C.R.A.P

Senior Liberal Threatens "Bloodbath" If Joe Hockey Isn't Axed For Being Too Nice

How ugly and bizarre has conservative politics become in Australia when you can be lambasted and told to fuck off for being too popular and emphatic?

A senior Liberal Party staffer, who acts as an advisor to a minister of the Liberal Shadow Ministry (let's take a wild guess here....a member of Scott Morrison's staff?) posted this at the Menzies House website. It was quickly deleted, but not quickly enough (excerpts) :

The most interesting development in the Liberal Party of the last fortnight has not been the “silent pause gaffe” by Tony Abbott when confronted by journalist Mark Riley. It is, in fact, Joe Hockey’s decision to undermine his Liberal colleague Scott Morrison, and contradict official party policy on the issue of taxpayer funds being used to ferry asylum seekers across the country.

This is a day of remembrance of a tragedy, and we all feel great sympathy for those affected by the recent horrific events. Yet Hockey attempted to manipulate this and grandstand for his own personal advantage. And that is unacceptable. To take advantage of an event such as this to advance your own personal agenda is simply beyond the pale.

This is the demonstrated proof that Joe Hockey is completely ill-equipped to ever be a member of the leadership team of the Liberal Party. In fact, it is the last straw, after a string of gaffes and failures, and our parliamentary team is furious.

Joe Hockey has a teddy bear-like appearance and demeanour. He appealed to many viewers when he appeared on the Sunrise programme with Kevin Rudd. He no doubt enjoys a strong relationship with many journalists. To the average person in the street, Joe Hockey probably comes across as a likeable fellow.

It’s now well past the point of being an amusing joke. We are the Party that gave Australia Peter Costello as our Treasurer. We pride outselves on our economic managment. To say to voters that we propose Joe Hockey be the next Liberal Treasurer is an incomprehensible fall from grace - and a stain on our reputation that will not easily be fixed.

It is no secret that many Liberal MP's desire a new Shadow Treasurer who does not activly attack the Party line; Someone who does not seek personal attention at every waking turn; Someone who can stay true to Liberal values of small government when formulating policy.

We are beyond the point of backbencher despair - we are at the point of open revolt. While Shadow Cabinet can continue to put on a brave face, there can be no denying the panic that is spreading through the ranks as members view the destruction Hockey is causing. There can be no doubt that there needs to be a mechanism found quickly within the party to replace Hockey as Shadow Treasurer without resulting in a wider bloodbath...

After all, we have a far safer pair of hands ready in Andrew Robb - an MP with a proven track record of competence, combined with a consistent history of supporting Liberal Party values and fighting for smaller government.

The replacement might be messy, but the public have come to expect something a lot better from the Liberal Party in such a vital area.

Enough is enough. The Joe Hockey circus must come to an end. The Australian people deserve more. The Liberal Party deserves more. Hockey must go - and soon.

Here's what Joe Hockey said that has so infuriated so many of his Liberal Party colleagues :

"I would never seek to deny a parent or a child from saying goodbye to their relative.

"No matter what the colour of your skin, no matter what the nature of your faith, if your child has died or a father has died, you want to be there for the ceremony to say goodbye.

"I totally understand the importance of this to those families.

"I think we, as a compassionate nation, have an obligation to ensure that we retain our humanity during what is a very difficult policy debate."

That's it.

Wow. It's like the Liberals are trying to rebrand themselves as the Complete Fucking Arseholes Party. But why?

Did it even occur to this moron that one of the main reasons why the Coalition is (briefly) leading the Labor Party in (some) polls is because people are hearing a diversity of views & opinions coming from the conservative ranks, instead of the lock-step brain freeze infecting Labor?

UPDATE : A suggestion on a more practical rebranding for the Liberals : Complete Raving Arseholes Party (CRAP).

How About "All They Got Left Is A Bag Of Loose Change And Some Crisps"?

News.com.au has the exclusive on the sorry state of Liberal Party finances :



But the Daily Telegraph must have decided "last $3 million" wasn't dramatic enough, so they improved it :



It's no great drama. Liberal Party leader Tony Abbott can't pull the corporate donors like...well, let's just say Malcolm Turnbull, and when Tony Abbott is replaced as leader by... well, let's just say Malcolm Turnbull, the corporate donors will return in force.

The Drum reader Koesonya explains how to be The Opposition :

- Australia didn't sink in the GFC : Thanks to the Howard years.
- Govt carbon trading suggestion : Great Big New Tax
- Govt pointing out that it used to be Oppn policy : that was different!
- Govt being repeatedly defeated in the senate on above : Turncoats, gutless liars
- Oppn suggesting an extra tax on *non polluters* instead of emission trading:
economically sensible solution
- Govt introducing maternity leave : Mickey Mouse solution
- Oppn suggesting a new tax for the same : sensible option
- Govt not taking over hospitals : breaking promises
- Govt taking over hospitals : power grab
- Govt claiming GST for above : money grab
- Govt taxing cigarettes : Great Big ... ummm ... silence
- Govt taxing extraordinary mining profits : Great Big New Tax!
- Govt decreasing corporate tax : ... silence
- Govt presenting the budget: Won't work! Liars! Great Big New Tax! Debt crisis! Armageddon!

That about covers it.

"The Liberals Are Back!"

@AlexHawkeMP favourites this brilliantly accurate, only slightly exaggerated, take on last week's Liberal Party Meltdown from Hungry Beast :



When the next Newspoll shows a 10 point two party preferred leap for the Liberals, you are going to see that headline all over the media....Well, The Australian anyway.

