Mother Nature's War On Humans continues. Two cyclones now look to be threatening the Northern Territory. No emergency warnings issued for Darwin as of 1opm tonight, but schools and many businesses will be closed tomorrow, just in case.



Latest warnings from the Bureau of Meteorology can be found here.

Wombats Listed By Australian Zoos As Only Slightly Less Dangerous Than Lions And Bears

Oh yeah, they're cute, they look cuddly, but given the chance to do so, adult wombats will seriously fuck you up :

A wombat will hoist an intrusive dingo on its back and crush it against the roof of its burrow.

It can skittle a fully grown man as if a 120-litre barrel had bowled him over.

Bruce Kringle fought off a wombat for 20 minutes, suffering numerous bites, before a neighbour killed it with a blow from an axe.

"I Thought I Was A Goner"

Man Vs Wombat

Nature's brutal War On Humans continues :

A man is recovering in hospital after he was mauled by a wombat at Flowerdale, north-east of Melbourne.

Paramedics say the 60-year-old was attacked by the animal as he stepped out of a caravan early this morning. He was bitten on the arms and legs...

The ABC, of course, joins in with a no doubt pro-nature Lefty infiltrated government department to play down the savagery of this animal insurgency :

Jeff McClure from the Department of Sustainability and Environment (DSE) says it is highly unusual for a wombat to attack a person.

Yeah, sure. What is unusual is that yet another unprovoked attack by native fauna has broken through the standard media smokescreen.

"Wombats that are in an advance stage of mange will become very agitated from the suffering and the irritation of the mange," (Mr McClure) said.

He said if they are approached or feel threatened wombats will rush towards someone.

"But it's not known that they will push the attack to where they would physically attack someone."

Stop the lies, Jeff. Tell the truth. The wombats, like the kangaroos, koalas and ring-tailed possums are out to get us. They want to kill us and eat us and suck the marrow from our bones.

There is only one solution. Concrete all the national parks. Do it now. Mother Nature must be taught a devastating lesson.

You're either with us, the humans, or you're with the fluffy and cute, but also heavily fanged razor clawed fauna.

Okay, Time To Send In The Monster Spiders

Australians have grown bored by the repeativity of cyclone attacks, shark attacks, crocodile attacks, leg-gnawing possum attacks, kangaroo attacks, camels trashing our towns and turning on our taps, possums invading our Leagues clubs, and aggro-wallabies invading our nursing homes.

We like variety in how Nature tries to wipe us out. We appreciate the unusual.

Good news, then, from the Townsville Bulletin. Nature's War On Humans ramps up a notch with this dramatic new front line opening up in Queensland :

SPIDER INVASION IN BOWEN

IN a scene that could almost be out of a B-grade monster movie, giant spiders have invaded Bowen.

For about six weeks, residents have reported seeing huge bird-eating spiders crawling around their backyards and gardens.

That's not too over the top an intro for a story detailing how a few big, occasionally bird-eating spiders have shown up in a few Bowen backyards, is it?

While at this stage there had only been about five sightings of the giant spiders, Mr Geiszler said it was unusual to see that many in such a short period.

"They are very shy. They normally never venture out too far but obviously these ones have been flushed out for some reason.

"It's more than enough to scare a few people. It's not plague proportions or anything.

Or invasion proportions.

Freaky fact.

The spiders whistle or make a hissing sound when aggravated, which can be heard about 2m away.

So if you're in or around Bowen in the next few weeks, poking around in a garden and you hear a bizarre hissing sound, run, run and flail your arms around your head and back to make sure one of these "monsters" isn't hitching a ride. There probably won't be a "monster" spider trying to eat your ear lobes, but you will look fantastically funny to anyone who sees you running down the street.

"The spiders have been getting fed and now they're out walking about looking for females to mate with."

The monster spiders have had a good feed and now out cruising for chicks.

