A Million Typing Cats Locked In A Room Could Eventually Compose The Collected Works Of The Professional Idiot

By Darryl Mason

One of the most relevant questions ever asked by a commenter at The Professional Idiot's :



No-one bothered to reply-comment in the next nine hours to deny such a reality exists, or try to shake Arovet out of his/her apparent belief that The Professional Idiot's blog is perhaps teaming with comments from Liberal Party staffers using false names.

How anybody could ever come to believe such a thing is hard to comprehend.

The Professional Idiot may be an idiot, but he is still professional, and he would never allow his blog comments to be filled up, falsely inflated you might say, by people employed by the Liberal Party, or financial backers of the Liberal Party, to post dozens of comments a week there in a desperate attempt to try and influence public opinion, and ramp up pressure to get rid of Malcolm Turnbull.

The Professional Idiot would surely know if this kind of fakery from Liberal Party staffers and/or PR agencies was happening and would put a stop to it.

He'd have no choice but to take action.

What would Rupert think?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Professional Idiot was interviewed by John Safran on Speaking In Tongues in 2006.

John Safran : Have you ever, like, turned down money or a job based on ideological grounds?

The Professional Idiot : Ahhhhh, no.

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Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull appeared on the Red N' Geen Kerry Report last night, and said some of the exact things ("socialists running this country") that regular commenters at The Professional Idiot have been demanding he say about the Rudd government, for months. You'd think they'd be all cheering, but no.

Bizarrely, The Professional Idiot only quoted the questions of Kerry O'Lefty (probably Pagan, too) O'Brien in this piece on Malolm Turnbull's appearance, and not one single thing the Liberal Party leader had to say. Nothing.

The Professional Idiot has campaigned through his newspaper, blog, morning TV and radio appearances for three Liberal Party leaders in a row (Howard, Nelson and now Turnbull) to end their leaderships.

I ranted on the curious way The Professional Idiot, an avowed conservative, has so successfully seeded chaos and division in the Liberal Party, for years, in this comment at Grods :

Nothing I’ve seen him write or any ’stand’ he’s taken in the past three years has swayed me of the belief that The Professional Idiot’s mission is to destroy the Liberal Party. Or at least, destroy it enough so it can be recast along his ideological lines. With his close friend Peter Costello as leader, obviously.

Every time they do what they are told to do by him, through his columns and blog and TV appearances, and when they start robo-quoting his lines to the media, the Liberal Party falls further into a heap.

The Liberal Party is his plaything, has been since he started campaigning through the Herald Sun for Howard to quit as leader a few months before the election.

The mission isn’t just to seed division amongst the Liberals, but to spread chaos and destruction.

Turnbull is trying hard to bring the Liberals into the 21st century, and The Professional Idiot just hammers away at him, day after day.

Don’t you think it’s interesting that The Professional Idiot, through his broad reach across Australian media, gets in more snarky stings and hammering blows against the Liberal Party (all through the leaderships of Howard, Nelson and Turnbull) than anyone from the Labor Party ever does?

Name just one Peak Lefty multi-media columnist, from The Age, the Sydney Morning Herald, fucking anywhere, that so effectively eats away at the unity and confidence of the Liberal Party like The Professional Idiot does, day after day. Just one.

The Professional Idiot has heaped more praise and admiration on American conservatives like Sarah Palin than any conservative politician in Australia.

Rudd doesn’t give a shit if The Professional Idiot calls him SpinSpinSpin or hopeless or out of his depth or even a liar. It doesn’t make any difference. He rarely says anything about Rudd that most people don’t already think about politicians in general.

Rudd and his media team know that The Professional Idiot is doing far more damage to the Liberal Party than he is to Labor, and they love him for it.

Of course, almost none of the regular commenters at his blog appear to have any inkling, insight or knowledge of any of the above.

Which proves that comment about Liberal Party staffers, or PR flacks hired by Liberal Party backers, filling up the comments at The Professional Idiot's must indeed be false.

If it was true, if, say, 10-20% of the comments at The Professional Idiot's blog were coming from Liberal staffers, or PR flacks, they wouldn't let him get away with his constant attacks on the Liberal Party, would they?

And they certainly wouldn't be campaigning in the comments, a few times a week at least, for The Professional Idiot to get his own TV show on the ABC.

Right?

Okay, Time To Send In The Monster Spiders

Australians have grown bored by the repeativity of cyclone attacks, shark attacks, crocodile attacks, leg-gnawing possum attacks, kangaroo attacks, camels trashing our towns and turning on our taps, possums invading our Leagues clubs, and aggro-wallabies invading our nursing homes.