The Libs should move fast and get that phrase, "The Liberals Are Back!", into their advertising as soon as the Newspoll results are out.

It works, and it will also provide plenty of fodder for the satirists.

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Tony Abbott's office denies hot Canberra rumours that this will be the Liberal Party's 2010 federal election campaign theme :






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Stop Laughing, This Is Serious Now

By Darryl Mason



The Rudd government will move fast to a federal election - March 2010 - on the off chance that Tony Abbott will quickly find a comfortable zone of support to build on amongst the Australian public. That off chance is in fact a good chance.

We will now be introduced to Tony 'Reasonable Guy' Abbott. The humble man, a man who has faith in God and himself, but wants to Save This Country From The SmugRudd.

This is exactly how the Liberal Party will market Abbott through the election.

Tony The Reasonable Vs Rudd The Smug.

And that approach will work better than you might imagine.

* The Liberal Party will get a boost in the polls, thanks to Tony Abbott. And it will be big enough to shock the poll watchers and cause some nervous titters in the federal government. I say about a 10 point leap for the Libs.

* Tony Abbott, in his first press conference as leader of the Liberal Party, has clearly been practicising his "I'm A Reasonable Guy, I Am" face. Which probably means, at least for a few weeks, the end of those chilling Abbott Death Stare.

* The five key issues Abbott will fight the first quarter 2010 federal election on are those he hooked into at the start of his press conference : delaying the ETS/Carbn Tax, Rudd's Schools Refurbishment Program, The RuddNet, Interest Rates, WorkChoices/Industrial Relations.

* Abbott claims nobody will ever mention "the phrase 'WorkChoices'" again. Fat chance. Abbott will simply rename the reintroduction of Howard's WorkChoices 'Fuck The Workers' policy something else. But the Australian public won't forget.

* Abbott is reminded by journo that he has referred to the reality of climate change as "crap."

"It was a bit of hyperbole, it's not my considered position," he replied.

Does Tony Abbott believe in climate change now? Yes, yes he does.

"(saying climate change was "crap")....was in the context of a heated discussion, where I was trying to argue people around. I do think climate change is real, and that man does make a contribution. The essential point here...is the mechanism for dealing with climate change. We should not be rushing through a new tax so Kevin Rudd has something to take to Cophenhagen."

Tony Abbott's position on the carbon tax yesterday, according to Annnabel Crabbe :

In the face of Mr Hockey's insistence that the matter be a conscience vote, Mr Abbott eventually lost his temper.

"So," he summarised bitterly.

"Malcolm Turnbull's for the ETS. I'm against the ETS. And Joe - nobody knows what the fuck you stand for."

Abbott : "I accept at times I have stuffed up. I also believe that when you become leader, you make a new start. The Australian public is very fair, and they are always ready to give the leader of a political party a fair go."

And they will. Watch the polls next week.

* Abbott The Apologist : "I should take this opportunity to apologise for all my mistakes of the past."

Abbott thinks reality is a confessional booth, and all sins are immediately absolved.

Andrew Bolt's verdict on Tony Abbott :

"unelectable"

That's pretty much what everyone in the media thought, just last night.

News.com.au PreNews Fail earlier today :



Not an unreasonable headline to drop into the system in preparation. The entire press gallery appeared to believe Hockey would win the leadership. I can't think of anyone who predicted Abbott would win. Let me know in comments if you find someone who did.

This is the first thing I wrote as a theme note for this post :

Welcome to the New Ugly Age of Liberal Party Religious Extremism.

Things are about to get very, very nasty indeed.

I don't think they will, after watching the Abbott press conference. They might get shouty, but I think Abbott really does believe, with a self-righteous fervour he appears to have learned to conceal overnight, that he can actually win an election against Kevin Rudd. But he won't win it by hammering Muslims and immigration and embracing, thankfully, nasty minority views.

The truth is, the Rudd government has had a pretty easy time of it, as far as formidable attacks from the Opposition goes, these past two years.

Tony Abbott has polished up his People Skills, and has already debuted his Reasonable Guy persona for the media. We will now see the soft and cuddly Abbott, edged with just enough venom to batter and sometimes better Rudd and Gillard.

Abbott wants to win. And he thinks he can. He Believes He Can Do It.

Look, if anyone in Australia still believes in actual miracles, Tony Abbott is amongst their number.

Can he do it?

Note - The above was mostly written as events unfolded, that's why it reads like a bunch of notes. It is. I just hate the look of 'UPDATE' appearing all over a post. A little * is less intrusive. Something more coherent coming on my theory that Abbott will tone down his religious extremism, not ramp it up. Australians are clearly sick of that kind of crap, the polls show it, the Libs know it. So it will be Tony The Humble Vs Rudd The Smug.

This will be the real battle in parliament. Rudd Vs Gillard. They've been sparring and flirting for years :





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Twitterocracy

By @DarrylMason

Deputy PM, Julia Gillard, on Insiders :

"(A leader) can't govern the nation by tweet."

And yet, one day we will probably be voting by Twitter, using laptop thumbprint or iris scanners. Gillard :

People don't expect their politicians to just text out a message.

Imagine, you know, "What do you think the defence budget should be?" And apparently a whole lot of tweets come back and you accept that. That's not leadership."

