Wallabies Love Tasmanian Opium, So Do The Deer And Sheep
By Darryl Mason
Across Australia today, many thousands of illegal and legal opiate admirers and junkies will read this story and mutter "lucky wallabies" :
Wallabies are breaking into Tasmania's poppy fields and getting high.Don't be distracted by this talk of crop circles. They've got a serious smack wallaby problem on their hands, and word of the free supply of very magic flowers is spreading amongst other animal communities :
The strange occurrence that was revealed in a State Government Budget Estimates hearing, has also solved what some growers say has spurred a campfire legend about mysterious crop circles that appear in northern Tasmania's poppy paddocks.
In true X-Files-style, Attorney-General Lara Giddings said the drugged out wallabies had been found hopping around in circles squashing the poppies, creating the formations – and hence solving the mystery.
Tasmanian Alkaloids field operations manager Rick Rockliff said wildlife and livestock that ate the poppies were known to "act weird" including deer in the state's highlands and sheep.Wait a second, there might be a decent new market ready to open up for opium-marinated lamb. Somebody call the Agriculture Minister.
"...as growers we try our best to try and stop this sort of consumption particularly by livestock due to concerns about the contamination of the meat.
"....there has been a steady increase in the number of wild animals and that is where we are having difficulty keeping them off our land."Uh Oh. They have got a serious problem.
How do you protect thousands of acres of opium crops from wave after wave of wallaby, sheep and deer, driven mad by nerve-stripping opium withdrawals, purely fixated on the irresistible pods they know they must immediately consume. How do you stop that?
They're going to need bigger fences.
Tasmanians should be aware of crazed cold turkeying fauna leaping through the bedroom window and heading for the jewelry collection.
UPDATE : The AdelaideNow site has to win some sort of award for giving this internationally popular story this brilliant headline :
5 comments:
Years ago living in the quaintly named "Back Tea Tree Road" just out of Richmond in Tassie, we had an opium field directly across the road.
Our favourite afternoon sport was watching the stoned sheep who had been put in the padock to clean-up after harvest.
Our favourite evening sport was trying to work out how to get opium out of the poppies.
Needless-to-say - the sheep were a lot more stoned than we ever got!!
Maybe they need a government-sponsored advertising campaign to tell them to "just say no" and that "all drugs are bad"...?
Don't you mean "All Drugs Are B-a-a-aaaa-ed"?
We were the Afghanistan of the 1940's and now we're a bunch of hypocrites.
When I grow up I want to be a Tasmanian opium poppy farmer.
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