive most powerfully moved the Australian people at that interesting stage, will probably come to the conclusion that tradition - such as is consciously or unconsciously handed down in almost every word or action by parents and teachers to children, by priests and pastors, professional trades and business men to their successors, by witters to readers, even by older children to younger - was immensely strong and enduring.

The tradition was largely British...But with the British standards were mingled those of the pioneers - the backwoodsmen, and the men of the great ruins and the mining fields.

It was to these last that Australians owed their resourcefulness and readiness to grapple with their objectives even against authority, and also their basic creed, in industry as in war, that a man must at all costs stand by his mate.

...they clung to the principle of standing by the weaker brother.

* * * * * * * * *

Almost one in every twelve Australians alive then served in some capacity during World War 1; in Europe, the Middle East or at home.

A force of 417,000 was raised from a total population of just under 5 million people.

Some 331,000 "took the field" during the four years of WWI1.

59,342 were killed or died as a result of wounds suffered during fighting.

Another 152,000 Australians were wounded.

Of all who "took the field" during the war, 64.8% were killed or wounded.

By the start of World War 2, in 1939, more than 2000 men remained hospitalised for physical and mental injuries resulting from the war twenty years previous.

In 1939, some 50,000 veterans of the first world war visited hospitals or AIF-related medical facilities for ongoing treatment and rehabilitation.

* * * * * * * *

C.E.W Bean devoted decades of his life to writing the full story of the Australian Anzacs, and his official history, encompassing twelve volumes and millions of words, has proved invaluable to every modern chronicler of the war that consumed many of the very best of two generations of Australians, and left it deeply in debt to Britain and the United States.

Bean was no public servant, back in Australia combing official reports and daily casualty lists to compile an official history that met with official approval. Bean was there, he wandered many battlefields and had the experiences of Australians at war during WW1 carved into his soul.

Remarkably his own photos of the battle at Lone Pine detail the early edition I'm now reading.

Unfortunately, Anzacs To Amiens doesn't appear to be for sale online, outside of collector's copies which start at about $160.

Orstrahyuh : The Movie

It will be worth watching for Mandy Walker's spectacular cinematography alone, but please, please, please Do Not Suck :



Not mentioned much yet in the media is that there is, apparently, a potentially controversial sub-plot involving Aboriginal children (or at least one as the trailer seems to indicate) being stolen away from their families. I think a controversy should begin over those cowboy movie-style swinging doors hanging in an Australian pub. Pffft, they won't keep the blowies out.

More on the plot of 'Australia' from the IMDB :

Luhrmann's film is set in northern Australia prior to World War II and centers on an English aristocrat (Kidman) who inherits a cattle station the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take her land, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn stock-man (Jackman) to drive 2,000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles of the country's most unforgiving land, only to still face the bombing of Darwin, Australia, by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor only months earlier.

If director Baz Luhrmann gets it right, many Australians who see this film will be absolutely shocked by the scale of destruction inflicted on Darwin by Japanese bombers, and surprised at how little they knew about what happened there all those years ago.

'Australia' needs to do huge business just to turn a profit, hundreds of millions of dollars around the world. It needs to be as big as Titanic was at the Australian box office, in fact it needs to knock it from the top spot, but the movie doesn't appear to have anything like the same youth appeal.

Hopefully, teen appeal won't be necessary for this movie to go epic because it's hard to imagine how a love story between two 40-somethings covered in dust and cow shit will pack in the kids and get that essential word of mouth happening that keeps youth coming back to see it at the cinema again and again, thereby driving up the box office, as they did with Titanic.

The cast for 'Australia' is absolutely spectacular, it looks fantastic, it should work. If it does indeed box office up a half billion dollars around the world, we could finally get something of an AustralianFilm Renaissance firing up. Maybe. But am I the only one who gets the giggles during some parts of that trailer?

Oh, please do not suck...

Australia Has "No Idea" How Many Of Its Soldiers Are Suffering Mental Health Problems From Serving In Iraq, Afghanistan

Better late than never :

Australian troops who have fought in the Middle East will be screened for the first time for health problems such as cancer, substance abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder, as part of an effort to boost health surveillance of soldiers returning from combat.

Of particular concern are the unknown rates of mental illness among returning troops.

Australia, unlike the US and Britain, has no idea of the extent of mental illness among its soldiers in the Middle East.

Defence, Science and Personnel Minister Warren Snowdon told The Weekend Australian that the Government was "only too aware" there had been gaps in identifying and treating the health problems of servicemen and women who had fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. More than 20,500 Australian troops have served in the Middle East since 2003. Australia currently has 1080 troops in Afghanistan.

"We know the performance has been less than satisfactory, especially in dealing with mental health issues facing our troops, so we are trying to fill that gap," Mr Snowdon said.

Last year, Defence revealed that 121 Australian troops returning from Iraq had been medically discharged from the military, many because of psychological trauma.

It is estimated that, at least, 10% of all troops who've served in Iraq will have to deal with PTSD fallout, if they're aren't already suffering its effects.

One source told me these screenings will likely involve testing for the effects of depleted uranium. Australians in Iraq were mostly kept away from the most heavily DU contaminated areas, but the toxic fallout from American missiles and tank shells can still travel on the wind, and vehicles.

Iran! Hitler! Genocide! Iran! Hitler! Genocide! Iran! Hitler! Genocide!

Murdoch Media Pumps Incredible Pro-Iran War Propaganda

When you own 70% of Australia's city newspapers, and a fat market share of online news, you can shamelessly promote the next war that will earn you another few hundred million dollars via increased readership.

Smell the classic Murdoch stench of propaganda!


From here :

An Israeli Cabinet minister involved in the operation to kidnap Nazi mastermind Adolf Eichmann says the same tactic could be used to bring Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to trial.

Rafi Eitan said Mr Ahmadinejad, who is aggressively pursuring nuclear technology and has repeatedly called for Israel to be wiped off the map, had to be brought for trial in The Hague.

"A man like Ahmadinejad who threatens genocide has to be brought for trial in The Hague," Mr Eitan said.

Asked if kidnapping was acceptable, Mr Eitan told the Associated Press: "Yes. Any way to bring him for trial in The Hague is a possibility.

"All options are open in terms of how he should be brought."

Mr Eitan, a former spy who is now a member of Israel's inner cabinet of ministers with security responsibilities, said he was expressing his own opinion.

Mr Eitan, 81, helped kidnap Eichmann from Argentina in 1960. Eichmann was tried and executed in Israel for carrying out Adolf Hitler's "final solution" to kill European Jews.

The Murdoch media fails to mention that Eitan was involved in the recruitment of at one least spy, who was jailed for stealing secrets from the United States government and military.

This trash also gets a run in The Australian, the supposed newspaper of record in these lands.

It's obvious the Murdoch media backs War On Iran over its nuclear energy programs, that only the United States and Israel ceaselessly claim are being used to create nuclear weapons.

It's nothing new. The pro-Iran war lobbyists and media regurgitators have been at this "Try DinnerJacket For Genocide" shriek since mid-2006.