The bite from a bird-eating spider is not known to be fatal to humans, however it can cause up to six hours of vomiting.

Yeah, like a spider bite's the only thing that can happen to you in Townsville that could lead to six hours of vomiting.

Great Story

Then again, you don't want of these fuckers crawling over your face when you're passed out in the backyard :

Righteous Spider Photo by Greg Brylund

Start With The Koalas

An appropriate logo has now been located for the anti-nature resistance, Humans Against The Rest (HATeR) :



More on the unlikely source of the above image in a photo essay, later.

The Anti-Nature Resistance Rises

Some crazed freak in comments at Grods is using the Man-Bird-Pig Flu outbreak to try and start all sorts of trouble for the ecosphere :

Bin Laden is dead and Mother Nature is history's greatest terrorist.

It took us the whole of the 20th century and a lot of ingenuity and effort to kill 100 million people in our wars. Mother Nature can beat that with a string of earthquakes, a volcanic eruption, a tsunami or two and a solid global pandemic (as in 1918).

Mother Nature's War On Humans is ramping up, so we must punish this brutal old hag now, and show her no quarter. Concrete her rainforests, damn her wilderness rivers, squish her precious frogs and eat all of her rarest species.

If She kills 100 Australians with her new virus, we behead one thousand koalas. If She wipes out one thousand of us in revenge, we harpoon 10,000 whales. The big ones first.

My new anti-nature resistance is called Humans Against The Rest (HATeR).

Who's with me?

Isolate him now.

The Bloody Camels Will Be Asking For A Glass And Ice Cubes Next

We've had plenty of shark attacks, and crocodile attacks, and we've even had wallaby and kangaroo attacks, but now the camels are invading our towns. They're coming for the water and they know how to get it :

Camels are coming into communities in central Australia and turning on the taps, the Macdonnell Shire Council says.

The shire has applied to the Federal Government for a $4.5 million slice of infrastructure funding to build camel-proof boundaries around 14 communities.

Wayne Wright from the shire says thirsty camels are causing significant damage.

"In a number of our communities it's quite common for camels to enter the community and if there are any taps adjacent to houses they're quite capable of either turning the taps on or knocking the taps off so they get water."

The intention is to put cattle grids at the entrances to the communities and place fencing around them.

Weird. The camels can work out how to turn on, or at the very least break open, taps to get water, but they still can't master the art of negotiating a cattle grid?

Pristine Beaches Trashed By Renewable Energy Spill

By Darryl Mason

More than 10,000 solar panels and 200 wind turbines were washed off the deck of a Chinese freighter late last week, during a cyclonic storm. Now, the solar panels and turbine blades are washing ashore along more than 100 kilometres of Australia's most majestic coastline. Dozens of beaches in Queensland are now closed to the public, as hundreds of volunteers go about the barely monumental task of picking up all the solar panels, while heavy vehicles are now being brought in to remove the turbine blades.

The whole clean-up operation is not expected to cost millions of dollars will not keep some of Australia's most popular beaches closed beyond Monday. The Queensland government has declared a State Of UnEmergency.

"It's terrible, just a complete non-disaster," said Rada Bonflair, founder of the controversial pro-fossil fuels lobby group, Mother Nature Hates Renewable Energy, She Really Does.

"The solar panels are very difficult to remove from the beaches. You need at least two people to pick up each one. The wind turbines will take at least twenty minutes for each to be hoisted away. This whole clean-up could take a day and a half. If this spill was of toxic chemcials, dioxins and oil, then it would be a very different story."

A volunteer at one beach clean-up operation said his fellow volunteers were getting angrier by the hour as they continued to find no injured animals to rescue, outside of a few fish, and no nests of destroyed turtle eggs.

"If this had been 100,000 barrels of oil? Now that would have been a worthwhile disaster," the volunteer said. "We would have been cleaning dozens of pelicans and shaking our heads very angstly, and we'd be sifting sand to get out every last sticky globule. It would have taken weeks, cost hundreds of millions of dollars, and resulted in hundreds of lost jobs because our pristine beaches would now look like absolute shit on the evening news across the world."