It's not leadership. But it's an interesting way to get some instant unfiltered feedback, which is exactly what (pending) Liberal Party leader Joe Hockey did last week on Twitter :

Hey team re The ETS. Give me your views please on the policy and political debate. I really want your feedback.

Julia Gillard, of course, is not on Twitter. Yet.

If you're not on it, you don't get it. And even when you are on it, you still won't get it for a while. And then, one day, whap! you realise what Twitter is all about, what it can do, and, perhaps more importantly, what it can do for you.

David Speers, political editor of Sky News, has a great piece on political reporting through 140 character messages :

Now it's all about Twitter.

And here everyone can play along. If you "follow" the right people, anyone can have a front-row seat. The role of Twitter in providing information during the Mumbai terrorist attack and the Iranian election has been well documented.

But last week we saw Twitter seriously step up to the plate in Australian political reporting for the first time.

New developments, big and small, along with pithy comments were constantly "tweeted" by plugged in journalists around the clock. While still relying on party sources for major developments, I picked up a lot of good information from journalists I trust on Twitter.

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Like anything to do with press-gallery journalism, there's a healthy dose of competition when it comes to Twitter.

Every journo wants to be the first to tweet something new and there's nothing more embarrassing than thinking you have, only to scroll down and see The Australian's Samantha Maiden posted the same thing 15 minutes ago.

But there's also an interesting spirit of information sharing among competing journalists.

I didn't have much time last week to see or the news during the day, but checking into Twitter once an hour (or a few times an hour when the action in Canberra was heating up), gave me what felt like a front row seat to the historically explosive flurry of activity in the halls and backrooms of Parliament House, as press gallery journalists not only competed with each other to be the first on radio or TV with breaking news, but the first on Twitter. Most of the time, they twooted their scoops minutes before they broke them on air, or hours before they appeared on their news sites.

There are probably more Australian journalists working the twootstream than politicians, but after this week, that will all change. The idea that any serious politician will head into a late March, 2010, federal election without being on Twitter, or at least having someone in their office twooting for them, and reading the @ feedback, will seem bizarre, so very 20th century, and pigeonhole them as being out of touch with their electorate.

If Twitter really takes off with the Australian public, and it certainly seems to be doing incredibly well so far, we will see up-and-coming politicians build their base through Twitter, and arrive in Canberra with thousands of followers, instantly communicating and sharing news with their electorate online.

I'm not seeing a lot of negatives to the above prediction. Eventually, it will be all but impossible for politicians to lie or deceive on Twitter. They'll get absolutely hammered, near instantly, not only by their own followers, but by their political enemies and the digital media always searching for that next Twitter scoop.

For that reason alone, Twitter is great for Australian democracy, and honesty in politics.

The brighter the sunlight, the quicker the dark clouds of spin fade away.

What's God Got To Do With It?

By Darryl Mason

Looks like a photo editor at the Sunday Herald Sun has a sense of humour. Could there be a more non-flattering pic of Tony Abbott (clothed, that is) kicking around to illuminate this story?



Frightening.

Another Glenn Milne 'exclusive' :

The only declared leadership challenger to Malcolm Turnbull, Tony Abbott, says he's a "pragmatic common-sense" politician and not a narrow-minded conservative.

Who writes Abbott's material? He should be doing stand-up comedy. Wait, he already is!

Well known for his staunch Catholicism, Mr Abbott said he had never let his religion interfere with his policy decisions....

No. Never. For Abbott, it's always what's best for Christian Australia. And God, obviously.

(Abbott) conceded that colleague Joe Hockey might be considered by some a better choice as Liberal leader if Mr Hockey chose to stand on Tuesday.

Malcolm Turnbull must be sick to fucking death by now of doing so much charity work for the Libs. How much more humiliation can he take?

Abbott :

".....I don't think I am necessarily God's gift to politics...."

Necessarily? He's leaving himself some wiggle room to drop the "I don't think" and "necessarily" should Biblical Armageddon arrive.

"This is not all about me. It's about a change to policy and putting the Liberal Party in the best united state to win the next election."

If the Liberals keep fucking around like they have these past couple of weeks, The Greens and Labor are going to rip away Libseats across the country. Without even trying.

Bob Brown must be laughing himself to sleep.

Does Joe Hockey Mean Wilson Tuckey Is About To Drop His Pants And Start Singing Cold Chisel Songs?

By Darryl Mason

The Liberal Party was already in meltdown mode. I don't know what this mess is called, but it's thumping nastily with the kind of radioactive fallout that will require much contamination-style heavy scrubbing and hosing down before it's safe to go near again. It's also funnier than John Howard tripping up stairs :

Joe Hockey likened Wilson Tuckey to the crazy uncle at a family wedding yesterday as the Coalition started to tear itself apart over how to deal with Labor's proposed emissions trading scheme.

Backbenchers traded insults, the Nationals split from the Liberal leadership, and the Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, declared his opponents a divided rabble as they sparred over when and if it should negotiate with Labor over the legislation.

Kevin Rudd doesn't even have to try anymore. He can just sit back at 2am and watch repeats of Lateline frame by frame to catch the flickers of utter devastation that briefly crease the faces of all Liberals who now front up for TV interviews.

The renegade backbencher, Mr Tuckey, stirred trouble on Tuesday when he emailed every colleague attacking the embattled leader, Malcolm Turnbull, as arrogant and inexperienced.

The NSW frontbencher Bob Baldwin fired back at Mr Tuckey with an email also sent to all colleagues. He called Mr Tuckey's behaviour "absolutely disgraceful and unforgivable, particularly from someone who boasts so much experience … Perhaps he should consider packing his bags".