Here's how Benjamin Netanyahu hysterically launched the "Iran = Genocide" media psy-op back then :

"We must cry Gevalt before the entire world. In 1938, Hitler didn't say he wanted to destroy [the Jews]; Ahmadinejad is saying clearly that this is his intention, and we aren't even shouting. At least call it a crime against humanity. We must make the world see that the issue here is a program for genocide."

The claim that the Iranian president declared he wanted to "wipe Israel off the map", thereby promising genocide against Jewish and Arab Israelis alike, has been thoroughly discredited, countless times.

It is the Pro-War crowd's version of the anti-Bush crowd's "plastic turkey".

And yet it appears in the Australian Murdoch media endlessly.

It's called propaganda, but it's also called Preparation, so if our allies Terror From The Sky bombs start killing thousands of Iranians while they're busy watching DVDs of The Sopranos and bopping along listening to Lil' Wayne on their iPods, you won't be too shocked, or surprised.

"Why are they killing Iranians?"

"Oh, I read about that in the Daily Telegraph. Iran's got nukes and want to wipe out Israel like Hitler or something."

This kind of 'journalism' is a fucking crime against humanity.

Aliens Mutilated Their Vaginas?

I'm not quite sure what thousand words the picture attached to this story is supposed to be worth. A mistake, presumably, or someone at Murdoch's Daily Telegraph has a staggering lack of compassion :

Costello Announces To No Great Surprise That He Won't Lead Liberals, Nation Yawns

Australia's most tedious, snore inducing soap opera is finally over.

Peter Costello has confirmed his almost year old decision not to go after the leadership of the Liberal Party.

He doesn't want to lead the Liberal Party, and won't, and he didn't even bother informing his Liberal allies, let alone the Opposition in general, that he was going public with this announcement and that announcement basically was "Fuck you very much."

Tony Abbott was interviewed on Lateline. He was there to talk about why Rudd should make the old age pension increases that the Howard government refused to make, when this breaking news about Costello was dropped on him.

Abbott looked stunned and infuriated. But mostly Abbott looked humiliated, and for good reason. He'd spent the past few months debasing himself as he sang Costello's praises, lionising him, legendising him at every opportunity, in the vain hope that just maybe Costello would reconsider his November, 2007, decision to not become the leader of the Liberals, and to quit Parliament completely before the next election.

Costello didn't even call Abbott to tell him to give it a rest, and to remind him that he wasn't going to bring this Save The Liberals From Utter Oblivion fantasy to life. Ever.

Abbott may be one of the creepiest human-like creatures ever elected to public office, anywhere in the world, in history, but Costello has acted like a right fuckwit through much of this, and Abbott shouldn't have been allowed to continually sing Costello's praises, and publicly beg him to take the leadership off Brendan Nelson.

Whatever Costello might have said was unlikely to have stopped media speculation about who would replace Brendan "I'm very popular on the open road" Nelson, but many of the 'leaks' and 'rumours' about Costello secretly planning to stay on and become Liberals Leader that fueled all this absurd months of newspaper front pages and acres of Opinion came from Costello's friends and media allies.

It's all been a rather nasty little business, with Nelson copping most of the fallout, but then we are talking about the Liberal Party here and they're not famous for their humanity, loyalty or compassions. Even to each other.

Now Costello will further destroy the few remaining tattered shreds of Liberals credibility with a media crusade to flog his incredibly expensive ($55!) book.

Sources familiar with the memoir believe it will reignite tensions within the Liberal Party, and could see open warfare between those loyal to Mr Howard and others who wanted him to resign before last November's election.

Mr Costello will controversially argue that he was given a "wink and a nod" on five or six occasions by either Mr Howard or his close allies on a succession plan.

Good Christ, who fucking cares anymore?

The book will earn back its advance, but not much more. There simply isn't enough meat on the bones, or blood on the pages, for the book to sell beyond 40,000 copies. Costello isn't regarded as Australia's Greatest Living Treasurer by most Australians, in fact he's widely thought of as a bit of a wanker and a softcock for not going after the leadership. This book is not expected to do anything much to change those kinds of views.

Expect to see John Howard's first post-election interview on the 7.30 Report sometime in the next two weeks, as he attempts to counter Costello's "I Created Australia's Golden Age" twaddle-waffle around the country.

Daddy Likes To Bang His Head

Yeah, I know it's been the case for years, well decades really, but it's still weird to hear AC/DC referred to as "dad's music".

Father's Day apparently shot six old AC/DC albums back inside the Top 50 :

Acca Dacca created ARIA chart history yesterday as the only act to have six records in the top 50...
Leading the chart charge was the 1975 record, TNT, which leapt into the No. 20 spot. The band's 1990 album The Razors Edge is No. 26, 1979's Highway To Hell at No. 27, 1976's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap at No. 28, 1986's Who Made Who at No. 30 and 2000's Stiff Upper Lip at No. 45.

AC/DC also claimed the 1 and 2 position on music DVD charts. AC/DC remain amongst the highest earning Australian entertainers even in years when they don't tour, or release new albums.
A new album from AC/DC arrives on October 8. I'll review it as soon as it leaks.

Still waiting to hear whether AC/DC : The Musical will become a reality any time soon.

More Rock Writing From Darryl Mason Here - Ozzy Osbourne, Jeff Buckley, Silverchair, Kyuss

Some beautiful Melbourne graffiti art, photos by nOcturbulous

Recent Election Results Show The Two Party System Controlling Australia Is Melting Down

Greens leader Bob Brown thinks the spectacular political chaos thrown up by voters' choices in three elections in the past few days proves that the Liberal-Labor, two party system is breathing its last breaths.

Well, you can only hope so. Australians are getting anarchic at the miserable, pathetic performance of local, state and federal Liberal and Labor politicians. Why else are we now so willing to give the minor parties and independents such a go?

The good news is that both Labor and the Liberals are shitting themselves at the results of byelections in the federal seats of Mayo and Lyne, and the tumultuous results of the WA state election.

Incredibly, the Liberals almost lost Alexander Downer's old seat of Mayo...to the Greens.

Australia's major political parties have been put on notice after all were given a thumping during coast-to-coast elections held over over the weekend.

Until Saturday, Labor had won the past 23 successive state and territory elections.

Yesterday the WA National Party leader, Brendon Grylls, whose party won a better than expected four seats, held talks with the Labor Premier, Alan Carpenter, about forming a minority government - but today he will hold similar talks with the Liberal leader, Colin Barnett.

Buoyed by the result in the west, where there is no coalition, the federal Nationals leader Warren Truss flagged his party walking away from the federal Coalition in a bid to survive. The massacre in Lyne wiped out any lingering joy from the Nationals' emphatic win in the Gippsland byelection two months ago.

Peter Hartcher :

Until only a year ago Australia was the Contented Country. Governments, state and federal, just kept getting re-elected, no matter how bad they were.

Now Australia is the Cranky Country. A cocky government can no longer call an election in the expectation that a nonchalant electorate will casually stamp its ticket for another term.