Rada Bonflair said there was a valuable lesson to be taken from the non-destruction of Australian beaches by the renewable energies spill.

"People love to use a variety of renewable energies because it makes them feel good," she said, "and they think that their choice not to use oil or burn coal is somehow pleasing to Mother Nature. Well, it's not. She gave us oil and coal to burn, and when we stop using her free gifts, she becomes very, very angry indeed. What didn't happen to all those still beautiful and undamaged beaches from this non-disaster was no accident. Mother Nature was sending us a message. If we don't use the fossil fuels she has created for us, then she will absolutely not punish it. We don't have much time left."

Kangaroo Home Invasion

By Darryl Mason

Kangaroo attacks happen all the time in Australia. But we don't like to talk about them. Sure, you'll hear a lot about shark attacks, even shark sightings, "down under" at "Australia's Most Famous Beach" on BBC World News and CNN, but that's only because reporters will take any opportunity they can get to do a live cross from a sandy coastline location.

Occasionally, some brave American journalist will bust the news blackout and let the world know what is going, all but unreported, in Australia :



Eeee, any stitches to the groin are bad news for a bloke, but thirty?

And no, I don't think the tension-laden music and dramatic voiceover were over the top in the slightest.

The truth is, the human population of Australia has been under attack by kangaroos, and occasionally koalas, for decades. An entire generation of Australians were lulled into a false sense of security about kangaroos and wallabies by Skippy : The Bush Kangaroo. The show taught us that some kangaroos could learn to type, use a compass and dial rotary phones, but it never warned us of the true threat kangaroos pose to our way of life, and even the way we sleep.

Once, kangaroos would only kick ten kinds of crap out of you if you happened to wander into Kangaroo Country. But now, they are coming after us. Do they somehow know they are going to become a very popular red meat alternative in cow-reduced future?

They are hopping into our suburbs, they are invading our luxuriantly-lawned nursing homes, they are leaping straight into our homes :

A Canberra man was forced to wrestle a kangaroo out his house after it jumped through a window and landed on his bed in the middle of the night.

Nature's War On Humans continues....

They're Not Just Cute, Friendly Wallabies Anymore - They're Killers!"

Fossil Record Confirms Word & Art Aboriginal Legend Of Ancient Dog-Like Kangaroo


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Queenslanders To Brutal Mother Nature : "Oh What The Fuck Is It Now?"

How absolutely, monumentally huge is the cyclone closing in on the WhitSundays this morning?

This huge :



From ABC News :

Cyclone Hamish has now intensified into a Category 5 system, creating winds in excess of 280 kilometres an hour, off the north-east coast of Queensland.

Residents and tourists are preparing to ride out the effects of the cyclone as it moves along the coast.

The outer edge of the massive storm, already 40km/h faster than Cyclone Larry which smashed Innisfail in 2006, will lash islands in the Whitsundays in the next few hours.

It continues moving south-east off the coast, and some islands in its path have been evacuated.

A Category 5 is rated as extremely dangerous and can cause widespread destruction.

It's not expected that Hamish will devastate Cairns, at least not right now. It is expected to stay far enough away from the coast to not destroy the place, so says the BOM, but The WhitSundays are apparently the big worry.

Winds hitting 180kmh be roaring across some of the islands by 7am.

Just Another 'Possum Goes Wild In A Leagues Club' Video

Obviously the possum in the below video is a scout, checking out another target for future possum occupation. Nature's War On Humans continues.



Fantastic, very cute, very funny. I wonder if the possum had been watching those doors open and close for a while from a nearby tree, working out a way to get inside? The possum's adventure inside West's Leagues Club lasted an hour.

