Andrew Bolt's Hero Is An "Obscene" "Sexist" Pig Who Shows Demented Pictures To Children

By Darryl Mason

The Herald Sun's Andrew Bolt, or The Professional Idiot as he's known around these parts, loves, absolutely loves, Gordon Ramsay.

Why? Because Gordon Ramsay personifies "conservative values".

It's not simply admiration, it's also infatuation :

"...I've fallen for the bloke. My kind of guy completely. More of him and civilisation is safe."

"I like particularly the standards Ramsay upholds...."

"He thinks reason beats irrational sentiment."

"Here's Ramsay coaching millions of Australians into Liberal values and making them seem contemporary."

"Ramsay...is an artist who uses them as tools to create something beautiful from nothing..."

"Make something of yourself, is his message. Test yourself. Find passion. Make a life and, in Ramsay's own passion, his values and his art, he has."

Good God, and then there's this :

"(Gordon Ramsay) creates a noble calling from a job, and a life from a collection of days."

Ramsay also shouts at a lot of women on TV, tries to humiliates them, hurls abuse and invective at women because he doesn't like the way they cook (how very 20th century of him), or more importantly, he doesn't like the way they look at him with eyes that say 'You are a fucking weak, weak man.'

So, this comes as no real surprise :

Foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay has shocked a public audience by vilifying high profile Australian journalist Tracy Grimshaw in an obscene, sexist rant.

The putrid tirade, which included references to Grimshaw's looks, sexuality and depictions of her as a pig, shocked audiences who went to see the celebrity chef at the Good Food and Wine Show in Melbourne.

Ramsay told an audience of several thousand people that Grimshaw was "a lesbian"...

When the crowd reacted with gasps, he said: "What? I'm not saying she's a ..."

The phrase that Ramsay used was a highly derogatory term often used to describe lesbians.

Ramsay also showed a picture of a woman - who appeared to be naked - on her hands and knees with the features of a pig and multiple breasts.

"That's Tracy Grimshaw," he told the audience. "I had an interview with her yesterday - holy crap.

"She needs to see Simon Cowell's Botox doctor."

Ramsay even showed his 'art' to children walking by.

Mandy Saunders was at the food expo with her two children and elderly mother.

"I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing - it was disgusting," Ms Saunders said.

"The show is meant for families. That was way out of order."

If Channel Nine valued Tracey Grimshaw as a journalist, a quality interviewer, and respected her as the host of their flagship current affairs program, they'd tell Gordon Ramsay to go and fuck himself, forever.

They won't of course.

The honour of Tracey Grimshaw, as a journalist, as a woman, means nothing to this kind of media.

Gordon Ramsay must be absolutely plowing through bags and bags of methamphetamine these days.

Still.

Presumably, that's what he'll end up blaming.


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This Is Why Supermarkets Don't Put The Eggs With The Milk With The Bacon

Wah, of Club Wah, goes shopping :

This is what supermarkets do. They fuck with your mind and keep moving things so you go in to buy bacon and eggs and while negotiating a maze to find them you end up with a trolley full of shit you had no intention of buying. Indeed as I traipsed through Coles looking for the fucking eggs I did see things that I needed, but through fuck you Coles you’re not getting an extra cent out of me today – though I did grab some orange juice when I went that way in search of eggs.

By the time I was asked at the check out “do you want Flybuys?” and then “would you like to join FlyBuys?” I had given up on life.

Wah did enjoy the eventual breakfast, however.


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What Is This 'The Left" You Speak So Often Of?

I'm glad you asked.

There has been a lot of talk at The Orstrahyun, over the years, about The Left. Or The Evil Pagan Left. Or The Evil Lefty Green Pagan Nazi CommoObamaist Lefty Lefty Left.

And there has been little, if any, explanation of what this clearly dangerous and volatile entity actually is.

I could write a couple of thousand words on it, that would not be a problem, I could piss on absolute crap to such a gagging word count that when you're reading this on Sunday afternoon (or Monday morning) you will look at "I'm glad you asked" and then scroll down and down and down and see thick paragraph after thick paragraph of twaddle n' glut and think, 'For Fuck's Sake! Get to the fucking point you verbose bastard!'

But I and you don't have to go through any of that now because Grods has done all that for me, and you, so I can just link to this instead.

This Is What 'The Left!' Stands For'.

At 2.45am on a Sunday morning, Wah, of Club Wah, has come up with the best tirade of a definition so far :

"The Left is anyone who is not a fucktard, racist, xenophobic, climate change-denying, homophobic, “pro-life”, ultra-capitalist, neo-conservative, hate-mongering cunt!"

