Keeping Communities Safer By Making Pies Cooler

Auckland policeman, and sage philosopher, Guy Baldwin asks a late night poignant question :

"It's three o' clock in the morning, you're buying a pie from the BP service station...what must you always do?"

Not surprisingly, this clip is going viral, fast. T-shirts first, then the refit Hitler Downfall clip.

From ABC News :

The line "always blow on the pie" is now printed on t-shirts which are for sale around Auckland.

Sergeant Baldwin says he was not being serious.

"As a policeman if we can make people laugh then great because in reality what we do isn't funny," he said.

BP service stations in New Zealand must be stoked. The smart ones will quickly put up ;-) signs to cash in.

Though they'll have to be careful in the wording.

Telling customers "We've Already Blown On These Pies" won't help sales.

(via garykemble)

Come On In, Stay The Hell Out

Is Kevin Rudd's flippy stance on asylum seekers a future-focused strategy to make him more popular? Or less?

Kevin Rudd, October 2006 :

"Another great challenge of our age is asylum seekers. The biblical injunction to care for the stranger in our midst is clear. The parable of the Good Samaritan is but one of many which deal with the matter of how we should respond to a vulnerable stranger in our midst.

"We should never forget that the reason we have a UN convention on the protection of refugees is in large part because of the horror of the Holocaust, when the West (including Australia) turned its back on the Jewish people of Germany and the other occupied countries of Europe who sought asylum during the '30s."

Kevin Rudd, October 2009 :

"I make absolutely no apology whatsoever for taking a hard-line on illegal immigration to Australia".

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"...this Government makes no apology whatsoever for the fact that we have a tough line on asylum seekers"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"(The Liberal Party) is a party without one skerrick of moral compass when it comes to people smuggling", he said.

As Chris Ulhmann, on ABC OffAir, makes clear, in a crystal clear deconstruction of Rudd's religious politicism :

The Opposition's compass at least has the virtue of pointing, roughly, in one direction.

The Government has softened Australia's stance towards asylum seekers and it is determined to maintain strong border protection. These are not mutually exclusive propositions and there are defensible, reasons for doing both.

But confronted with a rising tide of boat people it panicked because it was scared its policy changes would be blamed for the influx and the electorate would punish it.

Rudd's moral compass on asylum seekers now appears to be spinning crazily, searching for the strongest attraction.

But when RuddGov's poll numbers fall five or six points in the next few weeks, and the TurnOpp stages its biggest poll boost this year, will Kevin Rudd be upset?

Or happy?

I'm going with happy.

Rudd doesn't want to go into the 2010 federal elections with 70% of Australians favouring him as prime minister. Where's the challenge in that?

He'll be even happier when the heated protests by die-hard RuddLabor voters, appalled at his fliporama on asylum seekers, begin.

If they begin....

The Late Show On Violence :

Storm In A Palestinian Sperm Bank Sample Cup

By Darryl Mason

Probably the funniest thing about the debut of John Safran's new series Race Relations was the tailored warning to sensitive viewers from the ABC's Director of Television, Kim Dalton, "urging conservative viewers not to watch the program" :

"If you think you are going to be offended or outraged (or want to be offended or outraged) then don’t tune in," Kim Dalton says.

More bias from the ABC.

Why should conservatives get tailor-made viewer warnings from ABC directors that a show might contain 'liberal' content that may cause them offence? Where are the viewer warnings for Lefties when Piers Akerman makes an appearance on Insiders?

In the end, Safran's Race Relations proved to be wholly uncontroversial, and far milder than most were led to believe by tabloid media hype and a concerted effort to whip up more Chaseresque MoralOutrage! hysteria before the first episode even aired.

According to this story, only five complaints were received by the ABC over Race Relations, even though an audience of more than 700,000 tuned in, mostly people under the age of 30.

It's not that there wasn't challenging content in the show, it's that the public seems well bored by the kind of confected controversy that click-bait hungry online media try to whip up on a nearly daily basis now.

The ruse didn't work this time, Australians refused to play along, and in the end Race Relations debuted with barely a whimper of MoralOutrage!

It will be worth watching to see how the rest of Race Relations unfolds, but it feels like they're giving far too much away in the promos. Burning away at our interest, our curiosity about what Safran is going to get up to next. The constant promos are like spoiler material, killing the surprises to come. Oh look, Safran blacks up next week, and when is the episode on when he goes on dates as a chick, or as the Elephant Man?

Hearing for weeks that John Safran masturbates over a photo of Barack Obama was a lot funnier than actually seeing it done.

