Sunday, November 25, 2007

Election Blogging And Drinking

I was wrong. Turns out I don't have a life.

This will be election night blogging mixed with a drinking game.

Every seat declared for Labor, one shot of Wild Turkey.

Let's begin.

6pm - votes are rolling in, some booths are counting slower than others. Bob Hawke has apparently called the election for Labor. Literally. He shouted it out the window of the car driving him to the Sky News studio while laughing maniacally.

Oohh, first couple of seats are being called for Labor with less than 1% of the vote counted. Good enough for me. Three seats, three shots.

7pm - more Labor seats, more shots. Is this dangerous? Decided each three Labor seat shots of Wild Turkey have to be balanced out with shots of orange juice or black coffee for Liberal seats declared.

Christ, is this eight Labor seats already, or twelfvve? Who cares....must eat something.

7.30pm - No. Mal Brough is being tipped to lose his seat. But Tony "Too Honest" Abbott will keep his seat. Of course, one of the only few decent Liberals loses. Howard & Friends will be finding Labor chewing gum under the opposition benches for months to come. Is it over for Howard & Friends? Yes.

8pm - Labor, shot, Labor, shot, Labor, shot, Labor, shot, Liberal, coffee, Labor, National, Labor, Lalorr, Layloooh..

8.20m - Bob Hawke has been calling it live on Sky for an hour. Kerry O'Brien has to cover the growing smirk with his hand, but his huge hand is not big enough. With the amount of hair Julia Gillard lost each week of the election to new makeovers, she's lucky it's finally over. Two more weeks and she would have had Peter Garrett's hairstyle.

8.40pm - Labor, Labor, Labor (let's go for just LR for Labor okay?) LR, LR, LR,, Howard will lose to Maxine McKew. So paying personal visits to 8000 homes in Bennelong without the nation's media and a half dozen security in tow does pay dividends.

9-ish? - bluurg. Oh crap. whi is the rooom tilting to one syde? LR, shot, LR, shot, LR shiit.

Howard will concede soon. Costello is speaking now, so Howard will make his arrival at the hotel and cut into Costello's near-tears speech.

Howard arrives at hotel with clearly pissed off Janette The Wife. Howard's mere riding up the escalator is enough for every channel to dump Costello's speech just as he was getting to how awesome Australia is. Story of Costello's decade really.

Great speech from Mal Brough. He asks Labor to continue his work in Aboriginal communities. No doubt they will, but without handing over land to mining companies which was always Howard's plan.

9whenever - Howard is history. That's worth two shots. Interesting speech from The Loser but Janette's grimace is distracting. She's still interrupting and nagiiiinng him even when he's strying tto exit with class. Howard all but concedes Bennnelong to Maxine McKew as his farewells his extremely bitter supports. "NOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU JOHNNN!!!" Fantastic. Someone in the crowd manages to shout "HOWARD IS A WANKER!!!" loud enough for it to be heard on the ABC. What a send off. Great speech from Howard. Pity he didn't talk up how awesome Australia is more often in the campaign instead of claiming we would plunge into living hell if Labor wins.

...there is no Liberal government anywhere in Australia now. The whining of the conservatives begins. Naturally they will blame the ABC. And Channel Nine. And, hilariously, the Murdoch media. Blah blah blah

10pm - W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-Wipeout! The Liberals 11.5 year reign is over. Finished. Australians clearly didn't believe Howard's bullshit. The world will not end on Monday morning. Another chapter in Australia's history will begin.

I said you sonn offa bitch! I never likkked yuuo....listen listen, listen, you are bloody great mate,, no, listen....shit...I gotta ss ff what? .............fuckit.....woiw r rr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

1.58am - crashed out in a pile on the floor when Kevin Rudd started his victory speech a few hours ago. Sign of things to come no doubt. Children won't go to sleep? Put on the Kevin Rudd Best Speeches DVD and they will fall into a half-coma within minutes.

Liberals booed any mention of Labor when Howard conceded. The Labor faithful managed to mostly restrain themselves when Rudd praised Howard.

Good Christ! Alex Hawk won Mitchell. If you see him, splash him with holy water and watch him scream and writhe. Tony "Too Raw" Abbott now has competition for who will be the biggest arsehole on the opposition benches. We will watch this nasty piece of work very, very closely.

2am Sunday morning - so it's over. Conservatives have been absolutely routed in Australia last night. Labor wins by 22, or more, seats. One of the most complete and total victories in Australian political history.

Some fantasists are already claiming that seeing as Rudd outed himself as a conservative, the conservatives won regardless of Howard's loss. Yeah, okay. That's Howard quality bullshit. Remember what Peter Garrett said? "When we get in, we'll just change it all" or something like that. Clearly that's what Australians want to happen now.

Kevin Rudd, we're already being told, won his monumental victory off the back of catchy slogans and populist salesman pitches. Of course he did. John Howard completed the transformation of Australia into a consumer society, so why shouldn't Rudd win when he had the best buy-this-now slogans and the far more impressive marketing campaign?

The new age of Labor begins tomorrow. The bloodbath in the Liberal Party has already begun. Conservatives are in the vast minority in Australia today. Australia just became more Australian, once again.