Close and good enough for me.

The Chaser Is Not "The Media", You Morons




By Darryl Mason

Australia's most boring columnist, Gerard Henderson, has long thought satirical ABC show The Chaser is not comedy television but "The Media".

Incredibly, the editor of The Australian now also thinks The Chaser is "the media". No, really. He does. The editor of The Australian newspaper can't tell the difference between A Current Affair and a comedy show full of made-up nonsense and occasionally cutting social and political satire. He thinks The Chaser, like 2GB or the Sydney Morning Herald or The Australian is part of "The Media"and so therefore must be hammered by the ABC's Media Watch :

For weeks, Media Watch, the in-house organ of the ABC's opinion makers, has bagged management over a broadcast computer system that is slow to settle in. But now presenter Jonathan Holmes and his team have a superior scandal they can chase hard next Monday night - The Chaser's dour and disgraceful sketch that mocked the wishes of dying children and the people who love them.

Then again, maybe it's easy for the editor of The Australian to confuse The Chaser with real "media". After all, The Chaser has covered the Iraq War, and the 'War on Terror', over the years, with a savage honesty that The Australian shied completely away from.

Plus, The Chaser did once have a newspaper.


And so The Chaser caved in, or were likely forced to, and just like The Glass House and The Gruen Transfer before it, the show will now fall under a new regime of increased censorship because people were upset by their reaction to a show that implicitly aims to provoke a reaction in a television era filled with the drab, the unchallenging, the politically correct, the grindingly bland.

The Chaser are clearly not happy about what's happened :

We want to make an apology for a sketch we created called “The Make a Realistic Wish Foundation”.

We’ve just heard from the ABC that they’re suspending the show for 2 weeks. We were keen to keep making the show, so we’re disappointed by the decision, and we don’t agree with it.

But that aside, we’d like to apologise. The piece was a very black sketch. Obviously too black. And we’re really sorry for the significant pain and anger we have caused.

Many people have asked how could we possibly think a sketch like that should go to air. We realize in hindsight that we shouldn’t have done it. We never imagined that the sketch would be taken literally.

We don’t think sick kids are greedy and we don’t think the Make a Wish Foundation deserves anything other than praise. It was meant to be so over-the-top that no one would ever take it seriously.

But we now understand the sketch didn’t come across as intended, and we take full responsibility for that. Now we’ve seen the impact of the piece we wish we’d thought it through better. There was no value in it that justifies the impact it’s clearly had on people whose grief or trauma is so great already. We should have considered that. We got it wrong. We’re sorry.

We'll be making no further comment at this time.

What else is there to say?

The Chaser's audience wanted 'The Boys' to keep pushing the limits of what they may or may not find funny, just how far 'The Boys' would be willing to go, for a laugh or a reaction, or something beyond the reaction most watch television with, a nonchalant 'Eh.'

Now The Chaser has most definitely found out what that limit is.

Dying Children.

Well, at least actors playing dying children.

Not so long ago, Australians could tell the difference.

ABC News : Australians Divided Over Censorship Of The Chaser

"We Were Confronted With The Iron Fist Of Middle Class Taste"

The all but lost, extremely loose, 1975 movie 'Pure Shit' gets a long overdue re-release.

Here's the trailer :



For its time, this was a wild movie, raw and dangerous and challenging, unlike most Australian movies today. Even the trailer rings a hell of a lot more true of junkie outlaw reality than anything we saw in two whole series of glammed-up Underbelly.

In an interview with Cinetology, Pure Shit director Bert Deling goes hard on the safe and non-offensive Australian film industry :

"It opens up a couple of interesting questions. It opens up the question of how it is that we have had a film funding organisation in Australia that for last 25 years has continued to make films no one wants to see.

"They are the same 12 or so people who made all this crap in the past that no one wants to see. They get hold of a hundred percent of all the governments’ money. In any other country, that would be considered to be a scandal!

"And you can see what the aim is - these f***ers who may have made two or three features, bland sort of things which get two weeks at some art house cinema here and never sell overseas, they want a big kill. They want to get a big budget film, and they’ll make that and then they’ll disappear, leaving the Australian film industry in a smoking ruin. I just don’t get it. They are going to smash it to pieces."

But Deling holds out hope that the low-budget digital movie revolution will deliver on its promise and potential :

"There’s gotta be something soon, like Pure Shit, where somebody wants to go out and make a film and doesn’t give a flying f*** what the middle class say. And they can do it. You could almost do it on a halfway decent credit card."