Since November, an election poses an existential threat to a government. Australians have snapped out of their long torpor, and they are unhappy with what they are finding.

The Howard government was the first victim, falling under the force of a 5.4per cent swing against it. In August the Northern Territory Labor Government suffered a brutal 9.8per cent swing but managed to cling to power by the tiniest majority, a single seat. Now the West Australian Labor Government has lost its majority after suffering a 6per cent swing.

In Alexander Downer's former seat of Mayo the Liberals managed to hold the seat but suffered a drubbing, a 10 per cent swing. In Mark Vaile's former seat of Lyne the Nationals lost to a strong independent.

Interestingly, in all the tat and twaddle now being spoken by senior Labor and Liberal politicians about the election results, they take aim only at each other, and have almost nothing to say about the all too obvious rise in popularity of smaller parties and independents. It's like Labor and Liberal politicians are telling themselves, "Maybe if we pretend all those independents don't exist, they will fade away and leave us alone."

Even when the truth of their fading favour with Australian voters is kicking them savagely in the face, Labor and the Liberals continue to pretend that the very core of two-party control of Australia is not suffering a catastrophic meltdown, when it so very clearly is.

New Chief Justice Inspired By Homer (Simpson, that is)

It's great to learn that Australia's new chief justice finds inspiration and quotables in The Simpsons and Sylvester Stallone movies. But why does the Stallone movie have to be the woeful Judge Dredd?

Robert French is unapologetically bringing a touch of Hollywood to the High Court of Australia. Not the gargantuan budgets - he is uncomfortable with the rising cost of justice - but the popular culture of Harry Potter, The Simpsons and even the sci-fi future justice of Judge Dredd.

In order to draw people to important issues, French, sworn in this week as Australia's 12th chief justice, uses humour in speeches and judgments, and references that might not be expected in serious legal debate.

A science-fiction devotee, the former Federal Court judge excitedly recalls a speech he gave earlier this year where he used clips from the Sylvester Stallone film Judge Dredd, set in 2139 when people live in violent mega-cities and special police called "street judges" act as judge, jury and executioner.

"I was quoting Montesquieu about separation of powers and how when you combine the functions of judge and executive, you get a tyrant. And I suggested here's a Hollywood picture of what this looks like and it's Sylvester Stallone as Judge Dredd saying 'I am the law...'"

"In fact what that film was about was some future in which you have combined executive and judicial functions. You've got policemen riding around arresting people, trying them, punishing them and then saying 'Court adjourned' and roaring off on their levitating Harley Davidson. It makes the point."

So no levitating Harleys for Australian police then.

"They're Not Just Cute, Friendly Wallabies Anymore - They're Killers"

Remember, the stories below are only some of the recent officially reported attacks on humans by vicious Australian fauna. How many attacks go unreported?

Seriously, if you were a 50 year old man taking out the rubbish at 11pm and a baby fruit bat flew into the back of your head and scrabbled at your neck with its cold little claws and made you shriek like a four year old girl who just woke up to find a spider on her face, would you go and tell the police about it? No.

The children's TV favourite, Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, clearly lulled a couple of generations into a false sense of security. The furry, the big-eyed and the awesomely cute marsupials of Australia can no longer be trusted. The Australian battleground in Nature's War On Humans ramps up.

Wallaby Goes After Child, Shapes Up To Father For Fight :

"Bones" Bailey yesterday said if he had not been there to fight off the 1m-tall wallaby on Saturday afternoon, he had no doubt his nine-year-old son Morgan would have been mauled to death.

"It’s deadset serious. Someone should get a gun and shoot the buggers," Mr Bailey said.

"They’re not just friendly, cute little wallabies any more – they’re killers."

"This big fella came out and Morgan started to run and he started chasing him, making this roaring noise," Mr Bailey said.

"Morgan was absolutely screaming his head off. I had to belt him (the wallaby) across the face twice, then he came at me – he had his claws up, shaping up like a little boxing man.

"Then my young fella (six-year-old Bodine) grabbed a stick and he finally backed off," Mr Bailey said.

He and Giffin Rd neighbour Anita Coulthard said they knew of three other children who also were attacked by wallabies in the area on separate times last year.

An Environmental Protection Agency spokesman said attacks on humans by wild wallabies or kangaroos were extremely rare...

Well yes, you would expect the EPA to say that. They have a pro-fauna agenda. This sure smells like a cover-up.

Greens leader Bob Brown is somewhere tonight, illuminated from below, laughing diabolically, clapping his hands in delight as he prays to the Green Jesus to direct the wombats and koalas to join in the anti-human bloodshed.

Meanwhile, here's a rampaging, leg-gnawing possum :

Police officers have used capsicum spray to subdue a rampant possum that had been terrorising a family in their home for hours.

"Mark always wears shorts and the possum jumped on his leg and sank in the claws and teeth. He was trying to shake it off but it was well attached."

Koalas will start dropping from trees and shredding bushwalkers any day now.

"Sorry? Did You Say You Were Attacked By A Kangaroo?"

You Are Gullible, Like America....Just Before 9/11

A little terrorising on terrorism, from a self-confessed terrrorist, who now makes a living as a terrorism expert :

He warned a 700-strong audience in Melbourne last week that Australia is woefully under-prepared for a terrorist attack.

"I'm in the loop, I'm seeing a lot of information, and I can tell you that Australia was always far away, the dark side of the moon," he later tells the Herald.

We spend hundreds of millions of dollars "preparing" for terrorist attacks where we, until only recently, once spent a few dozen million, if not much less.

"You were isolated, you were in a bubble, and you were secure. That bubble has burst."

Why do self-claimed terrorism experts so often sound like terrorists themselves as they ramp up their warnings?

"Australia today is exactly where America was before 9/11 - gullible, believing you are secure because you are an island."

So who is this prophet of bombageddon?

Juval Aviv has an incredible claim to fame. He led a deadly team of five assassins set loose to avenge the 1972 massacre of 11 Israeli Olympic athletes.

Aviv says he was a bodyguard and anti-terrorism adviser to Israel's so-called "Iron Lady", Golda Meir, prime minister from 1969-74, and a major in Israeli army intelligence when Meir unleashed the secret revenge mission.

Well, maybe. Mossad says Aviv is full of crap, and he was never anything more than a security guard.

Ahh, says Aviv, that's all part of the "official secrecy" and the need for "deniability."

None of that matters much, apparently, because...

This much is clear: Aviv is a fascinating storyteller with strong views on the present day terrorist threat.

Aviv says Australia's troop deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan make the country a bigger terrorist target, lifting it to rank alongside the United States, Israel and Britain.

...he also fears official complacency has compounded the threat.

"You have done a lot, but you are light years away in Australia from really being ready for an attack," he says.

"A lot of people really don't believe it is going to happen."

He's here to help Australians re-align their reality to include a more vivid fear of terror exploding its way into their lives. Tough battle, we're all far too obsessed with fearing climate change right now.