Emails. Again. Imagine the carnage if they started cutting loose on Twitter?

And so on to Joe Hockey's already infamous quote about Tuckey :

"Every family has an uncle who goes a little wild at the family wedding."

The Liberal Party is like a family wedding?

Hockey's out of his mi...wait a sec.

Mostly empty dance floor? Check.

Long winded-speeches by too many people who have had too much to drink or not enough? Check.

Lack of younger people with something interesting to say? Check.

Crazy uncle(s) going wild? Check.

People pasing each other in hallways muttering "fuck you" under their breath? Check.

Shit. Joe Hockey is right!

I think Peter Garrett sang a song once about this taking this kind of stand :

One anti-Turnbull backbencher said the Coalition was "going to get done like a dinner" regardless of when the election was held. "We might as well get done like a dinner with our principles intact."

That's it. It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

Mr Rudd said trying to negotiate with the Coalition in its current state was inconceivable. It should concentrate on fighting climate change, not each other, he said.

Mr Rudd then excused himself, because he could no longer contain his laughter one second more. Unconfirmed reports indicate the prime minister then continued to laugh so hard, so helplessly, for the next six hours he was unable to give a planned dinner speech, he had to be carried into the house and could not eat or drink or dress himself for bed.

Government insiders tell me that treasurer Wayne Swann has been repeatedly streaking past Malcolm Turnbull's home shouting, "Hey Malcy? What about those inflation figures? Huh? Huh? Bite me!"

Meanwhile, on Sydney's leafy North Shore, John Howard, geed up from the first episode of the SBS documentary about his years in power, and not at all bothered by those many scenes of his early days when he looked dorkier than the entire cast of Revenge Of The Nerds, ponders asking Peter Costello to be a mate and "wait until I have another go".

There must have been so many Liberals watching the first episode of that SBS doco, Liberal Rule, who found themselves bubbling with tears, their chests wracked by sobs, as they contemplated a Groundhog Day of interminable horror : another decade + plus in opposition, all years as grim and long and soul-devouring as the last time, which (before John Howard proved that if you hang around anywhere long enough you will eventually be put in charge) culminated in a desperation so wretched these words were spoken in all seriousness, "Yes, Alexander Downer would make a good leader of the Liberal Party."

Do you get the feeling there is a Night Of The Long Knives coming soon for some of the creaking older members of the Coalition? A number major financial backers of the Liberal Party demanded the house be fumigated of anything that smelled even remotely of Rodent, months ago. The pressure on Malcolm Turnbull to ditch the driftwood must be intense.

I'll repeat my wacky prediction of earlier this year : the Coalition opposition that comes out of the next federal election will likely be a coalition of Turnbull Liberals and The Greens.

Stop laughing.

It's the only dream Malcolm Turnbull's got left.

Howard-Hating Lefties Foil Howard Glorifiers, Again!

By Darryl Mason

Gerard Henderson, Australia's most boring columnist, and former John Howard government staffer, hates a new doco on the Howard era so much he makes me want to watch it. I mean if it shits Gerard Henderson this much, it must be good :

If you want to work out who won what was billed as "the culture wars" during the time of the Howard government, tune into SBS One at 8.30 pm tonight. This is the first episode of the three-part series titled Liberal Rule: The Politics that Changed Australia, which is produced by Nick Torrens Film Productions and written by Nick Torrens and Garry Sturgess.

Liberal Rule is a shocker and a disgrace.

There would have been no problem if Torrens and Sturgess had sought to present a balanced picture of the Howard government by seeking a diversity of opinions....

Sounds like they didn't bother to interview Henderson. That's a cardinal sin for producers of documentaries about John Howard.

Over the three episodes, the left has free kick after free kick with the support of the documentary's narrator, who added what Torrens described as "the necessary layers of subtext". In fact, the "balanced picture" of the Howard government was provided by...Howard-haters...

Only people who like John Howard should be interviewed for documentaries about John Howard, apparently.

Unlike the Labor Party, the Liberals do not take their history seriously.

C'mon, Hendo, it's hard for anyone, even some Liberals, to look back at the last five or six years of Liberal Party history and not splutter with laughter.

The Opposition frontbencher George Brandis is one of the brightest Liberals. Writing in The Spectator, he complained that that Liberals are not celebrating the 100th anniversary of the formation of the inaugural Liberal Party. But Brandis could have arranged such a celebration himself.

It was a party even Brandis knew few would bother to attend, even if the booze was free and Peter Costello was booked to do Peter Garrett impersonations. Probably why Henderson didn't organise such an anniversary celebration at his Sydney Institute.

Henderson castigates those he brands Howard-Hating Lefties for spending thousands of hours researching, filming and editing a three hour documentary, for not a whole lot of money, but who else is bothering to make documentaries, even for YouTube, about the Howard years?

What exactly is stopping all these people who truly believe the John Howard years were the golden days of 21st century Australia from going and making their own documentaries?

Absolutely nothing.

With digital video technology, searchable document and record databases, cheap or free sound editing software, and presumably easy access to all the Liberal Party talking heads they could want (and don't forget Gerard Henderson), conservative Howard Hugging documentary makers can go to town spending a couple of years crafting their own version of the Diamond Days Of John Howard without spending hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars.

They could probably raise a reasonable production budget at a couple of fund-raising dinners.

But they won't do that, of course.