More on why boring people are killing the Australian movie industry :

"Right across the board we were confronted with the iron fist of middle class taste, and they’re the men and women who’ve been running the film industry. That’s why we get the sorts of films that we do – because they know what they’re gonna get. They’ve read the script, they know the director, they know the actors who’ve been cast. The film that they get is the film they wanted. And so they and their friends get to see a film they think is perfect, but nobody else does and no one wants to go!"

Great Interview

Go Hard Gerard Busts Another Evil Big Lefty Media Conspiracy

Or Not

By Darryl Mason

Australia's most boring columnist, Gerard Henderson, sniffs out yet another Big Left media conspiracy, one that has unfolded in suspicious silence, up until now.

For Gerard Henderson, a journalist with The Australian, Amanda Meade, initially appears to be in cahoots with God knows who else in the Big Left media ranks to conceal from Gerard Henderson the exact age of the 7.30 Report's Kerry O'Brien.

Gerard Henderson doesn't think birthdates published on Wikipedia or printed in those new-fangled print newspapers, are to be trusted. Google? Don't make Gerard laugh. For him, the only volume of biographical record is one that most people would be surprised to hear is still actually being published.

It's time for Go Hard Gerard to confront this awful Big Lefty conspiracy. It's time for his infamously bland and whiney e-mails to start flowing :

Excerpts :

Email From Gerard Henderson To Amanda Meade - 3 June 2009

Amanda

I would be grateful if you would advise precisely where Mr O’Brien’s date of birth is on the public record.

Kerry O’Brien does not cite a date of birth in his entry in Who’s Who in Australia. Moreover, the biographical details about Kerry O’Brien on the 7.30 Report’s website do not record either his age or the fact that he once worked for Gough Whitlam. So I ask: Where on the “public record” is there reference to Mr O’Brien’s age? Here’s hoping for a prompt response.

Best wishes

Gerard Henderson

* * * * *

Email From Amanda Meade To Gerard Henderson - 3 June 2009

Subject: O’Brien’s age: O’Brien willingly told us his age in 2006, see below. And his birthdate is on Wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerry_O%27Brien_(journalist)

Article attached: “Milestones for the host we trust the most” - by Amanda Meade in The Australian 15 June 2006.

* * * * *

Email From Gerard Henderson To Amanda Meade - 3 June 2009

For someone who lectures others about journalistic standards, I am genuinely surprised that you regard Wikipedia as an authoritative source on the public record. It is nothing of the kind.

If Mr O’Brien wanted others to know his age he would put it in his Who’s Who entry (which he prepares) or arrange to have this material placed on the 7.30 Report website.

Gerard Henderson

* * * * *

Email From Amanda Meade To Gerard Henderson - 3 June 2009

Gerard

I did not rely on Wikipeda for my information, I simply point it out to you as one source. O’Brien told me his birth date in the interview, and I [sic] it is certainly not a state secret. By the way, you [sic] age is not in your bio either.

* * * * *

Email From Gerard Henderson To Amanda Meade - 3 June 2009

Amanda

You are shifting ground. In “The Diary” on Monday you wrote that Kerry O’Brien’s age is on the public record. When I asked you where this information could be located on the public record, your only reference was to Wikipedia.

You should be aware that the principal source of biographical data in Australia is Who’s Who in Australia. If you bothered to check this, you would know that my date of birth is published in Who’s Who.

So basically Go Hard Gerard's beef is that he thought he had to reveal his age in Who's Who Of Australia, and included, but Kerry O'Brien realised a date-of-birth wasn't mandatory, so he didn't include it.

So what does this have to do with journalist Amanda Meade? Absolutely sweet fuck-all.

Amanda Meade puts it more succcinctly.

Email From Amanda Meade To Gerard Henderson - 3 June 2009

This is so boring and tedious.

I will say only this: Kerry O’Brien is 63 and I know this because he told me wen [sic] he was born in a profile interview. That fact was published in the Oz, which makes it on the public record.

* * * * *

Email From Gerard Henderson To Amanda Meade - 3 June 2009

I don’t intend to continue the correspondence. But I would recommend that in future you have a glance at Who’s Who which does provide birth dates, where they are submitted, on the public record. If Kerry O’Brien did this he would not need you as his apologist.

Best wishes

Gerard Henderson

What a silly old bastard he is.

Go Hard Gerard is not put off at all by being told he's boring and tedious. He's used to that.

This is how the boss of supposedly Australia's (at least once) most influential think-tank, The Sydney Institute, passes his days.

And this is yet another example of why old people should be given free video games. Immediately. They keep the mind busy, while reducing the amount of annoyance the bored elderly, like Gerard, cause to people with better things to do than to be drawn into nonsensical e-mail arguments about absolutely nothing of any consequence.