Aviv on the assassinations of the suspected Munich terrorists, which included exploding bombs that killed and injured civilians :

"We found those 11 terrorists, and one by one, we bought them to justice - which we only know how to do in Israel, as I always say."

When pressed, he admits this refers to executions.

Justice = Execution.

Aviv has also made similar startling claims of mass terrorism that will lay waste to cities, this time in the United States, in his regular appearances on Fox News. An example :



Suicide bombers running, or driving, into American casinos and theme parks and malls. Aviv made these It Could Happen predictions back in 2005.

Aviv sure sounds like someone who's selling something. What's he selling?

Fear of Terrorism.

It's a unique, cash spouting spin-off from the War On Terror.

A war to stop terrorism creates more terrorism, actually increases the likelihood of terrorism, and this in turn gives rise to a multi-billion dollar new industry that "prepares" businesses and governments far away from the warzones to deal with the terrorism that may (or maybe not, whatever, it doesn't matter) perhaps result from the war to stop it.

It's brilliant, really.

Australians Fear Terrorism Less Now They're Not Being Bombarded By Ads Telling Them To Fear Terrorism

"Sorry? Did You Say You Were Attacked By A Kangaroo?"

As soon as they put up the new signs warning "Beware Unprovoked Attacks By Kangaroos", they will be stolen.

A jogger is in a stable condition in a Melbourne hospital after he was attacked by a kangaroo on the city's north-western fringe.

The man was treated at the scene for a large gash on his head and smaller scratches on his arms, hands and chest and was taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital in a stable condition.

I was convinced, for years, as a kid that I'd seen a late night movie about millions of kangaroos massing near Orange and then raging through the Blue Mountains and attacking the suburbs of Sydney. They were like a plague, unstoppable, extremely violent.

People were running from their homes and gunning down waves of marauding kangaroos, but they kept on coming. There was one fantastic scene where the kangaroos cross the Harbour Bridge, leaping from car roof to car roof. They crashed through windscreens and anyone who dared to leap from their car and run for it was pummelled to death.

I experienced years of bewildered looks from friends, and movie industry professionals, in my hunt to find this movie. It doesn't exist. The only explanation is that it was a movie dream I had while napping through an episode of Skippy, after too much straight green cordial syrup on ice-cream.

An extraordinary sequence of photos, here, details an unwelcome intrusion into the usually mellow, leaf munching, 20 hour napping, day of a koala bear, in South Australia's Happy Valley.

You Will Believe That A Koala Bear Can Fly...





Go Here For The Whole Thing

Ozzy Blizzarded

Between 1987 and 1996, I wrote about a thousand stories, reviews, columns for Australian newspapers and the music press and a bunch of magazines. Most of the stories and interviews were about hard rock and heavy metal, my main addiction.

I recently found a file of the original versions of a few dozen of these stories, hard copies I thought were long lost. The original, first drafts were far longer, more detailed, and more alive, than a double page spread in the West Australian or On The Street could hold. Comparing the originals to the published versions, I've discovered I approached the original writing with far more energy and enthusiasm than I did the editing, where I'd have to lose half or more of a story to fit the word count required for the Herald Sun, or Metal Masters magazine.

No blogs back then to run the long versions on, not like now.

So here's the first of probably a few dozen old pieces I'm going to put up in the next few months. Nostalgia and a need to archive drives me to transcribe these stories from the typewrittered originals, lest they be lost.

This is Ozzy Osbourne, September, 1991 :

Ozzy sighs when he reveals he doesn’t remember anything much about the 16 straight hours Black Sabbath spent in a studio, when Ozzy was only 21, laying down a whole album of songs, live, most songs finished in one take. He also doesn't remember what is now seen by Sabbath addicts as the magical hour when the band needed an extra song to fill out the second album, and came up with Paranoid right there in the studio. Much of it was improvised, the immediately classic riffs and lyrics pulled from a river of beer and dope.

“The funny thing about Black Sabbath being a part of history,” Ozzy says, “is we never knew what the fuck we were about. I never, ever thought we were very good, to be honest."

Sacrilege!

"I mean Iron Man and Paranoid were good riffs, but we weren’t a great band. We were always fucked up on drugs and booze. The whole thing is actually a hit of a haze to me….

"Anything bad that happened we never took seriously because we just went off to the pub and got pissed again….”

Another big sigh, a shrug. “We missed out on a lot of reality.”

------------------------------

But Ozzy doesn’t want you to get him wrong on his opposition to alcohol and drugs.

It’s for a reason related more to his work, the upcoming world tour, than to a looming tower of regrets for having had so many good times when he was younger.

He doesn’t want to be a role model for anybody.

“Do whatever the fuck you like.”

Ozzy considers this statement for a moment.

“Do what you wanna do as long as you’re enjoying it. If it becomes a problem, then go and get some fuckin’ help. There’s a ton of help.”

Ozzy raises a hand to scratch his face. He misses. He fingers tremble.

“This is where I kinda get pissed off in the respect that just because I was an alcoholic drug addict and I cleaned up my act…” Ozzy is starting to shout now, it’s good, “what gives me the right to tell you not to do it? You are you and I am me. If I worked in a steel mill, and I went up the foreman and told him he shouldn’t drink, he’d tell me to go and fuck myself.

“I’m not a politician. People have always drunk and people will always drink, and people will always die of liver disease due to alcohol, or kill themselves in a car wreck or murder somebody, you ain’t gonna stop it…”

Go Here To Read The Full Story

How Long Has This Dead Pilot Been Hanging In A Tree?



The moss covered skeletonn may be an Australian, American or Japanese pilot, one of the many lost in the jungles of Papua New Guinea during World War 2.

If true, then he has been suspended in the tree, still locked into his seat, for more than six decades. Another lost body found from that appalling war.

Sometime in the new year, the body will likely be identified, and surviving relatives will be contacted. Someone who has lived most of a lifetime wondering what happened to this man may soon find out the truth.

Hikers say they discovered the skeleton hanging from the jungle canopy halfway along the 96-kilometre historic World War II path (the Kokoda Track).

Guide David Collins from Melbourne's No-Roads trekking company was there.

"It's swinging like somebody caught in a tree and that's when you can really see the cabling and it's the exact shape of a body, same size, everything, but it's just covered in moss," he said.

"It's exactly what it looks like, just somebody caught in a harness, in a seat harness."

He said the the tree with the skeleton had been marked with plastic to help furture investigators find it again.

The remoteness of the site and the difficulties involving in locating and working with anything in the thick jungle canopy mean that it could be months before any identification of the skeleton is made.

Rudd : I Have A Narrative

12.30pm : The prime minister speaks. He has a story to tell. A story of Australia, that is the Australia to come. The Australia he wants to make into a reality.

Kevin Rudd has finally found The Narrative. Or so we are told. He's going to speak for almost an hour. It's going to be hard to stay focused. There is carpet that needs to be Dysoned.

I will be breaking for coffee, and water.