Pulling together a three hour documentary, featuring dozens of interviews, on a low budget, is fucking hard work.

Watching the same interviews dozens of times until they haunt your sleep, doing transcripts, searching endlessly for that one bit of essential footage or audio clip you were sure you had but now can't find, and when you do finally find it it turns out to be useless, all of this leaches away at your life and spirit. It's not a nine to five job, it becomes an obsession to get the thing right, to make it flow, to make the story move forward, always.

Anyone can do all this now for a small to reasonable budget and make 1, 2, 3 or 12 hour documentaries about that tell the story of the Howard Years that Goddamn Lefties Don't Want Australiia To Know About.

Gerard Henderson could have made a John Howard : He Made This Country What It Is Today You Ungrateful Bastards documentary himself, for very little money, screened it at his Sydney Institute, whined until the ABC paid him for the rights to screen it, complained about them not promoting it enough, or giving him an interview on the 7.30 Report, turned a reasonable profit, and then Gerard could have spent months bitching bitterly about its reviews.

But he didn't do that, did he?

No. He didn't.

Too much like hard work?

Tobias Ziegler at Pure Poison has more.

And Peter Brent has more here

Howard : You Stupid People, Why Can't You See How Mega I Was?

By Darryl Mason

How strong, how formidable a legacy can it really be when John Howard has to repeatedly remind us of how strong and formidable that legacy is supposed to be?

"The legacy of the former Liberal government is one that we should all want to own," says the 2007' Federal Election's Biggest Loser, who, in the words of Dame Elizabeth Murdoch, destroyed the Liberal Party on his way to retirement.

"Australia was a stronger, prouder and more prosperous nation in November 2007 than it had been in March 1996. Yet attempts have been made to discount the contributions of competitive capitalism and more open markets to the remarkable economic growth, in many nations, during these past 30 years."

And how many of those who "prospered" through increased access to cheap and voluminous personal credit remain prosperous today? Enough to sustain that fantasy...sorry, legacy?

John Howard spells out "Who We Liberals Are" for those who have forgotten, and how easily they forget :

"We are a party of the individual rather than of the collective. We see the maximum good for the nation being achieved when each individual is encouraged to do his or her best.

"We are a party that should always see the family as the most important unit in our society, not only as a source of love and emotional security, but also, quite pragmatically, as mankind's most efficient social welfare system. Liberals should always retain their strong belief in the fundamental force of the market. That does not mean that the market always functions smoothly or that it is not open to abuse."

And something from Mr Howard about a new great, or even greater, depression now looms thanks to some of the most outrageous gambles and acts of mega-billion dollar fraud ever committed in the history of the world, perhaps?

No.

"The notion that markets need extensive reregulation is based on a false reading of what has happened to the world economy."

World economy? Do they still even call it that? What's left of it?

It's bad enough that Rudd & Friends dare to claim credit for what was achieved during the Liberal Years Of Peace And Prosperity And Magic Wonderfulness For All, but Howard is so desperate to scrabble for scraps of credibility and respect these days that he is positioning himself as having continued in the tradition of 1980s economic reformers, and former prime ministers, Bob Hawke and Paul Keating.

Heeeeerrrrrre's Johnny :

"In 1980 our nation needed five great reforms. We needed to deregulate our financial system, fundamentally change our taxation system, make our labour markets freer, reduce excessively high tariffs and rid the government of ownership of commercial enterprises that would be better run privately. By 2007 these five great reforms had been achieved."

Folding himself into the legacy of the Hawke and Keating Years must have come as something of a surprise for the Liberal desperates gathered to hear Howard speak yesterday.

Well, gathered to hear Malcolm Turnbull speak, suffering through Howard, stifling snores and groans as they collectively wondered when this loser was going to get the fuck off the stage so Turnbull could wake up himself and get on with leading the Liberal Party into whatever hell awaits them next.

END OF PART ONE

You Better Get Used To It

The Professional Idiot sinks deeper by the day into wild-eyed, foamy hysteria as the true reality darkly dawns that the once formidable strength of the Australian conservative movement of the Howard era is now slipping and sliding away into a spectacular, humiliating festival of confusion, anarchy and Labor/Green lickspittling. With plenty of help from The Professional Idiot, of course. One of his readers, Wilt, nails the truth of what has happened, and is happening, brilliantly :

...nothing so galling for the True Believers of the Howard Descendancy, when their supposed support base actually wakes up to reality.

Poor, poor Australian Conservatism, has your pet industry-parrot started to squawk a different tune? What a shambles you are, emasculated, hung, drawn and quartered by Howard’s shameful selfishness, and increasingly left behind by a rapidly-changing society; vainly hoping for Australia to ‘wake up to itself’ when you are the ones sound asleep; waiting patiently for Peter Costello to work out whether he can be bothered to save the country, if only someone would come and beg him to do so because he won’t lower himself to do the dirty work in Opposition.

You hopeless, howling shower of wet whiners; you pointless complainers, voiceless declaimers, and spineless denigraters: your time is over. Your country has changed, and not to your liking. You must get used to it.

One of the key problems for the Liberals was, and is, that so many of its senior politicians, advisors and 'youth wing' treated everything that The Professional Idiot had to say about climate change, David Hicks, The Iraq War, the War On Terror, terrorism in general, asylum seekers, WorkChoices, Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, the Cronulla Riots, emissions trading, the Stolen Generations, Aboriginal reconciliation, and a host of other vitally important issues that concerned a vast scope of Australians (not just those Evil Pagan Lefties) as nothing less than Holy Gospel. This was clearly evidenced in The Howard Years documentary series recently screened on the ABC. Every issue the Liberals got wrong in the lead up to the 2007 election, every key issue they misjudged and misread the general Australian public on and over, were echoes of The Professional Idiot's beliefs and whiny, paranoid, fear-soaked opinions.