It's not enough to simply make us cringe. That's far too easy. Safran's big missions is to challenge our minds, our prejudices and our beliefs with his look at inter-racial love and relationships in a world where the White Man-Dominated 20th Century is already fading fast in the rear-view mirror of history.


The Full First Episode Of Race Relations Is Here

He Loved Your Faces

One of the last clips of the now dead Don Lane, before dementia demolished his mind. What a stunning moment of Australian live TV this Grant Page car hit was :



I still have video-vivid memories of Don Lane trying to interview a thrillingly manic Robin Williams; Evil Kneivel boasting about his abandoned plans to sleep with Elizabeth Taylor and dive out of a airplane without a parachute; Hunter S. Thompson, his coat draped over his shoulder, announcing something like "What The Fuck Am I Doing With This On My Fucking Shoulder" (stunningly, the swear word went to air, excitement!) and Doris Stokes, playing her Other Side medium illusions for all they were worth, but also helping audience members to grieve for those they'd lost, some crying about a dead parent, or child, for the first time.

Fantastic viewing, whether you were 8 or 78.

Does anybody else remember Don Lane calling phone boxes in New York or London and telling the person who answered they were now talking live on Australian TV? Brilliant. How innovative such a simple international phone call seemed back then. And how full of eight- year-old outrage and scorn we were at school the next day when someone who answered in the US had asked "Ahhstroolarn? Where's that?" How could they not know?

Thank you, Mr Lane. You did a great show.

Here's a tribute, of sorts, to Don Lane by Paul Hogan, from the mid-1980s :




.

I Spy An Eye On Mars

By Darryl Mason

In three decades of aerial and ground exploration of the surface of Mars, millions of photographs have been generated and released, with the human mind finding some very familiar things in all those often strange surface details of our closest planetary neighbour.

So far, we've had 'The Young Face' On Mars :



The Not So 'Red Planet' Anymore Mars :



The 'Woman' On Mars :



The 'Human Skull' On Mars :



The 'Doorway' On Mars :



The 'Pyramids' Of Mars :



The 'Lake & Shrubs' On Mars :



And now we have The Eye Of Mars :



More On The Eye On Mars Here

You see what you want to see.


.

'Gullzilla' Invades Melbourne

Fantastic :



I guess this proves the backgrounds on Channel Nine's 6pm News, at least, are live.

Rudd Government Pre-Announces End Of Australia's Involvement In The War On Afghanistan

The short version is this : we are fighting an unwinnable war in Afghanistan, everybody knows it, particularly the Taliban, and US President Obama is unlikely to deploy the tens of thousands of additional soldiers the Pentagon is now demanding.

Unofficially, negotiations with the Taliban have already begun, with a gestating NATO plan to pay its fighters, and warlord aligned allies, not to blow up or shoot foreign troops, as the French had been doing secretly for years. Paying the enemy not to try and kill you is a strategy that proved successful with the Sunni-dominated insurgency in Iraq.

Defence Minister John Faulkner appears to have already gotten the word that Australia's role in the Afghanistan war is set to wind down, fast, and before leaving for a NATO meeting on the war, Faulkner pre-announced the news to the media, and the public, in preparation for the official announcements that will soon follow :

....Faulkner says he is exploring options to get Australian troops out of Afghanistan earlier than expected.

Australia has around 1,500 troops in Afghanistan, where they are mainly focused on training a fourth brigade of the Afghan National Army. No specific date has been set for their return.

More Here

Australia's pre-announce makes international headlines, with the announcement from Faulkner set to feed into heated debate in the US and the UK about their reluctance to commit more troops.

Raw Story :

Barnaby Joyce : "If I'm Not Barnaby Joyce, Then Who Am I?"

The ABC's Virginia Trioli on Nationals senator Barnaby Joyce :



Barnaby Joyce :

"Maybe I am crazy. Maybe this isn't parliament but an asylum. And if I'm not Barnaby, who am I? And then, who is Barnaby? If I am crazy, it would explain a lot about this place."

I'd like to hear more from the Existential Barnaby Joyce.

Virginia Trioli and Barnaby Joyce on Insiders in 2005 :

VIRGINIA TRIOLI: Barnaby....Kim Beazley, the Opposition Leader, mentioned to me on Friday that he thinks you're a spent political force, that you've been bought off left, right and centre.... How do you respond?

SENATOR BARNABY JOYCE: I respect that he would have a very good position to make a judgment like that.

VIRGINIA TRIOLI: You're learning, mate, you're learning!

They've been sparring, happily, for years.

Barnaby Joyce uses the controversy kicked off by Trioli's unprofessionalism to good effect in this piece published at The Punch :

If You Think I'm Crazy, Take A Look At The ETS

Virginia Trioli apologised to Joyce yesterday (or begged for his forgiveness), and apologised on ABC 2 this morning.