12.32 : Why does the little bell to summon journalists attention at the National Press Club look like an oil derrick.

something about a baby...his suit...Hawaii?...Julia Gillard is going to wear a stupid shirt?..."it should be shared around"....his desk...dive shop as HQ..."don't fear, journalists"...."nowhere to run, nowhere to hide here in Canberra, Lachlan Harris knows where you hide"....wow. chilling...

Rudd winds up his stand-up routine. It's a grisly death. Stand-up comedians know this feeling, when jokes commit suicide as they leap from the lips. The tomb silence, the nervous laughter. Rudd is utterly unfazed.

And, oh shit, here comes The Policy....Incredible, I've lost track and all interest in only four seconds.

12.36 : The world economy has gone to shit, blame America for their insatiable lust for consumer shit and Brady Bunch scale housing for small families...negative quarters of economic growth...."economic challenges"..."decade of policy neglect"...Ow, take that former Howard government. You've been sassed.

"maximum downward pressure on inflation...A Rudd riff - "(The Howard government left behind) the second highest interest rates in the developed world..." "10 interest rate rises in a row"...."highest inflation in sixteen years...." The chorus is Blame Howard. Oh yes, we are going to hear these stats A LOT.

"assaulting the surplus"...Like it, very catchy.

12.40 : "No More Blame Game"....now let's blame the Liberals! "Liberal squandered mining boom on consumption"..."a tradition that recognises limitations of both market and government", he's talking about Labor..."challenges"..."fairer Australia"....challenges...21st century challenges...climate change. Challenges."

Global power, investment, innovation, wealth shifts to Asia region. "Energy security"...Thats why we're enhancing our ADF...threats - water security, FOOD SECURITY, more climate changery...."Armed forces need the resources they need.." ???....We don't hate America, yet, but we want to Love Up Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Japan...Future shaping, don't leave it up to events for the shaping of futures, we must pre-emptively future shape, now....

Mining will still pay our bills, for decades to come. Thank Christ....now lots of figures on growth...

there is a bird in a tree outside staring at me

"Education Revolution!"....funds...".nation building infrastructure plan..." "increasing demand"...."struggling for training, work, dental, access to housing...." "family breakdown"...."weakening of community ties"..."social inclusion."

A neighbour is playing what sounds like an old KC & The Sunshine Band song. I fight the urge to go searching for lyrics to old KC & Sunshine Band lyrics.

"challenges"...."new way of governing"...."take Australians with us"....where?

Screw this, I'm breaking for coffee....

12.51 : Lots of good news on education. "arbitrary public league table"...."three central pillars of reform in schools"....great news, reform and more money for education. Make it happen...

Horrific revelation, Rudd is almost impossible to satirise. Unless you love Dilbert comics, and thought The Office didn't spend enough time making jokes about paperwork and filing.

12.55 : The room of journos and Labor front benchers look like they're sitting in a board room meeting. A very, very boring board room meeting. A numbing torrent of important numbers, stats, detail and promises wash over them, but all delivered with the enthusiasm and intensity of unbuttered toast.

"Greater Transparency"

"We should not tolerate underperformance." That doesn't sound good. School merging. "Tough action is necessary if we are to achieve real change." "Tackle Underachievement."

So schools must tackle underachievement while not tolerating underperformance.

Deploying resources.

This carpet is filthy.

Did I miss The Narrative part?

I must have. "This is serious business we are talking about today."

I will not tolerate underachievement in my underperformance.

RuddSpeak could be turned into a self-help manual. But you would need to read a motivational book first to get motivated enough to read it.

"Challenges"

Suddenly, he's finished.

"I thank you."

The cream of Australia's parliamentary media now get to ask questions. This will be exciting. Rudd's going to get hammered. What about your promises to keep fuel and grocery prices low? What about rising poverty? How many jobs will you be willing to sacrifice to fight climate change?

First question....Education, league tables, feet voting.

Rudd makes no apology for that, that being the last point. Whatever it was.

"agreed standards." "Question to the part of the question." "Arbitrary national league."

"socio-economic profile."

"argy bargy."

Commonwealth landing.

Another Question. Tax, consumers, Woodside....gas impact...blame Nelson? Your choice.

Rudd is Captain Obvious : "No one likes getting a tax when they haven't had one before."

This is nowhere near as much fun as I thought it would be. Making Rudd funny is fucking hard work. Brendan Nelson and Alexander Downer wrote their own material, reams of it, every day. You barely had to search to find the Gold. With Rudd, you're waving a hand-held metal detector over a thousand acre field, searching for a bottlecap.

Another Question. Journo wants to know how, day to day, people are better off now then they were before Rudd took over. A decent question, but Rudd begins to answer so quickly he seems to have rehearsed it all in his sleep.

"Pathways to the future".

"Bread and butter concerns" "Bread and butter responses"

Broaden your RuddSpeak. Even the "sourdough and olive spread" crowd are concerned.

"shirking from argy bargy."

"if some people walk with their feet, that is exactly what the system is supposed to do."

I don't think Rudd even knows what that means.

More tackling of various things educational.

Another Question. Mark Riley has a dig about how much Rudd will have to spend on the Education Revolution, which appears to have become vastly more ambitious during the course of the Press Club address. "How much will it cost?"

Rudd's answer : unions, provisions for funding over forward estimates...

The bird is back in the tree. It's watching me again as it eats a bug.

Apparently, there will be no more handing over of blank cheques on education. "Conditional negotiations on quality education benchmarks." I smartly hid all the sharp knives before subjecting myself to this.

Rudd speaks in word chunks. "Into. Bigtime. Literally."

He's been reading. Too. Many. Blogs. Clearly.

1.14 : Another question. Is FuelWatch doomed? Christ, the fucking tedium.

I could finish this carpet before Rudd finishes his answer.

"lower tax to GDP ratio...." Rudd's relentless answer is attacked by a few "uhhhs" which appear to cause him mild surprise, or shock, but only for half a second. He quickly recovers. "A necessary fiscal discipline."

A grinding tsunami of numbers, cliches, statistics, action words, Rudd speak, the evolution of human language has hit a roadblock.

Another Question. Mathew Franklin from The Australian ups and looks ready to rip Rudd. "I like a bit of argy bargy, as well," Franklin says with a smug sneer. Rudd says, "I know. I've read your work." A subtle tightening of Franklin's face. Rudd managed to get a real laugh off him, from the other journos. Franklin mutters to his friend that Rudd is a "wiseguy". This will be a good question, please. Anything but education...

The question is on education. "...backing down to demands from the states...." The Fool. He gave Rudd the chance to ramble on about productivity, state vs commonwealth, additional payments, "structure of national policy politics" and how "we can't shirk this agenda anymore" or take the "heads in the sand" approach. A hopeless question.

1.21 : Michelle Gratten asks a question. Or three. "Is there a case still for making the fall in tarrifs recommended by the Bracks report?"

Here we go. "Slowing in growth across the economy"....

What a wasted effort this was. I should have known better than to think Rudd would supply anything even close to Comedy Gold. There is nothing, nothing...