We like variety in how Nature tries to wipe us out. We appreciate the unusual.

Good news, then, from the Townsville Bulletin. Nature's War On Humans ramps up a notch with this dramatic new front line opening up in Queensland :

SPIDER INVASION IN BOWEN

IN a scene that could almost be out of a B-grade monster movie, giant spiders have invaded Bowen.

For about six weeks, residents have reported seeing huge bird-eating spiders crawling around their backyards and gardens.

That's not too over the top an intro for a story detailing how a few big, occasionally bird-eating spiders have shown up in a few Bowen backyards, is it?

While at this stage there had only been about five sightings of the giant spiders, Mr Geiszler said it was unusual to see that many in such a short period.

"They are very shy. They normally never venture out too far but obviously these ones have been flushed out for some reason.

"It's more than enough to scare a few people. It's not plague proportions or anything.

Or invasion proportions.

Freaky fact.

The spiders whistle or make a hissing sound when aggravated, which can be heard about 2m away.

So if you're in or around Bowen in the next few weeks, poking around in a garden and you hear a bizarre hissing sound, run, run and flail your arms around your head and back to make sure one of these "monsters" isn't hitching a ride. There probably won't be a "monster" spider trying to eat your ear lobes, but you will look fantastically funny to anyone who sees you running down the street.

"The spiders have been getting fed and now they're out walking about looking for females to mate with."

The monster spiders have had a good feed and now out cruising for chicks.

The bite from a bird-eating spider is not known to be fatal to humans, however it can cause up to six hours of vomiting.

Yeah, like a spider bite's the only thing that can happen to you in Townsville that could lead to six hours of vomiting.

Great Story

Then again, you don't want of these fuckers crawling over your face when you're passed out in the backyard :

Righteous Spider Photo by Greg Brylund

Greg Sheridan : If A Palestinian Says It, It Must Be A Lie

The Australian's "most influential" foreign affairs commentator Greg Sheridan on February 5, 2009 :

I do not believe a single story of Israeli war crimes or atrocities in Gaza. There is no evidence of any such story beyond Palestinian eye-witness accounts....

The United Nations isssued a report yesterday on Israel's clear and painfully obvious war crimes in Gaza during Operation Cast Lead, which killed more than 1400 Palestinians, including hundreds of women and children :

United Nations investigators found that Israeli missiles killed 30 to 40 Palestinians in the immediate vicinity of the Jabalia school in Gaza Strip, where hundreds of others had taken refuge during the Israel-Hamas conflict, according to a report released Tuesday.

The attack against the Jabalia boy school, also known as the al-Fakoura school, which was run by the UN refugee agency in the Middle East (UNWRA), was among the six attacks against UN compounds cited in the report by a three-member investigative board.

'The board found that the undisputed cause of the injuries and the deaths to persons in the immediate vicinity of the school was the firing of 122 mm mortar rounds by the IDF, which landed in the area outside the school and at the compound of a family home nearby,' the report said.

If Sheridan writes about the UN report, he will use the words "one-sided" and "biased" prominently.

He doesn't need to get a memo, he knows what his job is.

Greg Sheridan's Bizarre Anti-Free Speech, Anti-Free Assembly Propaganda

If This Was America, We'd Already Have A Ned Kelly Amusement Park




By Darryl Mason

Bon Scott's grave in the Freemantle cemetery gets thousands of visitors a year.

How many visitors do you think the grave, and a monument, of Ned Kelly would bring to country Victoria each year? Ten thousand? Fifty thousand? What might the value of a dedicated memorial and museum to Ned Kelly be worth each year to Victorian tourism? $10 million? $30 million?

The idea of exhuming the bones of Ned Kelly, holding a very public funeral and entombing his remains beneath a monument that would draw tens of thousands of tourists no doubt repels some in Australia. Those who don't want to remember the chaos of the decades of bushrangers and police harrassment and brutality that led to Federation.

But most Australians, I suspect, would think it a fine and brilliant idea, and would enjoy the media fuss and furious debate about his criminality and probably a televised pseudo-retrial of Kelly as well.

Before the corporatisation of sports, and the reckless slaughter of World War I, the bushranging era, through the mid-to-late 1800s served up to a young nation a series of heroic, but flawed, outlaws who then defined the spirit of what it meant to be an Australian : protect your family and take absolutely no shit, from anybody.