@craigreucassel, on Twitter :

"(I admire) the way Virginia Trioli helps the hearing impaired understand a Barnaby Joyce interview."

.

Advancing Democracy Through Terrorism

The Australian's editor, Chris Mitchell, has a peculiar take on the terrorist attack that targeted and killed military leaders in Iran over the weekend :

"....no matter how destabilising, the suicide bombing may do little to advance democracy in Iran."

Have suicide bombings advanced democracy in other countries of the Middle East?


.

I Can't Remember Saying That I Don't Recall That I Said I Forgot I Can't Recall All I Have Strategically Forgotten

By Darryl Mason

The Sydney Morning Herald claims Bill Clinton was The Master Of The "I Don't Recall" Defence.

I disagree.

He might not be as famous as the ex-president, but Howard government foreign minister minister Alexander Downer was the fucking Yoda of 'total unrecall'. As he fastidiously proved during the hearings into how the Australian Wheat Board ended up bribing the Saddam Hussein regime with hundreds of millions of dollars, and continued to bribe the regime even while Australian soldiers and special forces were fighting in Iraq.

Here's just a sample of Alexander Downer responses, in 2006, to questions about how he didn't notice all those truckloads of AWB cash reaching Saddam Hussein, given all the memos and warnings that streamed across Alexander Downer's desk, for years :

“I don't recall.”

“I don’t recall.”

“I don’t recall.”

“I just don’t recall.”

“No, not that I can recall at all.”

“I can't recall my state of mind when I read the document...”

“I don't recall being given that information.”

“Well, I simply do not recall.”

"I would have thought I'd have remembered it, but I don't recall.”

“No, I don’t recall that.”

“I don't recall them saying that.”

“I don't recall them saying that to me.”

“I could have done, but I don't recall it.”

“I am only in a position to tell you what I recall of the conversation, which is very sketchy....”

“I don't recall it being brought to my attention, but it is possible it could have been.”

“Yes, I don't recall that being discussed, but I simply do not recall it is all I can say.”

“I don't remember precisely...”

“My recollection is of a much more general nature.”

“I have no recollection of it.”

“I just can't recall it at all.”

And the classic :

“I can't, of course, recall.”

I imagine Alexander Downer will give very similar responses when he has to face questioning during the Inquiry Into The Reasons For The Iraq War (or whatever it will be called), which should hopefully get started in early 2011.

.

This Is Local News The Way The World Wants To Read It

Yes, we all know that the Northern Territory News is the best newspaper in Australia, and it's not just because they focus on the stories that really matter :



It's the best newspaper because the Northern Territory has the most interesting and entertaining locals. And journalists who know Local News Gold when they hear it.

The NTN struck Local News Gold twice in recent weeks, with the tale of the $5 Blow Job That Was Most Definitely Not Given and The Cat That Calls Its Owner "Fuck Prick"

Both stories were picked up by aggregators like Reddit and Twitter, and read and enjoyed across the world.

But the NTN has to take a bold stand and stop **** all the swear words in their stories. They're censoring the true character of the Northern Territorians they're quoting in the tales.

For stylistic purposes, The Orstrahyun has uncensored them.

No $5 Blow Job Given :

Allyson White said the standout burn mark left by her seatbelt across her chest was proof the claims of "amorous activities" with the driver were not true.

"I was not sucking his dick - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest," she said.

"Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his dick unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a fucking rubber neck.

"If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarrassing, I got caught sucking someone's dick' - but it is not true and that's what is pissing me off.

"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me.

"But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job."

'Hey Fuck Prick, My Bowl Is Empty' :

A Territory man claims his pet cat can speak English, with a vocabulary of seven different words so far.

"He can say seven words all up: mum, no, now, what, fuck, prick and why.

"In the evening time, if you don't drop whatever you're doing and pay attention to him, he calls you 'fuck prick'. If he really cracks the shits, he'll piss in his drinking water just to let you know he's really shitty."

The foul-mouthed feline doesn't take non-attention kindly. During the Duncans' wedding it swore at guests.

Mr Duncan said the guests were pre-warned, so "they pretty much ignored him".

It's been a long time since I've been to a wedding where we were pre-warned to ignore a swearing cat.

Both stories must be read in full.

I was wrong. I will pay to read online news, but only if it comes from the NTN.

.

Murdoch Media : How To Spot A Global Warming 'Conspiracy Theorist'


image sourced from here

From news.com.au :

Global Warming conspiracy theory

This theory claims the science behind current environmental changes - as popularised by Al Gore in the film An Inconvenient Truth - was created for financial gain.