Rudd's monotone voice drifts into background fog. My brain is so bored by what it's now hearing it allows me to listen through Rudd to the sounds of trees growing outside. There is mercy only in that it will finish soon...

And then,

"I'm A Free Trader. Always Have Been, Always Will Be."

Rudd just outed himself as a Free Trader. It sounds far more exciting than it actually is, but it is one of the few moments in the whole hour when Rudd seems genuinely excited. Just for a moment, and then its back to business as usual.

"stretch budgets further"...."engineered tariffs"...."innovative directions which are consistent with the nation's other priorities." "drive the family budget further."

1.24 - Another question. More education, state vs commonwealth. "What do you say to parents that might be alarmed" should schools close?

Rudd is ready...."agreements on the ground"..."outline clearly the criteria which may lead in that direction"..."if you're a bunch of mums and dads, and you see through the transparency measures I mentioned before...." "practical hard disciplines"..."for the sake of the kids"

1.26 : Another question. More fucking education. What is wrong with these people? They have no other questions, about anything? Even Rudd looks bored now. He hits play, and he talks, his voice drops and rises only slightly, like an empty boat on a mostly calm sea, back and forth, back and forth. Al Qaeda will soon learn this technique of speaking that Rudd has already mastered, so when they are captured by the Americans and renditioned, they can casually bore the interrogators into releasing them, within days.

"...transparency reporting arrangements"...."non-compliance with the basis of the agreement"...."We're not going to take a backward step."

1.28 : "Consultation...consultation...consultation...." Rudd actually said that word three times in a row. Is this his personal mantra? The one word he chants during meditation, instead of 'Ohm'?

"...Quantitative Investment"...."Qualitative Disciplines"....

"Human Capital"

"....prosecute this with full vigour, knowing full well there's going to be blowback on the way through..."

The ABC mercifully cuts the live feed.

So what was The Narrative? The mildly anticipated Rudd story of Australia's future that will carry us through this new century and see the nation rise only higher, to only greater achievements?

Rudd wants Australia to have the most skilled, best educated workforce in the world. That's the golden ticket for surviving, and rising, in the New Asian Century.

Education. Process. Procedure. Review. Reform.

And that's about it. Throw in some stuff about climate change, rebuilding infrastructure and using the Army to save drowning multitudes if climate change gets apocalyptical and it's done.

Review, Reform.

Perhaps this is why Rudd manages to poll so highly, routinely, in 'better PM' ratings. He seems to be nothing but a tediously dedicated public servant, thrust into the highest office in the land.

Australians mostly don't want to know every detail of what Rudd is doing, they just want him to do what they want all politicians to do. Shut up, do the job, get the job done, and deliver the bad news when necessary.

Pundits have repeatedly made idiots of themselves predicting when the 'Rudd Honeymoon' will end. They've been at that one for almost two years now. Rudd's popularity simply must fall soon, indeed plunge, but they don't.

Outside of the daily need for stories to fill newspaper pages, news websites and the evening news, Rudd hasn't had any real complete disasters. Not on the scale of stuffing up the delivery home of an Australian soldier killed in Iraq, for example. Or lying to the Australian people about not having committed soldiers to fighting in Iraq, when the truth had been known for months. Or locking up legitimate refugee children in desert camps until they're desperate enough to smash their heads against concrete walls.

And as for the 'control freak' tag, that has been exposed as guff by Rudd himself, having left the government in the hands of Julia Gillard for some 20% of his time in office.

Australians like their prime ministers to be boring, so they can ignore them. They like them to at least sound like they have everything under control. But they also don't expect miracles, and can be patient when they know changes are underway.

Review. Reform.

The Rudd Narrative remains unclear. So let's try constructing one from the above :

"I'm a Free Trader. I like a bit of argy bargy. We must make a Quantitative Investment in Human Capital through Qualiative Disciplines. Consultation. Consultation. Consultation. Review. Reform. Argy bargy."

Why are you still reading this?

A Look Back At APEC : The "Violent Riots" That Didn't Happen



Something was going to happen during the APEC conference in Sydney, one year ago next week. The police were convinced that protests were going to turn into bloodbaths of frenzied rioting and looting, they said as much in press conferences during a month of increasingly crazed claims, leading up to APEC, of what they insisted was absolutely going to happen.

But nothing much happened at all. There was violence. But it came from the police.

There was a lot of police, and not much for them to do, besides stand in long lines and tell old people they couldn't cross a city street and would have to walk all the way across Hyde Park to get to where they wanted to be, which was right there, on the other side of the street.

There was a ski-masked collection of supposed 'National Anarchists', who didn't seem to grasp the inherent contradiction in their very name. The media grew impatient waiting for them to senselessly kick in the windows of the closest fast food or coffee franchise, but a motley crew of anti-Bush protesters boxed them in, while grisled old communists mocked them mercilessly. I'll come back to all that later in the week, and do some retro on the stories of that month.

But for now, to celebrate the one year anniversary of the $300 million APEC : This Is What Your City Would Look Like If You Were Living In A Police State, some ultra-security porn :























The nozzles they are holding are for chemical weapons

All images by Darryl Mason

Flashback : Police On Use Of Brutal Tactics During APEC : "That's The Way We Do Business Now."

Police Declared Anti-Bush Marches Would Be "Full Scale Riots", Four Days Before They Were Held

Dear Jerkoff,

A reader (via e-mail) did not enjoy, nor appreciate, recent orphaned baby whale coverage on this blog.

Dear Jerkoff,

I read yor dribble about Colin the whale and its obvious you are a heartless piece of shit.

The good thing is that there are probably very little people who read your crap - evidence by nil or very few comments to your shithouse stories. I just happened to stumble on it by accident and will never visit it again. The name of your stupid site is also dumb.

Its probably because there are so many arseholes in the world like you that, that the caring and compassionate people are more concerned with a starving baby whale, rather than people (who are complete strangers) who have died in plane crash etc and why the story of Colin the whale has taken precedent over other news stories.

Every day we hear all the other stories about human suffering and plight but it is extremely rare that a baby whale seperated from its mother is on our door step.

Once again the arsehole powers that be did nothing and took the easy option of killing the baby whale while they even botched that.

The stories that inspired this reader to write such an awesome tirade :

Orphaned, Dying Baby Whale To 11 Metre Yacht : "Will You Be My Mummy Now?"

Kill The Orphaned Baby Whale, Do It Now

2028 : Once Beloved 'Baby Whale' That Never Went Home Now Regarded By Most Sydney Beach Goers As "Monster Nuisance"

They Killed Colin

I did care. That's why I didn't want to see Colin, who turned out to be Collette, endure a days longer, far more painful, lingering death from starvation.

It seemed obvious from the beginning that we could not save this creature.

But it was a fascinating and rare event. And perhaps a test.

A massive, yet still infant, giant of the ocean arrives on the doorstep of a major world city, completely helpless.

We can throw robots at distant planets, but can we save the baby whale?

In four days, we couldn't come up with a solution. The scale of saving, and thereby, adopting a baby whale for the first year of its life was beyond us.