Go Hard Gerard Doesn't Like Kerry O'Brien. At All

Gerard Henderson Fantasies About The Chaser 'Boys' Getting Their Throats Cut

Stop It, Gerard, Your Tongue Can't Get Any Browner

Stop Laughing At The Chaser's APEC Stunt, Demands Gerard, Terrorism Isn't Funny

Loser Conservatives Can't Stop Whining

18th Century Celebrity Outlaw Traded For Five Gallons Of Rum

A great piece from Michael Stutchbury on why Australians love gangster television (because an admiration for bushrangers is hardwired into Australian culture) at Crikey (excerpts) :

John Caesar (or “Black Caesar” as he came to be known) was the first to take to the bush in search of a life of crime. A huge, hulking man built like the entire front row of the All Blacks, Caesar was a former Negro servant who was transported for theft. Arriving at Botany Bay in 1790, driven by hunger he stole an Aboriginal canoe and escaped into the surrounding bushland. Following a brief period raiding homesteads and Aboriginal camps, he was captured and returned to authorities, yet was not severely punished.

This set forth of a pattern that was to repeat itself over the next few years  — Caesar would escape, wander the bush for a time, receiving food and ammunition from sympathetic settlers who had heard of his exploits breathlessly recounted in the newspapers, before he was sent back to prison.

Unfortunately for Caesar, his exploits eventually went too far and provoked the authorities into appealing to that other great love of Australians  — drinking. Five gallons of rum, a liquid damn near worth its weight in gold to thirsty Sydneysiders, was the bounty placed on his head. A month later, in February, 1796 he was shot dead at Strathfield by a settler, who promptly claimed the reward.

The Full Story Is Here

Keep Selling The Hatred

By Darryl Mason

The Daily Telegraph's Tim Blair goes comment trolling for God knows who :




Blair's blogger mate JF Beck, on whose comment boards Blairians now say what they're not allowed to say on a "family" Daily Telegraph blog, also likes to spread anti-Jewish propaganda, through his headlines :



They'll tell you they're being ironic or something.

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"We're Going To Need Another White Board...."

By Darryl Mason

I wasn't kidding when I said that Kevin Rudd doesn't see a biting comedy when he watches ABC's The Hollow Men, he sees a tense, real-life drama, filled with the kinds of challenging events and burning bureaucratic tensions he already knows all too well.

Occasional reader Kerry contrasts the episode of The Hollow Men where the prime minister's staff must decide if the PM's good mate, and defence minister, should quit or be sacked with yesterday's big non-Chaser related news event, the resignation of Kevin Rudd's good mate, and defence minister, Joel Fitzgibbon :

How Hallowmen is this? It ticks all the boxes:

Ministry – defence

Reason – breach of ministerial conduct (very close to undisclosed investments)

Friend of PM – PM gave full support to his mate the defence minister until the announcement.

Resignation – Was it genuine or did the Hollow Men's Tony/Murph real life equivalents in PM's office argue whether it needed to be a resignation or sacking?

The only thing missing is that it’s not close to Remembrance day.

It's very annoying that I can't search through permanently-online episodes of The Hollow Men and link to the right moments in the TV show to make these 'coincidences' clearer. But searching video like we can now search song lyrics is still two or four years away.

Joel Fitzgibbon's resignation is just another curious example of Ruddlife imitating The Hollow Men, instead of the other way around. The episode where the PM's staff battled to decide whether it looked better for the prime minister to sack his defence minister, or accept his resignation, was only repeated on ABC 1 a couple of weeks ago.

Rudd's key staff have seen The Hollow Men. How could they resist watching it? So they'd know this episode, and would have been aware of its interesting parallels to how they had to sell this major fuckup in Rudd's considerably smooth sailing of recent.

The Budget episode of The Hollow Men, aired a week before the Wayne Swann delivered the real one, was also full of key phrases and words that were put to good use when Swann and Rudd and Julia Gillard stepped in front of the media to sell it.

You'll know some sort of Evil Lefty ABC conspiracy is afoot if the Wonder Drug episode of The Hollow Men airs a week or two before the Rudd government begins seriously trying to sell the swine flu Wonder Vaccine.




The details of why Fitzgibbon had to quit are here, in short he failed to "fully comply with the ministerial code of conduct", but when you read the following quotes from Rudd, you can easily imagine the Hollow Men-like scenes inside the PM's HQ as his staffers battled to come up with just the right wording, the all important phrasing, to get the prime minister over this credibility-degrading crisis :

"The minister's decision was to extend his letter of resignation at his initiative," Mr Rudd said.