Some believe that governments are using the global warming "myth" to raise taxes and restrict competitive US businesses in Europe - or that it is a United Nations ploy to create a one-world government.

Now you know.

,

We Only Do Business With Freedom-Hating Communists To Make Them More Free, Or Something

By Darryl Mason

It's taken a while but finally, he's done it. The Professional Idiot is now using Fox News' Glenn Beck as a source of wisdom, and revelation :



Glenn Beck is, of course, the American version of Andrew Bolt, but with more tears, and only slightly more whining.

Bolt's boss, Rupert Murdoch, has bent over backwards (perhaps even frontwards) in recent years trying to do business with the Communists spawned by Mao.

Only a few days ago, Murdoch was literally begging the Communists to save his media empire by allowing him to expand into China. The last time he tried to do that, he lost a few billion.

Unfortunately, Rupert Murdoch didn't have the time to denounce the philosophy of Mao - as The Idiot and Glenn Beck think everyone should do - to his Chinese hosts while he was in Beijing.

Maybe next time.

92% Of Australians Don't Enjoy The Trailor Park Boys And Bacon Dipped In Chocolate

The Daily Telegraph :



"Demon weed"?

This sort of thing was done so much better in the 1940s :

Won't You Be My Friend?

The NSW Liberals have launched a campaign where you can 'join' the party, by paying $15. The first benefit is you don't have to actually attend any meetings. That news alone has NSW Liberal Party supporters (or photo models) leaping for joy :



Look how happy this guy is :



The Liberals have once again found a red-headed woman named Pauline to advocate their policies, but this time she seems far less...intense :



If only Malcolm Turnbull could whip up that level of enthusiasm for the Liberals, federally.

Fade Out



Alleged West Australian blogger 'JF Beck' finds something better to do, and, as is becoming all but standard practice now, closes down comments at his old blog :


Why?

Barring last minute technical hitches, from Monday I'll be blogging from Asian Correspondent. Beck is moving into the mainstream...

The best of luck to JF Beck for his future at Asian Correspondent, regardless of who is funding it.

Correction : the photo above confirms JF Beck is male. Post corrected accordingly.

UPDATE : JF Beck's first post on Asian Correspondent, where he has apparently gone "mainstream", seeks to confuse readers, at best, about who any of these people are. Will anybody care?

Considering that Pure Poison, Ziegler's blog, exists as a lame Lefty response to Tim Blair and Andrew Bolt, Australia's gun bloggers, his comment is hilarious (not to mention exceedingly inane).

The Lefty whine-fest that is Pure Poison is never going to be as successful as Blair and Bolt.

"Gun bloggers"?

Like I said, the best of luck.

Kevin Rudd's promise to provide access to a laptop for all primary school students in Australia would have made Australia the first country in the world to do so.

But Uruguay got there first, and went one better :

Uruguay has become the first country to provide a laptop for every child attending state primary school.

President Tabaré Vázquez presented the final XO model laptops to pupils at a school in Montevideo on 13 October.

Over the last two years 362,000 pupils and 18,000 teachers have been involved in the scheme.

The "Plan Ceibal" (Education Connect) project has allowed many families access to the world of computers and the internet for the first time.

Now that's an education revolution. And no Windows for these laptops. Free and easy Linux instead.

Rupert Murdoch Is The King Of Climate Change Fearmongery

By Darryl Mason

An excerpt from a Murdoch media corporate video explaining how global warming awareness, 'climate panic' and carbon neutrality, was seeded into some of the most popular, most world-widely watched shows on TV :



The next time you hear someone ranting about kids and youth having been 'brainwashed' by climate change activists, remind them that Rupert Murdoch news media, movies and TV shows have been responsible for most of the Climate Panic overload. And they did it all, because that's what the boss wanted.

Murdoch employs so-called 'Global Warming Deniers' to write Australian newspaper blogs and front (only some) Fox News shows because he knows it is profitable to sometimes play both sides of a majorly controversial debate, and if he doesn't feed that minority of 'deniers', they will go elsewhere to get the news they're looking for.

Rupert Murdoch Wants Earth Hour To Become Earth Month - Tim Blair & Andrew Bolt Pretend Not To Notice

Murdoch Spreads More Eco-Alarmism - 90% Of World's Population Gone Within 100 Years If Global Warming Isn't Stopped

Catherine Deveny at the Festival Of Dangerous Ideas :

"We're in the grip of an epidemic of comfort as the enemy of Art. Painters are jumping out work hoping to become the next Ken Donne. Writers aren't crafting books but churning out self congratulatory blogs which are nothing more than a shrine to their raging narcissism."

More videos from the Festival Of Dangerous Ideas here.