"We're Not Dead Yet"

Panicky kids. A retired couple can't even go away for a weekend without the cops being called and a police media conference being held at the couples' "abandoned" house. Good thing the "missing", presumed murdered, old couple turned up when they did.

Just as the "we think they're dead" media conference was about to start.

A fantastic good news story, with some of the best quotes of the week :

The signs weren't good. The couple had been missing since Thursday, their house was unlocked, their pet dog abandoned, and their home in disarray. But with the Homicide Squad about to make a media appeal for information, in drove the couple in their orange Kombi van, blissfully unaware of the fuss they'd caused.

The disappearance was out of character, so police rallied the media at the couple's house, and were just about to begin their public appeal, when who should appear. As the faithful orange Kombi chugged into the driveway, Mrs Ostell was just as shocked as the strangers on her lawn.

HEATHER OSTELL: Oh look, my heart just went down to my feet. I just couldn't imagine what had happened.

First Mrs Ostell had to weather a chiding from her daughter, who sprinted through the media pack to meet them.

HEATHER OSTELL: She screamed at me (laughs). She just screamed at me, "where have you been?" And she's very upset naturally and shaking, and so I'm going to have to make my peace with her in a moment.

The daughter asked the question usually reserved for parental inquisitions, why didn't they call?

HEATHER OSTELL: Would you believe we forgot the charger? (laughs)

The Homicide Squad's Charlie Bezzina was relieved at an outcome he rarely gets to enjoy.

CHARLIE BEZZINA: These are the good news stories we like, and it's just a breakdown in communications....I'd rather be inconvenienced nine times out of 10, rather than get bad news.

Mrs Ostell says she did feel odd hearing police were looking for her body, but she was proud of their work.

HEATHER OSTELL: Yes, but at least they'd picked out a nice photograph. I thought, "Well if I was dead, I'm glad they picked out a nice picture".

Do you have a nice picture of yourself ready and waiting for the police to hand to the media if you're ever abducted, murdered in a forest or disappear forever into a chink of the space-time continuium? Your relatives can't be trusted not to pick that photo of you blind-drunk and passed out on the lounge from Christmas Day, 1992. How else do you think some of those horrendous photos of missing people get into the newspapers and on the evening news?

An MP3 of the story can be snatched here