"I accepted that resignation, it was the right thing to do."

Mr Rudd described Mr Fitzgibbon as a "first-class Defence Minister".

"The Government expects high standards of accountability on the part of ministers," he said.

"I feel very sad about this," Mr Rudd told a press conference in Canberra....

Mr Rudd said Mr Fitzgibbon had made "mistakes in terms of accountability and paid a high price".

He said Mr Fitzgibbon's resignation goes to the "probability of the process engaged in".

Finding agreement on the "probability of the process engaged in" could have taken hours, and at least one completely filled up white board.

No Matter How Far They Go, The Mainstream Media Will Never Campaign To Have The Chaser Taken Off The Air

By Darryl Mason

The Chaser's Julian Morrow made a promise on May 28, after the first episode of the new series of the mainstream media's reliable 'Public Outrage!' content provider, and comments generator, went to air :

"We care about complaint numbers far more than ratings. We were disappointed there were so few complaints this week, so we'll try to make it worse next week,'' Morrow said.

The Chaser kept its promise :



The complaints are pouring into the ABC, but more importantly, so are the comments to mainstream media blogs, your says and discussion boards. There must be 3000 comments already across a dozen or so Murdoch media blogs and news stories.

The Chaser made fun of dying children, or at least made fun of the way dying children are marketed by charities and top rating commercial television shows. Who the fuck doesn't have an opinion on that?

The Chaser's 'Make A Realistic Wish' Outrage! will soar to the top of Most Read stories across all the mainstream media online news sites, generating hundreds of thousands of extra page views, and by the time the Public Outrage! dies down, a few million in total page views that never would have existed had not The Chaser asked what's the point of helping dying children? "They're only going to die anyway."

A one minute skit from The Chaser produces a free video story, and copious online news stories mostly built out of comments made online by parents of dying children and furious others demanding the ABC cancel The Chaser by dinner time. This is not a costly piece of investigative journalism. It's all free. But it's exactly the kind of free Public Outrage! news story the mainstream media, tabloid and 'serious', are quickly becoming addicted to.

A few million extra page views, thanks to The Chaser, for online mainstream media new sites, translates into, at least, thousands of dollars worth of extra ad revenue.

The figures get bigger when you take it to the commercial television networks who will fill a few minutes of the evening news with this story, which will also soak up a solid five to eight minutes of the evening current affairs shows. Again, free Public Outrage! content.

It will be interesting to see who actually interviews dying children first to see what they think of The Chaser's demand they be more realistic about their dying wishes. Maybe A Current Affair can follow Julian Morrow around with a couple of cancer kids until he breaks down and weeps an apology.

If The Chaser can be relied upon to keep delivering totally free Public Outrage! stories every week for the rest of their last series, and no doubt they can (and if they don't, there will be enough material for some confected Public Outrage! anyway), mainstream media news sites, and blogs, can expect increased ad revenue because advertisers know The Chaser-related stories will pull the online eyeballs that they want to reach. It's not often a newspaper or news site can count on a popular story being served up to them for free, every Wednesday night.

Interestingly, if say the Daily Telegraph, an obvious online ad revenue beneficiary from The Chasers's totally free Public Outrage! stories, decided to go hard and stop at nothing until The Chaser was pulled off air, and got the rest of the series canned, they would be kissing goodbye to thousands of dollars worth of extra page view/ad revenue, plus all those stories that feed the endless demand for new semi-news related content.

(Note : I'm basing those very loose ad revenue estimates on what those kind of page view numbers would generate for the average independent blog carrying Google ads. I'd expect the money generated by The Chaser's free Public Outrage! stories to be substantially greater).

Clearly it would not be in the interest of any of the mainstream media online news sites, or the evening news or current affairs shows, to actually have The Chaser pulled off the air, no matter how far they go.

So in the time they have left, eight to ten weeks, in this final series, The Chaser can do anything they want, within legal restrictions. They could do some of the most dark and demented satire Australian TV viewers have ever seen. They could really break out of their own worn-out format and do something utterly unhinged.



The Chaser is clearly invaluable to all the Australian media. What they do generates public discussion and debate, filling newspaper pages, dreary day empty evening news spots, comment boards, and all those hours of talkback radio.

The first episode of the new series of The Chaser also provided hundreds of thousands of extra page views and free Public Outrage! content and online comment for the commercial TV networks and the Fairfax and Murodch media :

The public broadcaster received complaints about almost every segment of the satirical ABC show, which set its sights on making fun of the Cronulla Sharks group sex scandal.