Now The Professional Idiot's trying to finish off The Liberals for good with the kind of eviscerations that he used to unleash on Mark Latham and The Greens, all the while pumping his mate Peter Costello as the only man who can save the party and lead them to victory in the next election. Funny, funny stuff. Correction : Absolutely fucking hilarious stuff.

In the past few years since The Liberals have, quietly, championed The Professional Idiot as their Yoda, the conservative movement in Australia has crashed and burned, spectacularly.

Coincidence?

The more conspiracy-minded amongst you may wonder what The Professional Idiot's real agenda is, and some in The Liberal Party most definitely already are.

After all, The Professional Idiot once worked for Labor.

If The Liberals continue to crash to burn and burn so, it won't be Costello and the Liberals on the opposition benches come 2012. It will be Bob Brown and The Greens.

Joe Vs Julie

Joe Hockey smells the blood in the water, and begins to make his move for the deputy leadership of the Liberal Party. Hitting the banks for being scumbags now is an important Us-Vs-Them scene setter, which Hockey will be able to cash in on monumentally next year when the 'economic downturn' really becomes the Economic Downfall.

Westpac was the biggest bank in the country, Opposition finance spokesman Joe Hockey said on Wednesday.

"You would think they would pass on the interest rate cut in full, but they didn't. They gouged it," he told Fairfax Radio Network.

"Westpac gouged it, ANZ gouged it. They are gouging small business, they are gouging farmers, and they are gouging credit cards."

Hockey's aim in this attack is solid, and precise. A few more serious months of this, and the new generation Liberals can claim, in 2010, that the Rudd Government and the Bastard Banks are holding hands and skipping along rainbows together while The Rest Of Us (that will be Australia's, by then, majority poor and the "We Feel Your Pain" Liberals) are queuing for food stamps and free buses to get to work.

Hockey and Malcolm Turnbull are exactly the kind of front-line tag-team combination the Liberals need to really start hammering the Labor Party next year. Turnbull can keep it classy, while Hockey can go for the throat. Unlike Peter Costello, Alexander "Absolute Commitment" Downer and (shudder) Tony Abbott, Joe Hockey can occasionally appear to be genuine, and sincere, and has a streak of the same instant anger that many Australians quietly liked about Mark Latham.

Speaking up for the New Poor against the Bastard Banks, and pointing out how cozy "Lapdog Labor and the Bastard Banks"are, will be one of Hockey's primary missions through 2009 and 2010. If he doesn't fuck it up, the Rudd government could soon be getting major migraines whenever Hockey's name is mentioned.

Australian politics might get very interesting again, very quickly.

Nelson's Liberals Are The Spinal Tap Of Australian Politics

Shock : Real Questions On Real Issues From The Opposition

While opposition leader Brendan Nelson was trying to rally the weight of the Rudd government to save a rural post office yesterday, opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull set about finally dismantling some of the whirling flurry of Rudd rhetoric :

...what we got from the shadow treasurer was something quite novel: a cogent and intelligent critique of the Rudd Government's first budget, coupled with a vigorous defence of the Liberal tradition.

The Rudd Government's first budget isn't bulletproof, by any means - the only reason it might have seemed a bit that way over the past 10 days is that the Opposition has been firing dum-dums directly into its own feet.

But Mr Turnbull yesterday managed to articulate some of the uneasy questions raised by last week's budget, with none of the mawkish sentiment of a Nelson oration.

Questions like: How can a government on one hand claim that climate change is our greatest challenge, then on the other hand remain silent about the budgetary impact of an emissions trading scheme, while simultaneously penalising the solar energy industry?

How can a government carry on about our crumbling public hospital system, while simultaneously making money by tipping hundreds of thousands of new patients into it?

There must be dozens of other simple and powerful questions like these the Turnbull-led opposition (or Nelson led opposition if you insist on dwelling in fantasy) can trumpet to finally get some momentum back on their side. There's a fair bit of confusion for many people on what the first Rudd government budget means for them, and now the Liberals have an opportunity to ramp up the pressure.

Well, maybe. If they can stop stabbing each other in the back. When federal Parliament staff take an inventory of the dining rooms' cutlery, they will only have to take a look at Nelson's spine to find most of the missing sharper implements.

Nelson is probably more unpopular now in his own party than he is with larger Australia. And while Nelson may now be 70% cutlery steel, Turnbull is the focus of bizarre suspicion from within his own ranks. Incredibly, a conspiracy is gaining ground among die-hard Liberals (well, some Andrew Bolt readers anyway, which makes up a fair bit of the Liberals support base, those who aren't Liberal staffers anyway) that Turnbull is a Labor double agent, bent on destroying the big Ls from within. Brilliantly amusing.

Up until Turnbull's sweat-heavy but effective speech yesterday, which should mark a turnaround in political fortune, the Liberals had been far too busy showing why they are the Spinal Tap of federal politics. They were once big, but they've fallen on hard times, the reviews of their new product is mostly terrible (two words : Shit Sandwich) and constant touring (by Nelson) is making them only look more pathetic and out of vogue, regardless of the size of their Stonehenge monument or the number of dwarves they have dancing around it.