Thousands of litres a week of specially developed baby whale formula. A pool the size of a small town for the whale to swim in, for its first year or more. Collette would then have been more than 10 metres long and porking out at more than 25,000 kilos. And then there's the krill.

Most of the surface of our planet lies deep beneath the oceans and seas. We have barely even begun to explore this part, the larger part, of our world.

A humpback whale, like Collette, can swim halfway around the globe, every year, and can dive deeper than we can climb. Male humpbacks sing seduction songs double the length of Guns N' Roses ballads. They can live off their fat all winter, freeing up time to hang around whale watching boats, or roaming off our beaches and coastlines, making us love them even more.

Making us want to save them even more.

They can catch their food by blowing bubbles for fuck's sake. It's obvious who the better adapted species is.

But the humpback whale was almost wiped out existence, through hunting, in the middle of the 2oth century. The invention of the explosive harpoon made escaping with a few spears in the back impossible.

There's an estimated 80,000 humpback whales cruising oceans today.

We have a remarkable and rare love for whales, and ancient legends and art show that we have viewed them with awe for tens of thousands of years.

When the killfest ended, we had speared and harpooned, and then explosively harpooned, an estimated 250,000 (but likely far more) humpback whales. A worldwide ban became reality in the mid-1960s.

The whales are, however, making a comeback.

We now treat humpback whales with the kind of respect and care and public devotion we usually only reserve for other humans, or at least pampered-beyond-reason cats.

Migaloo is a white humpback whale, who famously roams the east coast of Australia most years. Migalooo has been granted a 500 metre exclusion zone when he swims by. Humans are not allowed, by law, to come within half a kilometre of this massive creature.

Now that is presidential treatment.

The followers of Green Jesus teachings, in this age of enviro-biblical apocalyptic imagery, will see the arrival of that baby whale as a sign, a test, a challenge, one that we failed because we couldn't save this little desperate miracle of nature.

But nature is cruel. Have you ever seen a huge black crow peck and then eat the eye of a shrieking lamb? This is behaviour we have deemed, morally, to be cruel.

For an abandoned animal to die a cruel death is natural. Parents walk, or swim away, the infant dies from hunger, exposure, or perhaps heartbreak.

We hate this, it kills us.

Of all the hours of the magnificent, majestic 'Planet Earth' series by David Attenborrough, it is the few minutes of a lost baby elephant running the wrong way in search of its mother, as dusty winds consume it, that haunts most who've seen it.

The passionate desire of so many people to want to save Colin (Collette, or 'Humpy', my choice) came from being human. Beyond nature.

To intervene, to want to save the helpless of another species, an entire species in fact, is something uniquely human. It is at the core of our species.

That the baby whale died was no epic failure on our part.

If it was a test, as the Green Jesus may one day claim, we passed because did not let it starve to death. We did not let nature take its course. We intervened, and ended it.

Nelson's New Strategy : Silence

Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson is still polling like Ivan Milat, despite the Rudd government providing a heaving banquet of opportunities (FuelWatch, GroceryWatch, Rudd's World Tour : Redux, the Carbon Tax) for him to publicly shred PM Rudd (or at least Treasurer Wayne Swan) and to mock the government's first eight months in office.

But almost every time Brendan Nelson opens his mouth and begins speaking to the media, he ends up saying something that further instills the irresistable desire in almost every Australia to hit the mute button, or to throw the radio out the window, or to crash the car because you haven't mastered the steering wheel volume controls yet and you'd rather take your chances sailing through a guard rail into a mist-filled valley than listen to Nelson talk about old people he's met who are so poor they can't afford hot water for their tea, thanks to Kevin Rudd, and have been reduced to sucking tea bags left to heat for a while in the sun.

So Brendan Nelson, according to news reports, has decided to adopt a new, highly experimental and rather thrilling strategy to win back public support and hold onto the job that Malcolm Turnbull and Peter Costello don't yet want :



We should all wish him the best of luck.

What awesomely surreal press conferences this could lead to.

Nelson steps forward, smiles and says nothing. The silent seconds tick by. A journalist jumps in, fires off her question, but Nelson doesn't reply. He just stands there. smiling. More questions come, still nothing from Nelson. The journalists confusion quickly turns to hostility as they realise Nelson is doing something they don't understand. It's too innovative. The questions and demands for him to say something, anything, only grow in number and volume the more Nelson says nothing.

When the journalists are exhausted, defeated, Nelson turns and walks away. Still smiling.

Suddenly Australia wants to know what this bizarre little man has to say for himself.

"What is he up to?" "Why won't he speak?" "What will he say when he does finally talk to us again?" "He still shits me, but I'm curious now he's clammed up, who is the man behind that smug grin?"

This could work for Nelson. Hell, why not? Nothing else has.

They Killed Colin

Orphaned Starving Baby Whale Media Freak Show Finally Ends


The abandoned, starving baby whale that won the hearts of many mildly interested Sydneysiders as it starved to death in Sydney Harbour has finally been killed.

But not before the NSW premier used the festive occasion to make a complete spectacle of himself :

NSW Iemma today agreed the outlook for the 4.5m humpback was "bleak".

"Our hearts are breaking with what's happening with baby Colin...."

It's a baby whale. Has the NSW premier spent a Friday night in a Sydney casualty unit lately? Human hearts breaking, everywhere.

"It's looking bleak, but every effort is being made."

It's a baby whale.

He said zoo and veterinary scientists were working to save Colin, while federal Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon had offered to mobilise defence force assets if required.

The sharks are already taking test bites out of Colin.

"The key here is, he's weakening, he's losing (the) strength to get him fed and (to) a pod that will care for him," Mr Iemma said.

For fuck's sake, Iemma, Man Up. You're the fucking premier of the state. And Colin is doomed.

"The chances are not good."

If the NSW premier uses the merciful killing of Colin to weep inconsolably in public, he must be replaced immediately.


Colin, the baby whale, has been given a far more merciful and humane death than the lingering, humiliating deaths hundreds of elderly Australians will be forced to endure this year. Some will starve to death for days longer than Colin did. Real people, not baby whales.

It was good to see that Channel 7 in particular had its news priorities right.

The countdown to Colin's dope-laden death led the evening news tonight. And rightly so.

The achingly pathetic plight of poor Colin was followed many minutes later by some fuss about a monstrous plane crash in somewhere called Spain that only saw about 150 people burned to death in a fire tornado of aviation fuel.

The sharks are still nibbling away at Colin. We're told this during a Colin update, halfway through the evening news. Some children in a nearby apartment block can be heard crying.

Counselling for children distressed by Colin's passing may need to be sought, and counselling too, perhaps, for the slightly older children who are still trying to understand how a slowly dying animal, and the distressed locals who want it to suffer more while scientists rush to perfect a comically large fake whale tit to feed him, can be deemed more newsworthy than one of the worst plane crashes of the year.