The Chaser's War On Everything spokesman said complaint words used included: ``Disgusting, cruel, offensive, pathetic, revolting and disgraceful''.

It also showed the incident in which the boys flew a blimp into protected airspace above the Vatican, a cameo by TV talk show host Kerri-Anne Kennerley in a romantic tryst with Morrow.

Morrow also featured in a skit where a mannequin dressed as Governor General Quentin Bryce was thrown over a wall of the all-male Melbourne Club.

Some said a Footprints sketch was offensive to Christians, while a Wipeout Palestine segment and Billy Connolly sketch were also complained about.

Many more took to websites to express their disappointment with the show which has been off-air for 18 months.

John Surname speaks out in defence of The Chaser.

While I don't doubt that many, many people were seriously offended and upset by the 'Make A Realistic Wish Foundation' bit, you also have to wonder, in these remaining days of anonymous commenting, just how busy the PR units of rival networks are in creating or at least adding to the avalanche of comments demanding The Chaser be taken off the air, immediately. Consider this :

An average national audience of 1.54 million watched the show last night.

It smashed its commercial rivals Criminal Minds, The Mentalist and Law and Order: SVU.

It's not just that The Chaser completely dominates its prime time position, advertisers are reluctant to pay what they once did for 30 seconds in Law & Order because they know nearly all of their key target audience of 16 to 35 year olds are watching The Chaser.

The commercial networks, however, could go hard against The Chaser and air something that would pull away probably half of The Chaser's audience. The latest episode of The Daily Show for example. Or The Trailer Park Boys. But to air those shows in prime time, the commercial networks would have to become as subversive as The Chaser, and they won't be doing that anytime soon.


Now, of course, Prime Minister Rudd is getting in on the Public Outrage! about The Chaser.

If Rudd gets really outraged, maybe not so many people will notice the Defence Minister has also quit today.


UPDATE : Incredible, Channel Nine News ran with The Chaser story as its lead. The resignation of the defence minister ranked second in importance.
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"Float The Goat"

This is just one of the reasons why Australians have a soft spot for New Zealanders :

A motor vehicle company in New Zealand announced it was giving away a free goat with every ute sold.

Its public relations man was quoted in the papers as saying, with sheep numbers in decline in New Zealand, it was time to "float the goat".

He talked up their weed-eating abilities and also guaranteed there was zero risk of getting goat flu.

A hugely entertaining week of New Zealand Is Weird stories here.

Yeah, But That's Different....

According to Mumbrella, Channel Nine morning news chose not to report on the Air France mid-air explosion because the same news bulletin was going to be shown on Qantas flights :

A spokesman for Nine sent a brief email to Mumbrella saying: “We never report news involving plane incidents on Qantas inflight news bulletins.”

And yet they have no problem showing terrifying footage of house fires on the evening news to an audience primarily sitting around in houses.

"So The Fat Four Eyes Says To Skinny Four Eyes..."

By Darryl Mason


Are we a racist nation?

That depends. Are you a wog?

Do you eat weird foreign food that dickhead bogans haven't yet realised tastes pretty fucking good?

Do you tend to work harder and longer than most white people of your age group in jobs most of them think are beneath them?

Do you have family traditions of language, song, art and story that go back dozens or even hundreds of generations?

Do you think Australia is the best country on Earth but populated by white people who have no idea just how incredibly lucky they are to live in such a land of opportunity?

Do you see cartoons in newspapers, or catch moments on The Footy Show, or read comments on blogs, or hear bitter old people bitching on talkback radio about what's wrong with "people like them", that debase your ancient racial heritage and think, 'What the fuck? These people have shit for brains. Fuck this for a joke.'

Then yes, Australia probably is a racist nation.

It was a weird juxtaposition to hear Sol Formerly Of Telstra talk about how racist and backward we are as a nation, to be met with widespread shouts of indignant outrage about how very unracist we are, just before 'Chk Chk Clare' got instantly famous for her "There Were These Two Wogs Fighting" tale which, of course was, yeah, maybe racist but that's okay because it was funny, so....

David Penberthy at The Punch thinks Australia is most definitely a racist nation.

The Professional Idiot, naturally, reacts with all the hilarious petulance we've come to expect of those of Dutch descent, and shouts, "No We're Not!"

But the old Australian attitudes towards people who don't look like they'd give up their life to fight in a war because The Queen demanded they do so are changing. You remove most of the bullying from society and most of the racism goes along with it.

As Scott at Grods points out in an excellent essay, 'On Racism', anti-bullying education in Australian schools is making a fundamental difference to how young Australians now view casual racism.