More Than 10,000 Australians Have Lost Their Homes To Natural Disasters In Two Weeks

Amongst the horror and human carnage of the Victorian fires, the devastation wrought upon thousands in North Queensland has slipped into the background for many, understandably so. But floods and heavy rains that have reached more than two-thirds of Queensland in the past few weeks, more than one million square kilometres, have devastated cane and banana plantations, cut off entire towns, wiped away bridges and major roads and left, according to this story, thousands of people homeless. Combined with the 7000 thousand now homeless from the fires in Victoria, more than 10,000 Australians are urgently looking for somewhere else to live. Just mind-boggling :

In Ingham residents are beginning the clean-up. But the situation remains dire in Queensland's gulf country, which is experiencing the highest river peaks in 35 years.

In Karumba, a remote fishing town in the state's north-west, residents have been asked to cut back on showers because the town had as little as three days' drinking water left after a water pipeline to nearby Normanton burst. Some towns in the area have been without fresh food since early last month.

Many in the gulf expect to be flood-bound for at least another month.

The floods have devastated the state's sugar industry, which was already struggling due to years of poor growing conditions, high costs and low returns. The water has also damaged banana plantations, which were recovering from Cyclone Larry in 2006.

Yesterday heavy rain between Townsville and Mackay continued. Charters Towers, inland from Townsville, and Longreach, central Queensland were still on flood alert.

13 Year Old Girl Punches Out Five Metre Shark



Nature's War On Humans hits another major setback. Thanks to 13 year old Hannah Mighall, even teenagers now know that the deadliest living arsenal Nature has to keep us out of its oceans can be beaten, and humiliated :

"We were just surfing and (Hannah) was probably five or 10 metres out in front of me," he said.

"The next thing I know she screamed and disappeared under the water.

"She came up and was fighting the shark and hitting it and screaming 'help me, help me, help me'. We didn't see it coming.

"It grabbed her surfboard and dragged that under and she still had her leg rope on and it dragged her under again.

"She kept it together. There was blood everywhere and I didn't know whether it was going to try and bite her again.

"She's 13 years old. She made me very proud. She gave me the strength to stay there with her in the water - when I saw the way she was fighting it off.

"She was scared but she fought it off. She wasn't going to let it beat her.

"I was stunned - I didn't know what to do. She was the one who pulled me through it. She's the hero. She's my hero."

More here

Hannah hasn't changed her mind about her planned career : marine biologist.

Now we know that teenage girls can take on five metre white pointers, and win, we can't be too far away from the creation of a breathtaking new Australian sport : deep water, bare-handed shark fighting. More action packed than koala wrestling and kangaroo polo.



UPDATE : More shark attacks and more Australians fight back against the so-called lions of the sea. It's time to remake Jaws, but with Australians launching themselves into the water to go one on one, fist versus snout :

A snorkeller has suffered 40 puncture wounds to his leg and abrasions to his hand after he punched a shark that was biting him.

The 23-year-old man was snorkelling under the Windang Bridge about 10.45am when he felt a tug on his leg, a NSW Ambulance spokeswoman said.

He turned around to see a flurry of white water and "punched at a brown shape", believed to have been a bull shark.

Legendary shark hunter Vic Hislop' has a theory about the spate of recent Shark Vs Human attacks and it screams out "Make Me Into A Movie!" Sharks are, according to Hislop, running low on their usual diet of assorted varieties of sea kittens, and view humans are "an alternative food source" :

Mr Hislop said 200 years of over-fishing Australian waters had turned the attention of big sharks to "gentler" prey such as dugong, turtles and dolphins.

"That's what's in their stomach now every day," he said on Macquarie Radio today.

"As the turtles disappear, which is inevitable, and the dugong herds disappear, humans are next in line on the food chain.

"It will definitely get worse."

Boring experts dismiss Hislop's theory :

But Tarango Zoo shark biologist John West rejected the claim saying if any species behaviour was changing it was humans.

