Thursday, June 12, 2008

Nelson : Boozey Kids More Pissed But Smarter Than You Think

The Rudd government's tax hammer on alcopops was supposed to cut down on teenage binge-drinking. Well, that's what the PM claimed anyway, but we know he is really under the control of the ruthless, heartless Big Wine corporations. Ratchet up the price of alcopops and kids will be forced to turn to Merlot to get their kicks. That was Rudd and Big Wine's conspiratorial plan anyway. But it's backfired.

Opposition leader Brandy Nelson is shocked, stunned, horrified, mortified to discover that teenagers who can no longer afford a six pack of Wild Turkey & Cola have cleverly routed Rudd's cunning tax hike, designed to force youngsters into joining the Chardonnay Set, by....MAKING THEIR OWN ALCOPOPS!

Young people are avoiding buying pre-mixed drinks and are instead mixing their own with more alcohol, Federal Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson says.

"The outcome of this so-called alcopop tax is that the punchbowl is back," Dr Nelson said.

Be warned, the fondue set, salmon mouse and stuffed eggs will surely follow the punchbowl's return to teenage parties.

Because teenagers never thought to mix their own drinks to save money before, Brandy Nelson has done extensive research into this utterly new social phenomenon. Here's what he's learned :

"What young people are now doing is buying full bottles of spirits or they're buying hip flasks, they might buy one bottle of coke, they're mixing them up, they're getting a larger dose of alcohol..."

That's done it. It's not enough that this innovative way of making your own alcopops is already spreading like New York City herpes through MySpace and chatrooms, now Brandy Nelson has gone and opened his big mouth to the national media.

You're not allowed to publish recipes for cooking up crystal meth, but Brandy Nelson sees no harm in telling the children of Australia how to homemake alcopops. And he calls himself a doctor! The hypocrisy...

UPDATE : In other Australian booze related news, a Queensland carpenter stopped to take a roadside toilet break. He dropped his pants, squatted down in the bush and let go. The snake he was dumping on wasn't happy, and sank its fangs into his gear :
"I thought I was gone," Cairns carpenter Daryl Zutt said of his now notorious encounter with a brown snake during a roadside toilet stop in remote Far North Queensland."I thought, ‘Maybe, this is it. Maybe, I’m gonna cark it’."

So he did what any red-blooded Australian bloke would do when he finds fang marks on his cock and knows he is staring sudden death in the face. He went for the rum. But he didn't drink it, he used the cold can of rum to ease the pain of the bite, while his mates raced him to hospital :

"I squatted down … I reckon I must’ve nearly sat on his head," he said.

"As soon as I felt it, I yelled. It really hurt. When it happened, I knew in the back of my mind it was a snake. I seen him coming out from between my legs."

Yeah, we've all had that dream. Especially after rum.