Pentridge Prison Chaplain : Give Ned Kelly Back To His Family :

The remains of Ned Kelly and other prisoners found at the Pentridge Prison site should be returned to their families, a chaplain says.

The outlaw's remains should be returned to his family and he should be given a decent burial, former Pentridge Prison chaplain Father Peter Norden said.

Fr Norden said Kelly should be granted a final resting place with his deceased relatives...

Bushranger movies, and movies about Ned Kelly in particular, were extremely popular in Australia in the early 1900s. Some of the first full-length feature films produced anywhere in the world were about Australian bushrangers fighting back against police brutality in a fascist police state. These films, of course, had to be banned :

• 1907 Victorian Chief Secretary bans screenings of The Story of the Kelly Gang
  in Benalla and Wangaratta.

• 1911 exhibition of The Story of the Kelly Gang film banned in Adelaide.

• 1912 New South Wales police department banned the production of bushranger films.

And here's that excellent shot of Ned Kelly's armour again :

The Hungry Jacks Bacon Deluxe as it dreams to be :



The above hamburger, from a store in Pitt Street, as it really is :



All that grease and mayonnaise really helps the dense mass of meat and cheese slide down your throat.

Absolutely delicious.

We're Definitely Going To Blame This One On A Computer

What is it with the Murdoch media pointing guns at an American president?



Automated but assassination-obsessed coders?

Can a piece of software be charged with threatening the president?

Start With The Koalas

An appropriate logo has now been located for the anti-nature resistance, Humans Against The Rest (HATeR) :



More on the unlikely source of the above image in a photo essay, later.

The Anzac War Memorial, Hyde Park Sydney, May 4









Directly below them, a Japanese youth wielding a long sword lept off the stairs of the memorial again and again, for a photo shoot for some Asian martial arts movie, until an elderly passer-by explained why doing this around any Australian war memorial was a really, really bad idea.





But in front of the statues of the memorial, the Pool of Remembrance shimmered in the afternoon light, and a dog (centre) was preparing for some essential ball chasing action.









Photos By Darryl Mason

You Won't Want To Be Throwing That Shrimp On Your Barbie

A new Australian supernatural splatterfest, Primal, heads for Cannnes. Below is a supremely gruesome trailer, fast and full of "what in all fuck was that?" glimpses of the action. Kids go looking for Aboriginal rock art in the bush, get lost, carnage, ancient evil and what appears to be some prawn-related mayhem follows..

Primal will probably be only one of the few Australian movies that finds international buyers at Cannes this year.



More on Primal here

That's Good. Can I Borrow Your Pen?

The brilliant Hollowmen wins a due award for Most Outstanding Comedy at the Logies.

Apparently Kevin Rudd is confused about the category in which the Hollowmen won. Rudd thought Hollowmen was a tense, riveting drama series, filled with real-world office life challenges and triumphs.

The ABC News website takes the opportunity to laddle upon itself some hearty praise, via the speeches of two Logie winners.

From the Hollowmen acceptance speech :

"[The producers would like to] thank the ABC for their undying support of comedy, and also in particular a few people - one Mark Scott, Courtney Gibson and there would be Kim Dalton..." Watts said.

ABC reporter Stephen McDonell who won for Most Oustanding News Coverage (the Sichuan earthquake aftermath) :

"Thank you very much for this. What do I say? Sometimes you're in the right place, and the right but good thing I suppose with the ABC - unlike I suppose anyone else - is that we've got correspondents all over the world and it's what you get from local knowledg..."

"So if you want to see the world through Australian eyes, I suppose the ABC's still the place to do it."

'See The World Through Australian Eyes'....The Hollowmen would be all over that phrase. It'd be trialed as a campaign slogan, or station ID.

In the time it took to locate the camera, a huge, clearly defined Z over Sydney drifted into this :



To the south, a few minutes later :



photos by Darryl Mason

Is This Real World, Or Just An Exercise?

The Sydney Morning Herald :

Pandemic or a dress rehearsal?

Whether swine flu is the pandemic the world has been dreading should be known within the next few days.

Surely, they're not using the term 'dress rehearsal' as Webster's defines it?

"a practice exercise for something to come".

August, 2007 : Bird Flu-Infected Chickens Fed To Pigs In Bali

Is This Where HumanBirdPig Flu Began?

