Kangaroo Home Invasion

By Darryl Mason

Kangaroo attacks happen all the time in Australia. But we don't like to talk about them. Sure, you'll hear a lot about shark attacks, even shark sightings, "down under" at "Australia's Most Famous Beach" on BBC World News and CNN, but that's only because reporters will take any opportunity they can get to do a live cross from a sandy coastline location.

Occasionally, some brave American journalist will bust the news blackout and let the world know what is going, all but unreported, in Australia :



Eeee, any stitches to the groin are bad news for a bloke, but thirty?

And no, I don't think the tension-laden music and dramatic voiceover were over the top in the slightest.

The truth is, the human population of Australia has been under attack by kangaroos, and occasionally koalas, for decades. An entire generation of Australians were lulled into a false sense of security about kangaroos and wallabies by Skippy : The Bush Kangaroo. The show taught us that some kangaroos could learn to type, use a compass and dial rotary phones, but it never warned us of the true threat kangaroos pose to our way of life, and even the way we sleep.

Once, kangaroos would only kick ten kinds of crap out of you if you happened to wander into Kangaroo Country. But now, they are coming after us. Do they somehow know they are going to become a very popular red meat alternative in cow-reduced future?

They are hopping into our suburbs, they are invading our luxuriantly-lawned nursing homes, they are leaping straight into our homes :

A Canberra man was forced to wrestle a kangaroo out his house after it jumped through a window and landed on his bed in the middle of the night.

Nature's War On Humans continues....

They're Not Just Cute, Friendly Wallabies Anymore - They're Killers!"

Fossil Record Confirms Word & Art Aboriginal Legend Of Ancient Dog-Like Kangaroo


.

"They're Not Just Cute, Friendly Wallabies Anymore - They're Killers"

Remember, the stories below are only some of the recent officially reported attacks on humans by vicious Australian fauna. How many attacks go unreported?

Seriously, if you were a 50 year old man taking out the rubbish at 11pm and a baby fruit bat flew into the back of your head and scrabbled at your neck with its cold little claws and made you shriek like a four year old girl who just woke up to find a spider on her face, would you go and tell the police about it? No.

The children's TV favourite, Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, clearly lulled a couple of generations into a false sense of security. The furry, the big-eyed and the awesomely cute marsupials of Australia can no longer be trusted. The Australian battleground in Nature's War On Humans ramps up.

Wallaby Goes After Child, Shapes Up To Father For Fight :

"Bones" Bailey yesterday said if he had not been there to fight off the 1m-tall wallaby on Saturday afternoon, he had no doubt his nine-year-old son Morgan would have been mauled to death.

"It’s deadset serious. Someone should get a gun and shoot the buggers," Mr Bailey said.

"They’re not just friendly, cute little wallabies any more – they’re killers."

"This big fella came out and Morgan started to run and he started chasing him, making this roaring noise," Mr Bailey said.

"Morgan was absolutely screaming his head off. I had to belt him (the wallaby) across the face twice, then he came at me – he had his claws up, shaping up like a little boxing man.

"Then my young fella (six-year-old Bodine) grabbed a stick and he finally backed off," Mr Bailey said.

He and Giffin Rd neighbour Anita Coulthard said they knew of three other children who also were attacked by wallabies in the area on separate times last year.

An Environmental Protection Agency spokesman said attacks on humans by wild wallabies or kangaroos were extremely rare...

Well yes, you would expect the EPA to say that. They have a pro-fauna agenda. This sure smells like a cover-up.

Greens leader Bob Brown is somewhere tonight, illuminated from below, laughing diabolically, clapping his hands in delight as he prays to the Green Jesus to direct the wombats and koalas to join in the anti-human bloodshed.

Meanwhile, here's a rampaging, leg-gnawing possum :

Police officers have used capsicum spray to subdue a rampant possum that had been terrorising a family in their home for hours.

"Mark always wears shorts and the possum jumped on his leg and sank in the claws and teeth. He was trying to shake it off but it was well attached."

Koalas will start dropping from trees and shredding bushwalkers any day now.

"Sorry? Did You Say You Were Attacked By A Kangaroo?"

"Sorry? Did You Say You Were Attacked By A Kangaroo?"

As soon as they put up the new signs warning "Beware Unprovoked Attacks By Kangaroos", they will be stolen.

A jogger is in a stable condition in a Melbourne hospital after he was attacked by a kangaroo on the city's north-western fringe.

The man was treated at the scene for a large gash on his head and smaller scratches on his arms, hands and chest and was taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital in a stable condition.

I was convinced, for years, as a kid that I'd seen a late night movie about millions of kangaroos massing near Orange and then raging through the Blue Mountains and attacking the suburbs of Sydney. They were like a plague, unstoppable, extremely violent.

People were running from their homes and gunning down waves of marauding kangaroos, but they kept on coming. There was one fantastic scene where the kangaroos cross the Harbour Bridge, leaping from car roof to car roof. They crashed through windscreens and anyone who dared to leap from their car and run for it was pummelled to death.

I experienced years of bewildered looks from friends, and movie industry professionals, in my hunt to find this movie. It doesn't exist. The only explanation is that it was a movie dream I had while napping through an episode of Skippy, after too much straight green cordial syrup on ice-cream.