"Mummy, why did those nasty meany mean National Parks & Wildlife people kill baby Colin?"
"Well, sometimes animals, even little baby whales, get sick, and sometimes we can't look after
those animals, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes sick animals die, darling. And sometimes when animals are very sick, sick like Colin the baby whale was, we have to help them to go to sleep so they don't suffer in pain any more. Do you understand?"
"Yes. Like Blacky. My fat dog. He got sick, didn't he? He had to go to sleep because he was sick..."
"Yes..um...like Blacky..."
"Colin looked sick. And he was hungry too. Blacky ate that whole bowl of food real fast, remember that mummy? Just before Blacky got sick that day when I was at school and you had him put to sleep? Remember that, mummy? Two days before we moved to this new house?"
"...Yes..."
"Will Colin's ghost haunt Sydney Harbour?"
"I don't....We can get a new dog, you know. A small one this time."
"Yeah. I'm gonna call it Colin!"
"We can think of something better, later."

Kill The Orphaned Baby Whale, Do It Now

2028 : Once Beloved 'Baby Whale' Now Despised By Sydney Beach Dwellers As Monster Nuisance



More Soul Crushing Images Of A Starving Baby Whale Here

Time is running out for the orphaned baby whale that adopted a yacht as its replacement mother, and has now been mercilessly named 'Colin' by Sydney tabloid media.

If 'Colin' the infant humpback whale doesn't find a new whale pod to look after him soon, and soon will soon mean just a matter of hours, Sydney will give the world the media spectacle of a impossibly cute baby whale starving to death in the world's most beautiful harbour. While some of the best minds in the country are devoted to building from scratch a comically large fake whale tit.

'Colin' could soon be beaching himself at Bondi, not the worse place in the world to die, but not good news for the tourist economy. "Oh God, Bondi? Isn't that where they let them little baby whale starve to death?"

There's little time left. It must be done, and done soon. Forget the big fake whale tit, finish Colin off now. Don't let that bitch goddess Nature send some sharks to tear the poor little fucker to bits, still alive, whistling and clicking hopelessly for help.

It's time to Man Up. The baby whale must be killed.

Today.

Before it suffers anymore.

Recent 'Colin' news here and some 'Sharks Want To Eat Colin' news here and the beginnings of an International Save Colin From A Natural Death Coalition rumbles here.

UPDATE : Can the Australian Defence Force save the dying baby whale? The basic idea is to float the baby whale on a huge inflatable bladder out to open sea in the vague hope that a passing pod of whales will adopt him, and more importantly that he will find a feed. Absurd.

Colin hasn't had a decent feed, it appears, since Friday, or earlier. Letting this thing starve to death when he could be put out of his misery is cruel. Even a jackal wouldn't let an animal die in front of it for four or five days. Why aren't dedicated animal rights lovers campaigning to end this?

Kill Colin. Kill him now.

BTW. The big fake whale tit appears to be a non-starter. Nobody seems to know exactly how to mix up a blend of infant humpack whale formula.

UPDATE : Good Christ, Piers Akerman agrees with me. I've changed my mind. Save Colin! Save Colin!


UPDATE : By using the new WayForward internet archive, we have managed to pull a story relating to 'Humpy' that is circulating online, and through iBrain, in August, 2028 :

The 20th anniversary of the arrival in Sydney Harbour of Humpy, the 'miracle baby whale', fell last weekend, but there were few celebrations.

Humpy's days as an iconic Sydney tourist attraction are long gone. His twice yearly visits, when he prowls the harbour for months at a time, disrupting ferries and shipping, and regularly beaching himself at Bondi, Manly and Cronulla if the feeding teams don't show up.

"We should go back to calling him 'Colin' again," said one resident of North Bondi, "because that's what he's become. The old mate who keeps hanging around and doesn't know when to go home."

Residents along Sydney's rapidly shrinking beach fronts hope each year it will not be their locale where the massive whale decides to make his temporary home. Humpy's whale songs, once so beloved by coastal dwellers, are now deemed to be such a late night interruption that some claim property prices have fallen noticeably, all thanks to Humpy.

"I hated whale songs when I was married to a Silence Therapist," said Manly resident, "I loathe that noise now like burning feet. We had him off the beach, and on the beach, for three years in a row. It was like, 'Oh great, he's back. Again. When's he going to fuck off somewhere else with all that stupid beeping and whistling and clacking all night long."

"It's like having a noisy neighbour who won't turn the music down," said Bondi resident Juno Flowglass. "Well, how in fuck do you tell a fully grown whale swimming ten metres off your balcony to turn the music down at 4am?"

Humpy was an abandoned baby whale, a few months old, who swam into Sydney Harbour back in 2008, and infamously adopted a yacht as its replacement mother.

Humpy was starving to death, and was saved from the brutal hatred of The Nature by human intervention.

The baby whale was nursed back from utter nothingness, around the clock, by a teams of volunteers, who chugged formula into him. The baby whale vigils, the compact car sized feeding nipple, the strange week when human wet nurses floated in Sydney Harbour offering full breasts to the humpback (who was then known as 'Colin') quickly, became big international news, and 'Colin's' fame reached every corner of Planet One World, One Dream.

The George Miller movie, 'We Must Kill That Baby Whale', starring Russell Crowe as the spear fisherman who wants to kill the starving whale, for what he claims are humanitarian reasons (while secretly harbouring an insatiable lust for fresh baby whale meat) and Nicole Kidman as the scientist who invents and builds, in a tense 24 hours, the world's largest fake whale tit, went on to gross more than $1 billion, winning seven Oscars in 2010.

That year, Colin's fame was at its peak, and the humpback whale was granted official status by environment minister Peter Garrett as "a National Icon of International Recognition For Purposes Of Heritage And The Protection Of Ocean Dwellers Both Large And Small, Forever."

The Australian Tourism Industry lobbied, successfully, for 'Colin's' name to be changed, however, and a public vote offered up 'Humpy' as the most popular new name. The tourism industry caused a brief flap in the media after an official stated, "You can't market anything called 'Colin.' That's mission impossible."

But after 18 non-stop months of around the clock caring and feeding of 'Humpy', whale experts declared the rapidly growing whale was healthy, and more than fit enough to go and find his own food.

"Humpy's just being a lazy little shit," said a Friends Of Humpy member in early 2010. "He's not starving. We clean out the fucking fish markets for him three times a week. He's a whale. Hasn't he got somewhere else to be? Secretly, most of us are wishing he'd just piss off. We've got other stuff to save."

Today, Humpy remains an officially listed National Icon, but his popularity plummets with every return visit.

"We should have killed it when it was a still just a little bastard," said a Cronulla resident.

"Humpy beaches himself because he thinks it's fun. I'm totally convinced this is what he's up to. He's laughing at us, running around trying to dig him out, pouring water over him for two days, stuffing all that fish and squid in his mouth, and he just lays there. He doesn't even try to get back in the water. He's loving the attention."

Back in 2008, crowds gathered on Sydney beaches to hold up signs demanding someone 'Save Colin! Now', but each time he returns to the place where his life was once saved, the now openly despised whale would be more likely to see signs shouting 'Go Away, Humpy, And Don't Come Back!'