I've noticed Scott doesn't look he's copped much racial abuse in his life, but he does wear glasses, so I wrote this comment :

As a member of the bespectacled, Scott, how would you feel today in the following circumstances :

- A taxi driver asks you to show him on the map where you want to go, but it’s a bit dark, hard to see, you hear the taxi driver mumble under his breath, “Fucking Four Eyes are blind as bats.”

- You exit a building, slip on the stairs, two women nearby laugh to each other, “Those Four Eyes are always so clumsy.”

- You walk into a library, a passer-by shouts derisively, “Hey Four Eyes! You want a wheelbarrow for all your books?”

- You run through the rain, get in a lift, someone cackles, “You really need little wipers on those Coke bottle bottoms, don’t you?”

- You go a fancy dinner for work, the obnoxious office joker keeps coming up to you all night long, holding up three fingers, then two, then four, always asking the same question, “How many fingers am I holding up?” then laughing like a fuckwit while the people you were talking to slink away.

- You go to a restaurant, the waiter sets up the specials board six feet back from your table, he looks at you squinting through your glasses, the waiter says, “Oh, you’re one of them….I’ll bring it closer to you.”

Racism, like bullying, like picking on people who look different to most other people around them, is something most people grow out of, particularly when they're not witnessing it or hearing it from their parents, and the most prominent people in their culture.

I do find it fascinating, though, that those who are the fastest to shout "We Are Not Racist!" are usually those who also thought, still think, going to war and laying waste to races of people is a good, practical idea.

Racism, like bullying, like a belief in war, is immaturity at its most basic.

When the vast majority of Australians give up all three of those beliefs and attitudes, we become a mature nation.


.

Please Give Generously

If only it was the Rudd government filling headlines for throttling the throats of each other, The Professional Idiot could have got 10 or 20 blog posts and thousands of comments out of it, but alas, it was Liberal Vs Liberal biffo and violence and so, he's got nothing :

Journalism : It's This Close To Being Totally Gay

David Penberthy, editor of The Punch, the new Rupert Murdoch media aggregator site, describes a working day at the coalface of modern journalism :

The working day in journalism has so many pockets of variety and reflection that it’s almost too effeminate to describe - coffee runs with colleagues, flicking through magazines, clicking away on websites from here and abroad, going to the roof with a cuppa and a red pen to work on a draft.

Flicking through magazines and having cuppas in the sun is the hardcore pace of modern Murdoch tabloid journalism?

Sounds more like professional blogging.

And this even more frank admission :

Journalists have a saying which is actually more of a truism - that the job is so much fun you would do it for free.

I wouldn't say that truism too loud around Rupert, he's looking for all the free journalists he can get right now.

Rupert Murdoch thinks free journalists and free writers will save his worldwide media empire. Free writers and charging people to read them.

That's the new business model.

Despite The Liberal Party Fight Club, The Left Still Have A Lot To Answer For

By Darryl Mason

Whale-fancying, tree-fondling, raw nut loaf enjoying(-ing) Lefties cannot hide behind their soy carob lattes and hemp curtains any longer. Many important questions have been posed, there must be answers :

What is it with the Left and violence?

What is it with the Left and vomitously vindictive snobbery?

What is it with the left and not being normal????

What is it with the left and censorship?

What is it with the Left and their purely derivative style?

What is it with the Left and Jew-hating, full stop?

What is it with the left and sticking their noses in other peoples lives?

What is it with the left and a complete failure to be witty?

What is it with the left and zero comprehension skills?

What is it with the left and denying undeniable fact?

What is it with the left and excuses?

What is it with the Left and crazies?

And the biggie :

What is it with the left and their total lack of compassion for people and their self centred destructive tendencies that ignore basic principles in relationships, economics, physics, climate etc?

Indeed.

If Rupert Murdoch's hilarious delusions about reader-must-pay content actually becomes reality, one day soon you may have to cough up a few C(arbon)s to read such important political discourse.

John Surname poses a far more relevant question :

What is it with The Right and “what is it with The Left and…”?

To clear up the important differences between whatever the fuck is supposed to constitute being of The Left or The Right in Australia today, if you don't know what a true Leftie is, you're probably one of them.

A Poultry Kind Of Psychopathy

Nationals senator Barnaby Joyce is now the politician most likely to supply Canberra's press gallery with something highly quotable, and funny. He struck gold this morning when commenting on Kevin Rudd :

"The guy's a psycho chook.

"Who in their right mind gets onto a plane and because he doesn't get the right colour birdseed has a spack attack?''

I don't think I've heard 'spack attack' used by an adult since Kylie Mole went off the air, and Barnaby Joyce totally owns 'Psycho Chook' as far as Google is concerned.