By Darryl Mason

The World Health Organisation rejected a hopeless campaign by The Orstrahyun to have the new swine flu virus officially titled Pork Throat. Instead, the WHO has gone with Influenza A H1N1 as its official reference term for the new influenza virus, which contains the genes of human, bird and pig flu strains.

This retitling has led to an immediate downturn of interest amongst the public in the pandemic potential of the virus, which may have been part of the intention of giving this bizarre influenza such an academic, book lurnin' name.

But, to shift into serious news mode, how did strains of pig, human and bird flu first meet up, and start swapping genes in order to mutate into Influenza A H1N1?

There are theories, but nothing solid. Yet.

A possible source, or at least a scenario where such an unlikely blending of influenza viruses could have taken place, can be found in this report on two human deaths from the H5N1 (bird flu) virus back in September, 2007 :

Suyono said there had been sick chickens around the woman's house and many had died suddenly in recent weeks.

"The villagers didn't burn the carcasses. Instead they buried them or fed them to pigs," Suyono added.

Contact with sick fowl is the most common way for humans to contract the H5N1 virus.

Human to human transmission of the bird flu virus was believed to be occuring in Bali, by August 2007, though it did not prove to be highly transmissible, and further infections were usually contained within Balinese families living amongst bird-flu infected poultry, or those caring for bird-flu infected relatives.

You'll probably see this story in next week's Sunday Telegraph as well.

The Orstrahyun Reports, The Health Department Acts

The Ostrahyun, Sunday April 26 :

...the Australian government stockpiles of Tamiflu are believed to have reached their expiration dates late last year.

The Sunday Telegraph, May 3 :

Responding to questions from The Sunday Telegraph, a spokesman for Health Minister Nicola Roxon revealed 1.6 million packs (of Tamiflu) were removed from the Commonwealth's stockpile this month because they had passed their use-by date.

The difference here is that the Sunday Telegraph gets calls or e-mails back from the Health Department when contacted for comment about expired anti-virals stockpiles.

Thanks to Viro for that one week earlier news tip.


The Last Time We Were On The Brink Of A Pandemic, Flu Killed 150 In Sydney In Less Than Three Weeks

Yes, I'm Ready To Panic....But There's So Many Potential Panic Pandemics To Choose From

The Geek :

Driving around listening to even the most sombre news radio stations felt like playing a small role in the opening chapters of The Stand...

The radio coverage of WHO's Margaret Chan warning, "All countries should immediately now activate their pandemic preparedness plans," had a truly B-Grade thriller feel. It seemed to demand an immediate slam cut to montage-worthy shots of black helicopters landing in shopping malls and disgorging squads of troops in NBC suits to insist at bayonet point on proper hand-washing technique and hanky usage.

A throwaway comment by The Geek about waiting a week before deciding whether or not to panic over "piggy flu", or as it's otherwise known....

H1N1/Pork Throat/Bacon Lung/Porky's Revenge II/Probably China's Fault Virus/Swine Flu/the Hamdemic/The Aporkalypse/Non-Semitically-Offensive-Related Descriptor Fever/North American Flu

...inspired the creation of this site :

Is It Time To Panic?

Text messages to the world culled from Twitter will help you decide if it truly is time to panic, or whether you should wait a bit. Thousands of short, sharp, snaps of wit, insight, crap, LOLability, weirdness and WTFery can be your handy guide to not panicking too soon, or too late.

And if you're sick of (not sick from) swine flu, there's a pandicomica of potential panic-worthiness at IITTP to choose from:

Zombie Apocalypse

Asteroid

Robot Uprising

Pirates

Ninjas

Killer Bees

Killer Bees That Shoot Swine Flu Out Of Their Tiny Mouths

Oprah

Something for everyone.

(click to enlarge) - photo credit

Lyrics from Poor Ned, by Redgum :

Eighteen hundred and seventy eight
Was the year I remember so well
They put my father in an early grave
Slung my mother in gaol
Now I don't know what's right or wrong
But they hung Christ on nails
Six kids at home and two still on the breast
They wouldn't even give her bail

"It's A Dog Marooned On An Island Story. George Clooney Can Play The Dog"



I wrote back here what an obviously excellent tale for the movies the story of Sophie The Wonder Dog is. Dog falls off boat, dog swims through shark infested waters, dog spends weeks on a tropical island fending for itself, dogs learns to hunt and eat goats, owners never believe Sophie is dead, dog is rescued, reunited with owners, everyone weeps and leaves the cinema feeling great.

Simple.

A great Australian movie about a great Australian dog.

But now Hollywood is getting involved.

