Election 2007 Exclusive : The Dirtiest Dirt From The "Dirt Sheets"

Anyone who's been paying attention already knows that the coming federal election is going to be preceded by the dirtiest, grubbiest campaign in living memory. How bad is it going to get? How desperate will Labor and Liberal "dirt units" get in their attempts to smear opponents? How low will they go?

While we cannot verify any of the following claims, we have decided to fearlessly publish these leaked excerpts from the notorious "dirt sheets" that Labor and Liberal party attack dogs have already compiled.

It is our hope that now the worst details of the "dirt sheets" from both sides of politics have been made public, they will all be left with no choice but to base their campaigns on policy, honesty and a vision to build a better future for the next generations of Australians.

Prepare yourselves. It's not pretty, but it's necessary to clear the air.


John Howard

"buys expensive wine for Kirribilli House functions and then decants it into cheaper bottles so it doesn't look like he's being frivolous with taxpayers' money"

"gets piggy backs from his security personnel on his morning walks, but only when the media is not around"

"calls talk back radio, fakes an even older man's voice and says people should vote for John Howard because Kevin Rudd wants to make fried chicken feet the national dish"

"has a secret MySpace account with 2200 friends, who all list 'Shaved Pandas' as their main interest"

"is lying to Peter Costello about an orderly handover of power because he has four clones of himself aged 40, 30, 25 and 18 in cold storage, and will have his brain transplanted into each one in turn so he can continue to rule Australia until 2060."

"has special collection of 'Good Luck' underpants emblazoned with images of Robert Menzies"

"has been spotted at gay bath houses disguised as Peter Costello"


Kevin Rudd

"Calls John Howard 'Captain Botox' behind his back"

"Laughs during the most gruesome horrible moments of The Sopranos, and shouts 'Get some!'"

"gets wasted on vanilla essence, claiming 'I'm just making a cake!' and wipes his naked bottom against TV screens when John Howard is being interviewed on 7.30 Report"

"has told Canberra press gallery journalists that if they help him get elected, he will make sure the contract for the press gallery canteen goes to Krispy Kreme"

"calls talk back radio, fakes a female voice and declares 'Kevin Rudd makes me feel warm all over'"

"orders pizzas containing nothing but olives and anchovies"

"told Russian President Vladimir Putin during the APEC conference 'I once saw Howard clipping President Bush's toenails...with his teeth'"

"has been spotted at gay bath houses disguised as Tony Abbott"


Alexander Downer

"once embarrassed himself at a Chinese banquet in Beijing when he shouted 'enough with the fucking rice!'"

"calls Kevin Rudd's mobile phone in the middle of the night and leaves variations of the following message : 'Alexander Downer would make a great foreign minister you know'"

"watches videos of himself being interviewed on Lateline whilst laying naked on the lounge"

"likes to pass wind in hotel elevators during international conferences before saying 'Don't look at me, I've got diplomatic immunity'"

"has been spotted at gay bath houses disguised as Kevin Rudd"


Julia Gillard

"is fermenting secret plan to challenge Kevin Rudd for the leadership during the election night victory party"

"wants to officially designate fellow bloodnuts as 'special people' and introduce RedHeads Only national public holiday"

"is responsible for spreading rumours that Tony Abbott has life-sized crucifix in his bedroom, with a sculpture of himself on the cross, smiling"

"wants to introduce legislation where employees will determine pay and working conditions for their bosses"

"pronounces the insult 'fuckwit' as 'fuck...wit'"

"has been spotted at gay bath houses disguised as Kevin Rudd"


Peter Garrett

"once ran over a koala bear and then ate it to hide the evidence"

"is planning to refer to John Howard during entire election campaign as 'that long haired prime minister'"

"opposes US bases in every country except Australia"

"told colleagues he is going to 'woodchip' Bob Brown for calling him a hypocrite"

"has been spotted at gay bath houses disguised as Malcolm Turnbull"


Malcolm Turnbull

"plans to challenge Kevin Rudd for the leadership of the Labor Party during the election night victory party"

"has been spotted at gay bath houses disguised as Joe Hockey"


There. Now everybody knows the dirty secrets. Except for the ones we're holding back for Part Two.