Howard-era Liberal Party lingerer, Tony Abbott, also had a bit of a go at Rudd :

"People who know him have always thought that the Milky Bar Kid image was a bit confected," he said.

Get it? Oh, come on! That's genius. Milky Bar, confected, confectionery....nothing?

Ah, forget it. Abbott's multi-layered humour is obviously too deep for the average Ostrahyun.

"Seriously Dude, They Gave Me A Freaking Grant To Watch All 400 Episodes Of The Simpsons!"



By Darryl Mason

It took more than 120 hours of valuable research time to come up with the data for this headline grabbing study but the researchers could have found all the exact same data in half a second by simply searching the words 'The Simpsons smoking' :

One of the most popular television shows in history contains a "large number" of tobacco-related scenes, say researchers who watched 400 episodes of the cartoon for science.

"We recorded 795 instances of smoking or references to smoking," says Dr Guy Eslick, a fellow of the International Union Against Cancer and honorary associate of the University of Sydney's School of Public Health.

"The most notable characters who smoked were Marge Simpson's sisters Patty and Selma, Krusty the Clown and Bart's school teacher Mrs Krabappel."

Actually, according to this list, the first result when you Google 'The Simpsons smoking', Homer Simpson is seen smoking or referring to smoking 25 times, while Mrs Krabapple and cigarettes appear only 23 times.

"Even instances of smoking being reflected in a negative way, particularly among young characters, could have an impact on promoting children to smoke cigarettes," Dr Eslick said.

The study concludes: "Viewing The Simpsons characters smoking may prompt children to consider smoking at an early age".

Interestingly, "795 instances of smoking or references to smoking," is almost exactly the same number you get if you count every mention, reference or allusion to smoking and tobacco in this list.

But this news story claims the researchers only watched the first 18 seasons for their project, yet they came up with almost the same number of smoking references as this recently updated archive, which includes smoking references in seasons 19, 20 and 21.

Imagine that. They could have saved all that precious research time simply by Googling 'The Simpsons Smoking'. It's the Very First Link!

Did the researchers find that archive and then decide to go ahead and watch 400 episodes of The Simpsons anyway?

400 episodes of The Simpsons, running at about 21 minutes each, works out to be about 120 solid hours. Which is the equivalent of getting one researcher to do nothing but watch The Simpsons seven hours a day, five days a week, for almost three solid weeks.

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer my value-price services to any researchers needing to know how many unhealthy meals Tony Soprano grunts his way through in The Sopranos, or how many times made up swear words are used in all seasons of Battlestar Galactica.

I think the more interesting research results would have come from studying what happens to someone who does nothing but watch The Simpsons all day, five days a week, for three weeks.

I know from personal experience back in the early '90s, that even two or three days of solid Simpsons marathon viewing sessions can seriously distort your perceptions of the non-cartoon reality. It's certainly not as colourful.





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Is There A YoLib MC In The House?

What will save the Australian Young Liberals from sliding further into irrelevancy?

PG-friendly, swears-free hip hop of course.

Learn from your American brothers, snap that mike and bust some young conservative rhymes, err...Yo!

Junkie Depopulation Looms

Drug traffickers love war, and recession.

Local illegal drug production usually increases in countries where war and major conflicts close down peacetime economies, and new markets for those drugs open up in countries where recession has stripped away wealth and assets and dignity.

Just as Australia grinds into recession, Afghanistan heroin appears, cheap, potent and about to flood the streets of Sydney and Melbourne, for starters.

This is the end product of Afghanistan's record opium crops of 2007, Even in the midst of war, or because of it, Afghanistan produces more than 90% of the world's opium supply.

A Cause :

There are 157,000 hectares (100 metres squared) of opium fields in Afghanistan producing 7,700 tonnes...of opium and the export value of opium, morphine and heroin at border prices in neighbouring countries for Afghan traffickers was worth $3.4bn last year.

An Effect :

Heroin is back on the streets of Sydney, sparking fears society will soon have to brace itself for the return of daily overdoses.

The Daily Telegraph can reveal the deadly and highly addictive drug is re-emerging and its use increasing after almost a 10-year drought.

Paramedics and emergency department doctors are beginning to treat an increasing number of addicts who have overdosed on heroin.

Unfortunately, high potency Afghan heroin is already finding a fresh market amongst the newly jobless, and homeless. Drug use and abuse booms during hard times.

Apparently, some Sydney junkies are now taking to mixing ice with their smack, and hospital staff are finding overdose victims hard to deal with, some needing three times the normal dose of the anti-opioid Narcan to come down, or back.


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