This first PR pitch, however, isn't promising :

"...it's Castaway meets Survivor except it's a dog. Americans love uplifting stories about animals."

So does the rest of the world. So don't turn Sophie's Story into loud, moist American schlock.

And if Sophie isn't a Blue Heeler in the movie, with an Australian accent (if she must talk at all) there will be cinema boycotts.

When Washing Your Hands Is Caving In To A Rudd Fear Campaign

By Darryl Mason

The Professional Idiot yesterday thought this is good advice to lessen the chance of becoming infected with the new ManBirdPig flu virus, or Influenza A H1N1 :

1: Don’t go to Mexico. Step 2: Wash your hands.

He thinks this is good advice, and it is, but it's NOT when Prime Minister Rudd thinks so :

...there is no fear so ill-founded that Kevin “Do Something” Rudd isn’t on hand to offer totally unnecessary advice designed to make you worry more, not less:

Wash your hands, PM says

Wash Your Hands = Totally Unnecessary Advice.

This whip-lashing about face by The Professional Idiot on simple hygiene took less than 12 hours. A brain scan may be needed.

Do you think The Professional Idiot told his family to stop washing their hands to prove that he's right and PM Rudd is a crazed fearmongerist?

Any doctor will tell you washing your hands regularly, a few times a day, will lessen your chances of becoming infected with ANY flu virus, and people should be reminded of that simple fact at the start of every flu season, not just when the World Health Organisation raises its pandemic alert to threat level 5 out of 6.

This incomprehensible fuckwit is leading his more gullible readers down a very, very dangerous path of anti-Rudd irrationality.

UPDATE : A prediction from The Professional Idiot, for the ages :

Australians are more likely to be eaten by mice than to die of swine flu.

That sound you hear is thousands of pandemic-briefed health professionals laughing, in horror.

To Stockpile Or Not To Stockpile

By Darryl Mason

A "run on the shops" to stock up on enough food and water to last your household for two weeks of voluntary home isolation is exactly what's needed to pump those $900 bonuses straight back into the economy :

The Federal Government's pandemic plan, a 132-page manual issued to medics, media and the public, insists that once the world reaches phase five, Australians should stock their pantries with food and bottled water to last 14 days, check on elderly neighbours and put emergency numbers by the phone.

But yesterday a spokesman for the Department of Health and Ageing called for calm, saying the Government did not want to spark panic buying - ignoring its own plan, already issued to hospitals across the nation.

"I agree that is it confusing," the spokesman said, admitting he had not read the pandemic plan despite being employed to answer questions about it from national media. "The manual may say people should be preparing but we don't want a run at the shops," he said.

It doesn't matter what the government wants. The people will do whatever they think they have to do to ensure their loved ones are going to get through whatever is coming next.

Woolworth's getting emptied in a weekend of fevered stockpile shopping is the least of their problems if an influenza pandemic is on the verge of being declared (if it hasn't already inside the government).

The pandemic response plans made back in 2005 and 2006 were deadly serious, very detailed. Most didn't read them. It's not too late to get some of the highlights of how prepared you are expected to be for something most didn't even know was coming this time last Friday morning :

Residents are advised to stock their pantries with drinks, including three litres of water for each person each day, dried and long-life food such as canned meals, toilet paper, batteries, candles, matches, manual can openers and water sterilising tablets. Analgesics, masks, gloves, a thermometer, disinfectant and prescription medications should also be stockpiled and people should have enough supplies to stay in their homes for 14 days.

Householders should also have plenty of tissues, alcohol-based hand-wash dispensers in kitchens and bathrooms, and soap and disposable towels near all sinks, the manual says.

14 days.

And three litres a water a day is the minimum you need per day, it doesn't include water for washing clothes, or bathing.

If you had to take the family off to a central coast holiday house for two weeks, and the house had nothing but the kitchen basics, what would you take with you if you thought you wouldn't be able to get to the shops? And the place might run out of running water? And electricity?

Here's a story from 2006 detailing just how extensively Australian businesses were preparing back then for an influenza pandemic. The public fear then was of a bird flu pandemic, but Australian and American government response plans were always for the "inevitable" influenza pandemic, not a pandemic of just one type of influenza :

Mounting fears of an avian flu outbreak amongst humans has caused Australian businesses to stockpile anti-viral drugs and face masks and make definitive plans for how they will continue to operate when almost half of their workers may be off work, either ill or looking after someone who is.