And no, I have no idea what that last reference means...at least, not yet.

Liberals Pray To The Tubes Of The Internets For Salvation

Mind-boggling. The senior ranks of the Liberal Party know less about the internets and the series of tubes that carry it around the world than they knew about the detail of their own WorkChoices policies.

In fact, most of the Liberal Party's old timers don't even know what those boxes with TVs on their secretaries' desks are all about :

Christopher Pyne, Malcolm Turnbull and Joe Hockey were the only senior former Howard government ministers who could use a computer, a Liberal party source said.

The Libs have apparently woken up to the fact that their online election campaign was beyond woeful and they are not digitally connecting with younger conservatives. Better late than
never :

The Liberal Party is preparing a major internet blitz to reinvigorate itself amid plunging membership and an ageing support base.

Senior party sources said the Coalition "failed abysmally" to fully recognise the importance of the internet during the 2007 federal election campaign, and that John Howard's stilted YouTube appearances did more harm than good.

"There was a complete cultural misunderstanding of the internet at headquarters," a senior insider said. "In lots of respects, Howard's YouTube appearances underlined the problem. They are supposed to be spontaneous chats - not sitting in a stuffy study giving a prepared speech."

The Liberal Party (those who know how to work a computer anyway) are apparently hoping to do some digital trumping on PM Rudd's 2020 summit.

In what could be the Liberal Party's answer to the Federal Government's 2020 summit, The Sun Herald has learnt that a new Liberal interactive online forum will be unveiled at the Victorian State Council meeting later this month.

The forum would allow members to have a "continuing online conversation" with party elders and to engage younger conservatives.

Members will be able to access chat rooms to discuss policy papers and key issues such as housing affordability, the environment, national security and tax.

Liberal federal president Alan Stockdale said a similar idea was being explored at the national level.

Christopher Pyne, one of the few senior Liberals who know how to use a computer, says his party must work some magic over the internet if they want to become 'a modern political party.'

Mandatory computer and internet training for the offline Liberals will become a priority.

"The difference is between grudgingly accepting the internet and embracing it as a real campaign tool; I'm confident the party is now moving to embrace it," he said.

Grudgingly accepting the internet? Millions of young and old Australians now spend more time online at home than they do watching TV or listening to the radio and they're in the process of "grudgingly" accepting it?

Expect a spam mail in your inbox soon inviting you to watch Brendan Nelson working on his motorbike and practising his guitar playing live on webcam.

Party Colleagues Want Brendan Nelson Gone From Leadership Within A Year

Nelson "Insincere, Fake....A Nobody"

Opposition leader Brendan Nelson must be a haunted man. Particularly after reading this article.

Nelson's obvious disgust at having to back Labor on the long overdue end to the stalling and conspiracy-mongering of saying 'Sorry' to Aborigines made him look a truly pathetic man when he had to front the media and declare he had changed his mind on one of the most controversial issues of the John Howard era in only a handful of weeks.

Brendan Nelson - November, 2007 :

"...we have no responsibility to apologise or take ownership for what was done by earlier generations," he said.

The 'Sorry' problem for the Liberals is intense, and it keeps detonating again and again under their feet, like unexploded daisy cutter mines had been scattered throughout their offices by the Labor Party.

Malcolm Turnbull is said to have lost his shot at the leadership of the Liberal Party because he supported a national 'Sorry' statement and official apology for numerous past crimes against the Aboriginal People, and because he did not consult enough, or often enough, with the partyroom before he went to the media and started making declarations.

Nelson supposedly did the right thing, by "consulting with the partyroom" before he announced that numerous Liberals who believe in the Andrew Bolt "unstolen generation" conspiracy would keep their mouths shut and give their backing to something they truly didn't believe in.

A number of senior Liberals find the word "stolen", as in "stolen generation", utterly repellent.

Why, they wonder, can't we simply call them "The Saved Generation."?

Malcolm Turnbull recently got an insight into how some senior Liberals regard him when he was told he was being "too fucking sensitive" by the Opposition senate leader, Nick Minchin, in front of colleagues :

The row started outside of the party room on Thursday, after Senator Minchin went on ABC radio and confirmed Mr Turnbull lost the leadership because his public support for an apology to the stolen generation suggested he would not consult the partyroom.

After Mr Turnbull told him the comments were "unhelpful'' because the whole leadership debate was settling down, Senator Minchin is understood to have yelled at his frontbench colleague, declaring he was "too f..king sensitive'' as he walked away.

Brendan Nelson's leadership of the Liberal Party is stripping away the layers of Howard-era conservatism. Now they're 'Sorry', they're against killing whales, they like Green things, they don't like WorkChoices.

What other old beliefs, clinging on like barnacles, will Liberal conservatives have to betray or cast aside to re-sell themselves to under 40s Australians as "The Ones Who Really Care. Really."

Whatever kind of Liberal Party emerges at the other end of its Renovation Rescue-like attempt to revive a staid room by only changing the curtains, it probably won't have Brendan Nelson as its leader :

"He's a nobody, who is insincere and fake,'' one Liberal said.

"If he was here by the end of the year I would be very surprised. (Turnbull) is clearly the preferred person.''

Sometimes it's not so nice to know what your colleagues really think of you. Particularly if you're Brendan Nelson.