He said there may have been a rise in the number of shark sighting but that was only because more people were spending more time in the water.

Population increases and wetsuits that allow people to swim through the colder months would increase the chance of someone coming into contact with a shark.

"It may sound logical that over-fishing would lead to more attacks but it has no basis in fact," he said.

As long as the sharks believe that, too.

"They're Not Just Cute, Friendly Wallabies Anymore - They're Killers"

Remember, the stories below are only some of the recent officially reported attacks on humans by vicious Australian fauna. How many attacks go unreported?

Seriously, if you were a 50 year old man taking out the rubbish at 11pm and a baby fruit bat flew into the back of your head and scrabbled at your neck with its cold little claws and made you shriek like a four year old girl who just woke up to find a spider on her face, would you go and tell the police about it? No.

The children's TV favourite, Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, clearly lulled a couple of generations into a false sense of security. The furry, the big-eyed and the awesomely cute marsupials of Australia can no longer be trusted. The Australian battleground in Nature's War On Humans ramps up.

Wallaby Goes After Child, Shapes Up To Father For Fight :

"Bones" Bailey yesterday said if he had not been there to fight off the 1m-tall wallaby on Saturday afternoon, he had no doubt his nine-year-old son Morgan would have been mauled to death.

"It’s deadset serious. Someone should get a gun and shoot the buggers," Mr Bailey said.

"They’re not just friendly, cute little wallabies any more – they’re killers."

"This big fella came out and Morgan started to run and he started chasing him, making this roaring noise," Mr Bailey said.

"Morgan was absolutely screaming his head off. I had to belt him (the wallaby) across the face twice, then he came at me – he had his claws up, shaping up like a little boxing man.

"Then my young fella (six-year-old Bodine) grabbed a stick and he finally backed off," Mr Bailey said.

He and Giffin Rd neighbour Anita Coulthard said they knew of three other children who also were attacked by wallabies in the area on separate times last year.

An Environmental Protection Agency spokesman said attacks on humans by wild wallabies or kangaroos were extremely rare...

Well yes, you would expect the EPA to say that. They have a pro-fauna agenda. This sure smells like a cover-up.

Greens leader Bob Brown is somewhere tonight, illuminated from below, laughing diabolically, clapping his hands in delight as he prays to the Green Jesus to direct the wombats and koalas to join in the anti-human bloodshed.

Meanwhile, here's a rampaging, leg-gnawing possum :

Police officers have used capsicum spray to subdue a rampant possum that had been terrorising a family in their home for hours.

"Mark always wears shorts and the possum jumped on his leg and sank in the claws and teeth. He was trying to shake it off but it was well attached."

Koalas will start dropping from trees and shredding bushwalkers any day now.

"Sorry? Did You Say You Were Attacked By A Kangaroo?"

"Sorry? Did You Say You Were Attacked By A Kangaroo?"

As soon as they put up the new signs warning "Beware Unprovoked Attacks By Kangaroos", they will be stolen.

A jogger is in a stable condition in a Melbourne hospital after he was attacked by a kangaroo on the city's north-western fringe.

The man was treated at the scene for a large gash on his head and smaller scratches on his arms, hands and chest and was taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital in a stable condition.

I was convinced, for years, as a kid that I'd seen a late night movie about millions of kangaroos massing near Orange and then raging through the Blue Mountains and attacking the suburbs of Sydney. They were like a plague, unstoppable, extremely violent.

People were running from their homes and gunning down waves of marauding kangaroos, but they kept on coming. There was one fantastic scene where the kangaroos cross the Harbour Bridge, leaping from car roof to car roof. They crashed through windscreens and anyone who dared to leap from their car and run for it was pummelled to death.

I experienced years of bewildered looks from friends, and movie industry professionals, in my hunt to find this movie. It doesn't exist. The only explanation is that it was a movie dream I had while napping through an episode of Skippy, after too much straight green cordial syrup on ice-cream.