Pandemic risk committees already exist within major companies such as Bluescope Steel and Telstra while the Commonwealth Bank has appointed a pandemic planning project manager.

Expanded computer networks to enable staff to work from home in the event of an outbreak have been included in the preparations against bird flu.

Through its relationship with medical support agency International SOS, BHP Billiton, has stockpiles of anti-viral drugs in regional offices considered at high risk.

The Bank of Queensland has proposed to implement basic hygiene education for staff. According to immunologists this measure would help to reduce the spread of disease if a pandemic develops.

Businesses have been advised to plan for up to half their staff being absent due to illness, or caring for sick family members or children because of school being closed.

As immunologist Ron Penny said," There's no strong recommendation that people who have a seriously infectious disease should stay at home. I think we need to educate people".

Federal Government advisers have warn that economically, Queensland would be the hardest hit of any Australian state with even a modest level pandemic causing a loss of about $11 billion, off the Gross State Product (GSP) in the first year alone.

According to Telstra's network services managing director Michael Lawrey preparations for the likelihood of a pandemic were slightly higher in intensity than planning for other business risks such as fires, cyclones and floods.

Don't worry, Australia's biggest businesses are well prepared if the World Health Organisation raises its pandemic threat level to 6 (its highest) over the weekend, or if the Rudd government officially announces we may all have to think about taking a 10 day long 'home-cation" sometime soon.

But how prepared are you?

Just in case.


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Some Things Are More Important Than A Pandemic

By Darryl Mason

The biggest story in the United States today is the "imminent" pandemic of Swine Flu/Pork Fever/Frankenstein Flu/H1N1/Bacon Lung. Right?

Wrong.

At least, it's not at KFSN-TV in Fresno California :



The very popular video of a 61 year old Californian cannabis grower standing out front of a courthouse, unpacking, weighing and then repacking the twelve pounds of medicine (to check it was all there) that has just been returned to him by police, by order of a judge, can be viewed here.

More on that story and America's news obsession with cannabis stories here.


As I mentioned yesterday, while Bacon Lung, or Pork Throat (it is an upper respiratory virus) is at the top of the evening news, as the World Health Organisation raises its pandemic alert level from 5 to 6, the Australian media is having a hard time selling this story to a mostly skeptical public. There are still no deaths in Australia from it, there is no celebrity connection to it, yet, and outside of colourful heat scans of airport arrivees, and I Am Legend-like projections of what life will be like during and after a full-blown influenza pandemic, the rest of the visual story of what's actually going on is not very exciting to watch.

At all.

And readers of online daily newspapers in Australia couldn't be less interested. For now.


(click to enlarge)

Outside of The Australian, not one pre-pandemic or H1N1 influenza-related story makes the Most Popular Stories lists in the Murdoch online tabloids. In Sydney's Daily Telegraph, what may be one of the biggest story in a generation doesn't even rate in the Top Ten most viewed :



Readers of the Fairfax online newspapers are only slightly more interested, and only because Hugh Jackman's cancelled a premiere for his new movie in Mexico :


(click to enlarge)

All the Australian media would get more readers clicking on swine flu headlines if they called it Pork Throat. Or Bacon Lung. Or Year Long Sex Celebrity Weight Loss Alien Flu.

Public disinterest will change if an 'Oh, Fuck! Pandemic!' leads to the cancellation of the State Of Origin, of course, or if any of the following becomes reality :

* Belinda Neil returns from Mexico with Mad Pig Brain Fever, causing her to rant about "demon babies" and the poor service of wine bar restuarants in Mexico.

* International cricket players wind up on a slab.

* Long dead Osama Bin Laden announces in a "new video" that Al Qaeda bioweapons specialists released the virus to end the Allah-insulting American lust for deep-fried bacon.

* Barry Hall goes into 'voluntary' home isolation, coughing blood.

* The entire casts of Neighbours and Home & Away decide to do some "location shooting" on a remote, uninhabited island in the WhitSundays for the next six months.

* Mel & Kochie start broadcasting their morning show from the top of a 100 foot tower, surrounded by a moat of fire, in a remote Queensland rain forest.

* The Footy Show hosts appear in biosuits, or in glass bubbles.

* Federal parliament decides to "temporarily relocate" to a huge sealed plastic dome on top of Uluru.

* It turns out that 10% of all H1N1 victims are likely to turn into brain-hungry zombies.


US Vice President Says New Flu So Dangerous He's Already Warned His Family To Stay Out Of Planes, Trains And Automobiles - But When Did He Warn Them?


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