Liberals Suddenly Very Interested In The Government Being Held To Account

The Rudd Government, That Is

Libs Helen Coonan and Christopher Pyne now believe that an Australian government should keep its promises, should be held to account for its actions and should face heat and intense scrutiny when it acts dishonestly. Nothing like being kicked out of power to make politicians champions of integrity, honesty and substance :

Helen Coonan : "It's very important...that the Rudd led Labor party is made to fulfil their promises to the electorate and be kept accountable."

Christopher Pyne : "....the one thing that counts, which is holding Kevin Rudd accountable for his promises and his frontbench accountable for their incompetencies."

Helen Coonan : "I think it is very important to hold Kevin Rudd accountable..." "Can I just say one thing about holding Kevin Rudd accountable...eventually somebody's going to have to actually implement what they say and we will be holding Labor accountable, I assure you."

Great. But what about holding the Liberal Party accountable for the past 11.5 years? Christopher Pyne explains how that works :

"...we have to forget about the past."

Well, you can have your dreams.

Former foreign minister, Alexander Downer, is all for forgetting the past as well :

"...what’s the point of going back over the last 12 months, we can't relive that. It's all over. We just, I think for the Liberal Party, it won't be doing itself much of a favour by a constant retrospective."

It's no wonder Downer, and the rest of the survivors, want to forget about the past year, and the past11.5 years, of Liberal/National government.

Tim Dunlop runs through some of the numerous ways the Howard government shafted the Australian people and ducked and weaved their way through some of the most outrageous and shocking events, boondoggles, double standards and outright fabrications of recent decades :

I can’t remember the number of times we were told that Mr Howard doesn’t lie and that even if he does, so what, all politicians lie; that “core promises” was a perfectly legitimate way of dealing with election commitments; that any government or prime ministerial fudging in regard to “children overboard” was a figment of the “Howard haters” vile imagination; that there were absolutely no problems with the government’s handling of AWB scandal; that the Haneef matter was dealt with strictly according to the law with no eye to political advantage; that David Hicks deserved everything he got and that the government were always perfectly upfront about their dealings with the Bush Administration on the issue; that we were told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the invasion of Iraq; that the subsequent change of position of why we were in Iraq and how long we were staying there was perfectly reasonable; that the former government did have a mandate for WorkChoices because they mentioned something about in passing on their website before the 2004 election; that the “fairness test” wasn’t a backflip contradicting their previous commitments to make no fundamental changes to the legislation; that the business union ads the previous government demanded were a completely honest assessment based on sound econometric research; that Mr Howard’s multi-billion dollar splurge on government advertising was justifiable down to the last cent and that the ads themselves never had any political intent...

Dunlop has more on all this here and makes this final, extremely valid point :

Thank you, Mr Howard. By running the most dishonest government in living memory you seem to have converted a generation of your own supporters to the cause of integrity in government and this is, apparently, going to be a key theme of the new Coalition Opposition...This is a good thing for the country, something some of us having been arguing for some time.

Indeed.

Liberals Go For Brendan "We Went To Iraq For The Oil" Nelson

Nelson's First Betrayal Of The Wing Nuts : "We Love Kyoto, Too!"

Uh oh. Paul Kelly will not be happy, but the wing nuts will be. The Liberals have voted in former Labor Party member and one time union leader, Brendan Nelson, as their new messiah, with Julie Bishop as deputy.

Nelson has managed to fight off the Malcolm Turnbull Leadership Coup, but only just, winning his spot at "the worst job in Australian politics" by only a handful of votes.

This means the Liberal Party will rumble with chaos and "Did Turnbull do it?" leaks undermining the new leader for months, or even years, to come.

Brendan "We Went To Iraq For The Oil" Nelson can be counted on to make life a little bit difficult for the Rudd government, but will remain a figure of public mockery, and will continue to provide plenty of gaffes and jaw droppers to keep the Liberal Party In Chaos entertainment coming.

So much for the Liberals taking a message from the election and creating a new, more appealing front line team and set of themes. They will isolate themselves even further from the Australian mainstream, with Nelson now free to air his wacko views on education, religion and the 'War on Terror' whenever he likes.

It's now time for all of those who confidently predicted Turnbull would win the leadership to quickly distance themselves from their previous comments.

UPDATE : Maybe the wing nuts won't be so happy with Nelson, after all.

Brendan Nelson is podiuming and announcing...Kyoto Is Good!

"I have heard the message from Australians that was delivered on Saturday and whatever some critics of the Kyoto Protocol might actually think, it's symbolically important to Australians," he said.

Now symbolism is important to the Liberals?

Here's Brendan Nelson hating Kyoto in 2005, and cheerleading nuclear energy :

"Australia has rightly refused to sign the Kyoto protocol."

"...is it not time to consider in the longer term the most obvious power source, nuclear power? It is not only in electricity production that nuclear energy offers potential for Australia. It could also be used to fuel water desalination on a large scale."

The Labor Party will have lots of fun with those quotes.

Let's see how Nelson's We Love Kyoto, Too declaration today compares to those that The Australian's Paul Kelly instructed the next Liberal leader to utter :

"The Liberal Party believes in Kyoto ratification and a post-2012 system that binds developing nations into the compact."

Kind of close.

It looks like Nelson will be uttering plenty of "Me Toos!" in the coming months, on WorkChoices (goodbye), on withdrawing combat forces from Iraq (good luck) and on embracing the fight against climate change (our members own waterfront properties).

The more the wing nuts rip into Nelson for not being as demented, bigoted and extreme as they are, the more isolated they will become in Australian politics, and Australian society.